It's been madness at work these 2 days.

The word "madness" seems to be always used to describe my work. Frankly speaking it is. It comes and goes like nobody's business. It can be calm this moment and stormy the next. Sometimes I think it's too much. 'cause every single payment is urgent. But there's only me. One Jocelyn.

Yesterday's work left me seeing red. And really realise the reason why many hate these, in this case I would like to refer to them as "zi you shen". Learnt this when I was in HK. They are really horrible. Calling china is always the greatest challenge for me. And I was being transferred here and there. Details I shall save it. Manage to get it settled after 2 days. And I'm "impressed" with their working attitude. How could their main branch sent our amendment to the wrong branch?! We're talking about payments here. Late payments=lost of interest or causing a OD in client's account. I take my hats off them. They're nothing but "superb".

This case was already driving me crazy and this morning I've so many payments that are urgently waiting to be authorised. I wonder how I manage to cope, but I just did.

So much about work. Let's gossip abit.

I've a stalker sitting next to me and he's slowly getting on my nerves and a pain in the arse. He did something that probably NO ONE will ever do. Didn't they say men think from one box to another. But he's thinking OUT of the box. It was a stupid thing to do.

He's been bugging me and my colleague for weeks as to why I'm not speaking to him. Somethings are just best left unspoken. I was already slowly talking to him but he screwed it up yesterday.

We have templates at work to used when crediting the client's a/c. Once the entry is keyed, it would be reflected in client's a/c, pending for my approval. This smart alec actually type "Ms lee, can u pls tell me why are you not talking to me leh. I really dont know why leh." So you know why it's stupid.

Luckily I found out in time, reprimanded him a little and ran away from the qns. It stepped on my tail again.

What can I say. He's just too imaginative. Smart.

I've been through lots of emotions yesterday, good thing was it ended on a happy note. I bought a pair of boots for 50 bucks. Cheap!

My mind is wandering off soon... Getting slpy.

Gotta sleep early and prepare for a power pac morning!! Body combat here I come!!

Ciaoz everyone!

Till then! Take care!

Gastric is giving me problems again.

Was on mc for the past 2 days. down with gastric flu. I slept the whole of yesterday and I just feel like sleeping more. Headed back to work today. But felt worst.

I was having terrible headache. Had a nap on the bus and woke up feeling giddy and nausea. And my vision was blur. I was afraid to stand up when I reach office. Coz I fear that I will collapsed again. I had something sweet and felt better. But my vision was still blur. I was trying hard to keep my eyes open. To make sure that the numbers I saw and figures were correct. Fearing that I might just sent the wrong amt out.

Lunch was terrible. I could barely eat anything in. I didn't ever had half the salmon or 1/4 of rice. I lost all the appetite.

Sudden change in body temperature was frustrating. This minute i felt chill, next I'll be in cold sweat. I felt like going home badly but there was no one to cover me. Sg side already had enough problems.

Manage to get off work early due to low volume. Headed to Tiong Bahru for a better doc. The same doc which I went back 3 times and got a 5 days mc. He's good just that i'm a lousy patient with a stubborn gastric. Well medicine is stronger i guess this time round.

But if I don't recover by this weekend. It's straight to the specialist this time.

So pray hard Jocelyn! U have a mighty healer! Have faith!

2008 has been a year of great blessings and trials.

It was a year hard to get by. Trying to balance life between work and school.

And work gives me nothing but sadness. It took me awhile to finally realize and figured out how I could look at my job the positive way.

Besides work and school, manage to meet up with some of my poly classmates and sec. school mates. And of course, the percussionists! The people I truly and always adore! It's fun having their company. And I've owe them a gathering since a long time ago.

But sadly, there are a group of people. I don't wanna use friends here 'cause they are the people I would like to forget as I leave.

Friends were wonderful. But there is someone else that played a bigger part in my life and he still is. That is the boyfriend.

I recall the many times when we quarreled but without fail you always give in though it's my fault. I'm always the one who's all out to pick a fight with you and just walk out of the problem with my tiredness. But you taught me how to be patient. How to not give a verdict without hearing you out. And sad to say I'm still learning and trying...

You always gives me the best and keep the lousy ones for yourself. I don't understand how and why but you seem to have endless patience with me. My roller coaster mood swings must have gave you many tough times. Something which I might have took for granted sub-consciously. This part I'm trying very hard...

You get upset and ask me why I always refer you as "my friend" when speaking to others. It's just like we never or seldom call each other "baby,honey,dear or my darling etc....". But bitch,slut and arsehole. And our contact name in the phone are still our name. I like it this way 'cause what's important is just us. There better not be a 3rd party!! That's for me! haa... =x

I treasure this relationship, treasure you and all the effort you've put in. Especially helping to take care of Butsie. She would have been dead if she was living under the same roof as me.

Thank you for being my best friend,confider and arsehole! And never to forget my best bitchy shopping partner since a long time ago! You love to see me buy clothes that suits me and so do I! That's why we always over spend!

It's a brand new year with several "missions" to accomplish.

2009's resolution:
1) Building a closer relationship to God
2) more Devotional time
3) Re-discover my keyboard skills in worshipping and leading worship.
4) His salvation.
5) Get done and over with my Degree
6) A new job with better boss and career opportunity.
7) To spend less. (Quite impossible but trying.)
8) Travel more. (How to spend less????)

The lists goes on but these would be top priorities.

It's 1am. Time for bed but I need to start on my assignment due on wednesday.

Gosh feeling lazy and it's suppose to be a brand new year!

So long peeps! Till then! Take care!

Mum and Aunt called to check on me several times these 2 days.

I feel touched and loved.

I made them worried. Esp. my mum... who called me many times just to ensure that I'm alright.

I fainted on sat mornin and my sister, meichan, freaked out 'coz my eyes rolled.

Thank God she was in the living room. If not I might had hit my head on the sofa side or the floor.

When I woke up I was kneeling on the ground with my sister trying to hold me up and shouting "Jie" and the last thing I could rmb was me standing up talking to my sister.

Thanks mum,aunt and meichan!

I'm struggling hard to keep myself focus in my studies.

Exams are just one day away and I've hardly prepare anything much. What have I done the past few days?

I really don't know. concentration only comes in the night. And in the day it's just time for Jocelyn's lazy afternoon.

My life is better much like a roller coaster nowadays. I think I know where the problem is. But why is it so difficult. Why do I find it so restless or weak to stand against it.

I have time to reflect on my actions. But I chose to leave it at the back of my mind.

Am I just such a coward to admit? While on the outside stands a ego and strong me.

Nobody screwed up my life, except myself.

Work could have been fine, even though it's really shitty.

But it's just how you see it.

I need to get my life back in shape. Like how it used to be.

I pray for help, O God!

I finally found the reason of my unhappiness.

Not exactly found but re-confirm.

My work is the one.

It's my 2nd day of leave and I have not felt a single unhappiness in me. I'm enjoying every moment. And I realise that it's really time to leave this place. But not with the current situation. Just how long do I still have to wait.

The work is fine but some people are juts shitheads. Esp. if it's your boss.

And I just found out that one of my colleague didn't like the girl I always dislike.

I've always thought that I have a problem with her that's why everything she does. Just annoys me. But it turns out otherwise. Ai ling felt the same way too.

And after hiding so long and working with each other for quite awhile then we realise that there are alot of things that we think the same way. We have been hiding and complaining to out bf and husband. Now that we know we have each other, work seems happier.

Having her ard makes me happier at work. Coz least I know I can speak to someone about it.

I have about 8 more months to go before completing my studies. At this point of time, I need the money for my school fees. I don't pin much hope on them reimbursing me for my studies. After all studying and taking a degree is for my own benefit.

When it comes to a point that it reaches my limit. I'll definitely do what I've been wanting to do and ought to do for the past one year.

I've become such a unhappy person because of work. My boss doesn't really give my opportunities. Not sure why. Probably she's afraid.

But the day when I tender I'll give her the real reason for my resignation. And not telling her I've a better offer. No lies.

We're a family. That's what she told Ailing today. But are you sure you really see me as a family?

I've chosen to keep quiet at work and not give her much suggestion. Since she doesn't really use them.

She loves her "pet S" so much. They can go form a family then.

I think I better stop. Or else it'll bring the anger out from me again.

It's just 40 over days more to the end of 2008.

Bear with it! i believe I have higher tolerance level than this.

Time to study! Econs! Damn!

I hate...

After 2 weeks of madness working, I finally went for my workout.

It felt good. I let it all out.

Work is making me moody. It's making me depressed.

I want to end my journey here.

This is not what I want. I need something better.

I hate restrictions. I hate not being able to go further.

I hate my life now....

punctured.

I'm feeling like a thousand things is in my head. and I just can't get things started.

Am tired from work for the past 2 weeks. almost 15 hours of work everyday. It's draining me...

Economy is going chaotic. And so are our lives. Long gone are those who said that banking pays well. Now the question is. Can you even keep your job? People are paranoid about their investment. And I've lost some too.

I'm getting annoyed with people around me. Wanting to get some interest out of AUD. But is afraid. Changing minds from time to time. It's getting on my nerves. Just what the hell is your final decision.

My mum thought that I've lose my senses by having a $10K credit card bill and there she goes nagging away over the phone. With a "no it's not", I ease her and just hang up.

Things around me are going on so fast but my pace is slowing down each day with the tiredness. Yet I can't stop 'cause I've projects and assignments.

I'm starting to hate school. Hate marketing. But like finance. Surprising.

And I just want to leave somethings the way it is now. I don't feel like meeting some people 'cause it reminds me of others. The others that I don't really want to associate with. I tried to push it away. But they keep forcing me.

I'm disappointed with some people in my life but they just don't know. I've become less interested in what they are doing. Cause the ones that really cares are far away. The friendship that used to bring some fun and laughter, now I want to stray faraway. But it just won't allow me to. I've hinted but it insisted.

Does it have to be so clear? I just want my time alone. To spend time with people that I think would make me happier.

My voice has slowly lose it's existence in the work place 'cause I chose not to be too close. Everyone is wearing a mask. Even those that I thought are nice, are actually not really sincere and nice. Those I don't like remain unwelcome in my life.

Now those few people are running through my head. And some used-to-be close ones. I'm feeling sore.

I need chocolate or ice-cream.

It's okay. I shall abstain.

Till the next time round.

ciaoz.

Typhoon No.8

yes... it is but not here at work. But live in HK.

HK market is closed for the day. And there's not much work to be done.

So now the decision maker is my boss.

Waiting for the green light from her to see if we can go home.

hmmmm.... but she doesn't seem like she want to...

Anyways we'll see.

Life have been such a bitch. I'm beginning to realised that I've lost myself. Work is becoming such a drag even after 10 days of block leave. I can't get back the passion that I used to have. Becoming abit more laid back when doing work. But not too much.

It's like a time bomb have been planted within me. Waiting to explode anytime. I've been holding on and biting my teeth. How I wish I can bite it off.

anyhow.. i'll still try to hold on.

hk

it's my first day in HK.

And for the first time i'm travelling alone. prety exciting taking into consideration trying taking a big luggage,8 boxes of pandang cake and taking public transport to my friend's house alone.

All these I've never done before. It's always taxi and taxi. Fun and cheap.

Then I can save all my money on eating and shopping. Headed to this shopping mall that has almost most of the brand outlets. Cheaper but outdated in HK not SG.

Not much activities today. Just these much.

Getting abit sleepy. Gotta head to bed. Coz it's gonna be more fun and shopping tml. =)

I miss him so....

It's been a long time.

my last post was in April and it's almost exactly 2 months that I've not update any single thing.

It's been a long-weary-challenging-uptight 2 months. I am drained to the extreme and I know I need a long break from work.

Just ended my summer semester couple weeks ago. Having my well deserve holidays. Not quite. But still trying to make full use of it.

I'm back to my "no-life" life. Working late and later.

Seriously am sick of my life here. Here. In Singapore. I need some change and I need some motivation to get my life going on.

Though I am now an authorizer. I don't feel like one. Felt that I was the right person, at the right time to be make use of. Not the best candidate. It saves her trouble it look for someone new.

Sometimes I wonder is it me. Or is it them. Or rather it's time to leave? It's pointless staying there with absolutely no opportunity to go anywhere further.

Part of me is hesitant. But almost a whole big part of me is hoping everything goes well and I can get what I want. Life would be a brand new start. I still remember how ecstatic I was, with my blood pressure dropping and feeling faint over my excitement.

Well if it's meant to be, it shall be. That's all I can say.

*Oh GOD! Pls give it to me!"

It's 1.24 am and he's mugging hard for his paper tml. Best of luck.

Time for bed. Ciaoz.

April... the fool's month.

phew what a close shave, I would say.

Am finally able to eat chilli after 2 weeks.

Last week was terrible.

Seriously speaking I was really afraid of scoping that I prayed hard and cried that it will recover.

As always. God answers prayers. Everything is all well.

Recovering from that painful experience was the best thing that happen in the month of April.

April was a really bad month. Not just for me. But everyone else beside me.

I screwed up my Finance Managerial MST. And I walked out happily facing the fact that am going to fail this paper. I just know it.

Finished up my MR individual proj., not gonna do well. I just know again.

Left with FM & MR grp project.

I have not been studying and doing my revision. Too much slacking. Am just so tired and exhausted everyday.

And with promotion to authoriser, am finishing work at almost 7+,8 everyday. There's too much things to do. More to come. I know that. Again.

I barely even have time for gym nowadays. What's more abt losing weight and sweating it all out.

And interest. well... it was supposed to be an interest,doing what you enjoy. Absolutely stress free. But now it's more of a burden. No not the right word. Stress. yea... that's the word. It's making me a little upset and helpless. And definitely guilty.

Seriously speaking. Stress level is hitting it's peak soon. And I'm talking about taking 3 modules for my next sem,with work and tuition.

Mentally: am zonked.

Physically: Not sure when it's going to give way.

Probaly stress was the reason to the gastric pain. Maybe it was sub-conscious initially. But when it became conscious, it was too late.

I start to doubt myself. My ability. My tolerance level.

How far can I go in this journey?

Something undesirable.

Am struggling hard to finish up my Marketing Research project.

2 questions.1000 words each. Seems easy,sounds easy. But it's hell of a time to so research for just this 2000 words. Am already done with question 1.

There's still left with one more to go... probably another 3-4 more hours. I hope I get it done fast. There's still finance to study. I've cutting too much slack for myself this term. Gotta get the ball rolling again.

It's a tuesday afternoon and here I am at home doing my project. Not on leave but medical leave. 2 days of MC ytd and today. Talking about that I was on MC for 3 days last week too.

Guess gastric has really knock me down this time. Been to the doc for 3 times. Med from the first doc didn't help much. Immediately the next day I went to another clinic. The pain relieve for a couple of days. But on sunday the pain was back and I vomited at night. Feeling more nauseous than before.

Headed back to the doctor again ytd. I was given stronger med and a referral letter to a specialist. 'Cause if the med doesn't helps,he's afraid that ulcers have already start developing. And if it burst... that's it. That is how simple it can be.

I know how serious the situation is now. And I'm really afraid. I don't wanna do scoping or whatever they call it. Insert a tube right through my mouth and start scanning. Gesh...

God please bless me.

And thanks I have not touch chilli for 1 week. I'll do anything now man... Even if it takes to eat porridge everyday. Anything. So long as it recovers and am able to take chilli again! Anything!

Maybe it's stomach cancer?

Maybe

I wanna talk.

I wanna study my finance.

I wanna fo my mkting research proj.

I wanna shop online.I wanna read a book.

Maybe... Maybe I wanna do either one of those above.

But I don't know.

I just feel weird.

Yea that's how I feel.

The "maybe" mood.

Nitez.

It's been a bad week since monday.

And friday has to be bad too...

I left home w/o my hp and only realise it at the bus stop. Overslept and missed my bus. Reached office the system was down... Seesh!!

It's not even black friday to talk about.

Hope things get better over the weekend. Think nth much gonna with intensive lecture taking up almost half a day for sat and sun.

Was so angry this morning.. But the thought of Butsie, is all it takes to see a smile on my face.

I'm upset.

Worried.

Tears are flowing down my cheeks.

My heart aches. And it's hurting even more.

How I wish I can leave right now to see you. And just sit beside you to watch you sleep.

Give you all my TLC and be there when you need me.

I miss your noise. I miss your liveliness. I miss you running and hoping around.

Get well soon. Butsie.

Time... Flies.

Once again. Our anniversary passed. Our 8th month.

And we just let it past us again. Both of us forgot about it and it's not the first time. I just think it's kind of funny. I don't know what's the reason but ya... somehow both of us wld let it pass until one of us rmb-ed.

We laugh at each other for being so silly. But the love is still going on strong. The bond is there. Stronger than ever. The love is filling up the air and our hearts. I've learnt to be patient. Learnt to listen before giving a verdict. I mean still learning.

Everthing doesn't seems to be 8 mths that far. But the fact is that we are and still counting for more silly moments tgt.

Thank you for the past 8 mths! Pan di.

Anyways march was pretty crazy.

The start of march was slightly peaceful with just work and tuition. But the end of march was insane. School just started and I've projects to be submitted in apr. And I have a test in 3 weeks time. How nice. I just haven got the motivation in yet. Trying to get the fire started. But so far Finance Managerial is still okay. First few topics are a revision of last sem's work. So school is still fine till this point of time,it's only the 2nd week. But the stress is in.

Besides school, I had some fun time last weekend. My hk colleague,Ivy,came to visit singapore and being close,I'm definitely her host. Maybe half a host. We met up in JB with her friend Cecilia. Yea JB. Haven step into there for 5 years! But not everything went smoothly.

The bf and I bought the 3.30pm train tics so as to avoid the unnecessary jam. But it turns out worse! The train broke down and we were stuck at Tanjong Pagar train station for 1.5hrs!!! Everything was delayed!! We could reach at 4.30 but we reached at 6. So half a day was gone. And so finally we reached,happily headed to the Mac to meet Ivy. She was at the wrong place. Apparently the coach that she took from Malacca dropped them off somewhere even further than city sq... So it was time to wait again.

Didn't do much that day. Just brought her around to take some photos and headed for dinner. It's dirt cheap for my weak stomach. I don't have to elaborate here.

Seriously speaking if it wasn't for Ivy, I won't have such time to relax or maybe have fun. Thanks to her we headed to wild wild wet. Had fun and a good laugh under the sun. Got a little burnt but it's nice! Sentosa was next. But weather was throwing tantrum. So we just had to leave early.

Brought her for prata after she had dinner with TAG dept. We spent our time till 4am. Sleepy. But lots of fun.

The bf hit it off well with them. Am glad. And we're planning our next trip to KL tgt. The 4 of us. It's rare. That's all I can say.

Well more updates later... gotta work!

Time now is 1:14am.

It's way past bed time for a weekday like that. But soon I'll turn in for a good sleep.

It's been a long day for the both of us. More details tml,if possible.

Anyways I'm overjoyed and Thank the big guy up that for all the strength and blessings'cause I've gotten back my results! Satisfactory. I would say.

Got a credit for finance,66 marks. Guess my final year exam pulled the grades up 'cause I only got 56 for my test and it's 40%. So still quite satisfied.

And as for consumer behaviour, I've got a high distinction! 87 marks... haha... Am so proud of myself. Despite trying to cope with work,studies and tuition.

The other thing is that I've got a guinea pig! It's cute,timid,playful and lovely! For it cost us a total of 200+! And we're planning to get a 2nd one!

Period!

Sigh... It's monday again. Why does weekends always have to pass so quickly. And I'm already counting down to friday.

Exams are finally over. Last paper was on last tues,Fin. Gosh... don't ask. It's just not so easy. Just hope for the best now. *crossing my fingers*

Finally I have some time to take a breather... But good times doesn't last too long. Starting school in about 3 weeks time. Drag!

Classes are gonna be on wed & thurs. Seesh... Better take in more breathe now! And I'm so not happy at work. In fact,miserable. Nothing can motivate me to come to work everyday. But I've been coming in on time or on the dot. Strange. But oh well.. Let's just say I'm leaving no loop holes for my boss to pick on me. Just in case she does.

He says that I'm thinking too much,that's why I feel so stressed.

But I just can't help thinking. Work is so free that I have ample time to think. No... in the first place my work doesn't even need any brain work. Got advise of couple of my friends. And they gave me the same ans.

LEAVE!

I'm just not sure. I'm so confused up in my head. Not knowing what to do.

I've lots of issues up in my head. And even my issues have issues.

I think I'm making things too complex for myself.

Spoke to a couple of people over the weekends regarding my job. I just love speaking to fellow church mates and my pastor. They just always know what to say. I'm not trying to say that my other friends don't give good comments. But they somehow remind me that I've neglect my time with God. Which I did ever since I started working.

But anyhow... after listening to what I said. Some of them told me it's high time to change my job. But nevertheless pray about it.

So PRAY it shall be. Meanwhile just bear with it first!!

You think taking a long break will help?

Not sure too... All I know is that my long break can only come in july. Pretty excited about this whole trip. It's the first time I'm gonna travel with my friends. Sounds like a hill billy? Actually my mum doesn't allow me to. But this time I think I'm just gonna do it first then tell her. =)

The weekends were well spent. Least am able to slow down my pace and take a look at the beautiful things that I've missed out on all this while.

Had a great workout followed by facial with fab massage ytd!

A less busy weekend for me I would say. Being able to workout and have my facial session peacefully.

Just like they say... Good times always passes fast.

School is starting soon in 2 weeks time. And this week I'm already packed with tuition.

Happy lunar new year in advance peeps!!

I'm so guilt striken now... Guilty for not attending class on tues. Missed out on a super impt lesson. Partly I didn't wanna go 'coz of the holiday mood and the other reason is I wanted so badly to service my phone. Having so much problems... all in one morning. Can't answer calls. Problems with my touch-screen,can't get into some of the applications. Freaking pissed 'coz I can only ans calls by touching my screen...

Tell me about it... Am I just plain unlucky?!

Using my sister's ugly and laggy N73. Can't really get used to it esp when I'm alr so used to touching the screen. You know what I mean...

Chinese new year has always been the same for me each year. On the 1st day, we would head to my uncle's place for lunch. And we would have the same old things each year. But! This year was a little special. We had it in buffet style. We had the eastern meet western combine. For the eastern we had chinese and jap. Western was pumpkin and some other things. Something fresh for the new year...

And as usual after that we headed to my paternal grandma's place. Plan was to stay there for less than 30mins, get our movie ticket money and head home. Which we do every year. But this year we stayed on for hours and had a game of mahjong with the adults. Well we never have a close relationship with cousins from my dad side, it's still the same. We headed home at 5 to get my stuff before joining my maternal uncle's and aunts for "CJ7".

Total waste of my money. It's not worth my 9.60. That's why I never like to catch chinese movie.

But what makes this year cny special was having pan di.

For the first time in my whole entire life,cny was so much fun and it meant so much. Not just collecting red packets. And that's all.

Was invited to pan di's uncle house ytd for dinner @1am. Why 1am? I don't know. All I knew was that I had so much fun. Somethings that I never done in any of my cny celebration.

3rd day of cny, would be just lazing around at home and watching tv. Can u imagine how lifeless my cny was. But tml I will be heading up to pan di's uncle house for lunch again. Something that they wld do every year. I'm quite excited abt it.

Cny was fun with pan di around. Though next wed I have a paper. I don't seem to worry much. He makes it special. Pan di, thanks for bringing me into your family lives. It's not just special but it means alot to me. Thank you for letting me understanding the real meaning of cny.

Study time...

January is over with a blink of an eye and we're stepping into the month of love and prosperity.

Work has been quite alright for the past few days except for wed. Ai ling was on leave and Serene was on MC. And only left with KC and I to battle through the peak hours and high volume for both SG and HK box. And what was a tragedy I have class that night. And I was late. For an hour.

Cny is round the corner,all the client's are rushing to give instructions to remit money to everywhere. Seems like the US market crash hasn't really affect much. But that was a few days ago. Market is slowly picking up.

Hmmm.... wonder if it's time to invest my money.

Problem? The money is not with me. And I need to convince my aunt that principal on investment would definitely be affected.

Have the idea of playing shares. But still quite hesitant about it though returns can be quite tempting.

13 feb:consumer behaviour
19 feb:Finance(Intro)

Yea I so totally have to spend cny studying at home.It's just not too far and I have not really start preparing. So drain and tired after work. I don't know how am I gonna study.

Talking about exams,I've just gotta back my finance test. It's a terrible and disappointing score of 56. Damn I seriously think I'm not cut out for finance. It's kind of disgusting.

Anyways I've paid. Can't change course. So plan now is to ask around and look around to see what are the interesting jobs. Though 1 & 1/2 years seems long. But didn't Jan just pass like that when we feel that we just celebrate new year like yesterday?

Studying and working is tough. I've always wanted to go overseas to further studies. I wanna get out of this boring place and start a new life,new chapter. But I didn't want to depend on anyone,not even my mum or my closet aunt,for my school fees. I wanted to do it all by myself. Though at that point of time my aunt did say to use the money that was given to me by my grandma to study. I thought it wld be good to invest and generate more earnings. However if I'll to save and then go overseas,I'll be too old and too late! So here I am with my decision made.

I have to search fast and look fast. There are tons of different paths out there but which is the one that I want? I need to know what I want so that once I graduate I can develop my career. Instead of start searching only at that time. 'Coz it's too late. By the time I finish my studies, I'll be 23!!! It's too late. Women's youth and prime time is when we are young. We have to do it faster than the men. Men's prime is at 40,but a women at 40 might just be an ordinary housewife or wrinkled face. Oh gosh... don't every let that happen. Maintain is the word.

"Men aged gracefully,women aged."

Time now is 10.43am. Gonna head out for breakfast with pan di and his sister and mum. It's gonna be a long and tiring day. Not forgetting heavy day. Have got intensive lecture from 2pm-9pm and 10am-5pm tml morning.

Tell me about it. School...

Market Crash.

Boredom is killing me.

Penny of thoughts suffocating me with lots of stress and worries.

Studies.Work.Money.

And all these are unnecessary. I know it. So I'll just leave it to God.

I just need wisdom to plan everything properly. Life would be a whole load easier. And that includes spending money. Credit card bills was a killer last mth. 1.3k was charged to it! So control is definitely the word now.

Was emailing Arvin and he was suggesting on getting a busking license for the band. A totally fab idea. So we can perform on x'mas or any other day. But we'll have to go thru audition first. But currently practice has stop. And I need to resolve the key issues. Just hope the solution does work out.

Time now is 3:41pm. I have been sitting at my work station surfing the net since lunchtime.

Guess I'm really more of a workaholic. Ever since the lady who came in to help me out,I've been bored to death. Before she was in, I was so busy. So busy that I can't even think of anything. But now I've so much time to think! Think about what I wanna do. What are my plans in future.

To think is better than not to think. My job doesn't even require much thinking, if I don't think it's gonna get rusty soon. Need to make those brain cells work a little.

Work has been rather slack but each time when I'm abt to knock off. Things cork up last min. Then I'll be late. If today it's gonna be like that again. I'm just leaving. I just love days that I have classes. I can leave as I want and I have to! ^-^

It's almost 4. 2hrs 30mins more to end of work! And super duper long weekend!

Have been doing some random blog reading and talking to some friends.

And it seems that... EVERYBODY IS GOING ON A HOLIDAY!

Everybody is talking about going here,going there. I went there and here. Everybody is having plans to go here and there. blah blah blah....

When is it gonna be my turn? When can I start to plan? No... I should say when can I ever carry out my plan?

I've so many plans in my head. Zillion of things to do... But the foremost thing I have to do now is TO TAKE A DAMN BREAK! A tiny weeny short break, I would be more than satisfied.

Okay so here's how it goes:
24jan-25jan: stay home to study for my consumer behaviour test on sat.

and then I try to fit in some breaks in between to go on a holiday.

Mar:A short trip.

But realise I can't at all. Exams end on 23feb. New term commence on 12Mar. Too rush. Financially restraint too!

So I guess probably in Jul. Hmm... Not too bad. Seems okay.

Look further down the calender(and it's only Jan), probably oct or nov would be nice. Dec the best.

Damn! I have school in dec and all of our leaves are froze in the december. And 23nov is the last day of exams, new term starts 26nov.

So I'm only left with July. Last day of exam:22 June. New term:30 July.

The one and only term that gives me ample time. And probably during that time, financal wise would be good. Least I'm talking about the extras income, After starting my budget plan coming mth.

I'm pretty much pressing for time. And time is just ticking away. Talking abt time ticking away, I've yet to start my revision for CB test on sat. Gosh... Kill me.

Work has really exhaust me to the max and when I'm home. I'm just simply brain dead!

okays.back to topic.

Anways plan was to go bangkok in thailand. Not that rich though I'm working in a bank. So I shall go for the more value-oriented one. I need a shopping haven for me!! Shop like there's no tml!! haha....

sry got a little carried away. But who can I go with? Pan di might be going. Gotta call a few more gfs. If pan di can't make it,then it shall be gfs outing!! But max of only 4 allowed! No more than that!

So much of planning. Let's see if it's possible when the time comes.

Okays. Time to work.

Healthy Lunchtime

yes it's lunchtime and here I am sitting in front of my work station blogging.

Am just lazy to head out for lunch and besides I need to save up a little so I shall cut down on my lunch expenses and enjoy my healthy lunch made up of salmon and veg(tribute to my mum's money!) ^-^

I finally did sth to all my clothes and jackets that I've bought some time back(more than 2 yrs back is possible). Sort it out,pack them nicely and got my mum to bring it to the laundry shop downstairs my hse.

It cost a total of $67 paid by mum and not claimable!=)

Anyways I've been using office hours to blog everyday so it goes showing how manageable work is.

Schedule for the week is tight.
Today:Tuition
Fri:Finance class
Sat:gym,church & Pan di's cousin 21st bday
Sun:church and dinner @night.(gotta pop by popular to get my studen'ts assessment books.

Have got a test next sat morning. Consumer behaviour. Sigh. Haven really start studying. And I've yet to do my finance tutorial for tml...

Shit! It just came to my mind.

Time is already 13.28, have only got abt 30mins to study.

Grad the chance!

Cheers!

After surviving on baos,bread and milo for the past 1 mth, I finaly step out of office for lunch ytd.

It felt good cause it was only with WS and WM. A small group is what I would prefer now.

Shocking news:
WS is converting to perm. Just one signature away.

I was like! hello girl!!

*thinking* wish I cld hit her head to knock some sense. Asking her not to convert.

It may sound cruel but it's really the best option.

Staying here wouldn't be the choice of any wise man. Unless due to certain situation.
If not just get your arse out of here.

But anyways just rec'd an email from her this morning. She's stayin as contract for the time being until she sort it all out. Way to go granny!

Best news for the day:
Cia's last day at work. It may seems and sound insane that I'm happy that pple are leaving. But for a fact it's really the best choice. Rather than drown here.

Bad news:
I'm still here.

Am really starting to know the feeling of "unhappy at work."

Not a single trace of motivation at all.

I can't go cause I need the money. Cause the pay is freaking good. Cause the bonus is insane! And cause they are gonna sponsor for my studies without signing a bond after I complete my course. That's doubly insane!!

Gosh gosh.... I feel so trapped in this.

Time now is 18:16.

I need need to head for school soon.

Ciaoz peeps!

Each day as I go back home, I would tell myself.

"Jocelyn, you've gotta smile at work tml. You've gotta be hapy at work."

Each day pass, and weekends are here to say hello. And I'm still trying to tell myself this. I told Dean that I will be a happy Jocelyn.

But it turns out that I'm not. I came in today, not wanting to go out for lunch. Not wanting to join anyone or join the big clique for lunch.

I realised. I'm not happy at work.

The motivation and drive is gone. But definitely not a chance for my or others work to be screwed up.

Possibilities:
1) I'm sick of my work and need something new or more interesting.

2)I'm sick of the people,which is not likely.

3)I'm too stressed up trying to cope between work and school.

Guess (1) would be the biggest possibility. Well there's nth much I can do. Just stick my arse around for another a year or so. Then we'll see how.


Myspace Codes

I'm almost 2 months into my degree course and in the mist of this. I'm thinking is this the thing I wanna do?

I'm coping quite well if you want me to say. I have never answer any finance question like I did now when I was in poly. Finance lessons was a terror to me! I simply don't understand why. Or rather I would say probably I didn't put in effort to know why.

I just wanted to finish up and get my arse out of this shit.

Finally bidding good-bye to finance with a big smile, I welcome finance back into my life after a year with a big smile and much enthusiasm. Can you believe it?!

uh-eh! I can't! I started doing my tutorials! And actually put in so much effort to try and study. And amazingly TRY to understand this shit! Tell me what's the funny thing abt life?

I took 2 days off just for a test on sat. It's not a normal test. It's 40% weightage! So if I'm looking at just pass and waste my money! I won't be taking off from work.

On top of all these stress, I'm failing in my emotions control. I lose my temper easily. I get irritated. I just don't know how to control all these blues and reds. And someone has to take it all my nonsense. Family are the ones you take for granted. But the even closer ones bears it all.

Pan di. You're the dearest in my life. Thanks for enduring with me through my emotion roller-coaster ride. I know u don't enjoy this ride at all, who will right. But you sat on it with no idea what kind of track is coming ahead. Till now U're still on the ride. Thank you so much...

Since the start of 2008, though it has only been 9 days, my record of taking cab has been clean. You have no idea how proud I am! until this morning!!

Damn!! Taxi fare are soaring!! Every 20cent the meter jumps,my heart is filled with anger! It cost me 14.40 to take a cab from home to office! This is insane! I think even cabby think likewise. I bet business are getting worse. In the past, I used to take taxi w/o hesitation but now?

No hesitation! Just take the bus!! Just wait!

Gosh... probably they should bring it back.

Thankfully work was fine. Not too bad. Lunch in with my finance notes and bread! Sad but yea...

Working and studying ain't that easy. Knew it from the start but there are more. I'm gonna make things work! And it will! Still have tuition.

"Jocelyn you must be insane!"

yea yea.... I know what you mean. But oh well... ... .... ....

I'm speechless too!

Tiredness is taking over. I'm losing focus now. My brain is sending msg to my body! Time to slp!
But it's time to study!

Ciaoz!

I've missed my last 2007 entry and first entry of 2008, it's the 4th day of 2008 and I've yet to come out with a proper new year resolution.

2007 just flew by unknowingly, and 2008 is here to say "Hi, I'm here to make you work harder! hahaha(evil laughter)."

Flash thoughts:

it's the last day of 2008, 2009 is here to say "congrats! you only have another 6 mths in this damn place!"

Bidding good-bye to 2007 wasn't a loud or happening one. Probably age is catching up. It was a moment of mix emotions. Sadness at 7pm, frustation at 9pm, laughter from 10pm - 2am.

Least there's laughter to be mention.

However sad,angry or happy the last moment of 2007 is, I'm all geared up for 2008.

Movie of the year 2007 (least to me):

Almost every scene was filled with excitement. Getting audience so jumpy. Probably off the seats if that was possible.

Can't get my fav. scene upload due to Co's computer restrictions.

Overall 4stars out of 5.

Seriously I hate festive season. Esp in Singapore. Everywhere is packed with people. Humans are just like sardines packed into the can. (oh how poor thing.)

Finally a saturday that I can wake up late. Woke up at 9+ and realise that some of them actually didn't rec'd my msg abt the cancelled practice. Rang Lj and told him.

And last min they Muru and Lj asked if I wanna join them for breakfast. More of lunch I guess. Wanted to sleep more but my stomach disappoint me. Crawl up to bath and pack my gym bag. And off we head for breakfast. I was craving for dim sum. Good dim sum. But come to think of it most of the dim sum here taste awful. That I would rather stick to pancakes. But luckily Lj knew of a place. These restaurant had the best dim sum I ever ate in Singapore. Very traditional like restaurant with all the waiter and waitress pushing the trolley around asking what you want. Just like how they do it in HK.

After a satisfying breakfast accompanied with good conversation, it was time to burn those fats and tone it up!

Met my PT there, had a short chat and did a little small training there. haha....

Cardio:done.

Biceps:Worked.

Triceps:worked.

Chest:worked.

Thighs:Worked.

Stretching:DONE!

So overall it was nice saturday. A good breakfast followed up with a sweat-it-out session.

Headed to down orchard with the intention to get some stuff but the shop is not selling it anymore! That's sad. And I ended up buying a pair of shoes and 2 shorts.

Few days back I was just complaining of being cashless. And now?

Thanks to my mum who kept striking lottery.

Anyways time to study!

Ciaoz!

What Your Handwriting Says About You

You are a fairly energetic person. You know how do pace yourself, and you deal well with stress. You are very extroverted and outgoing. You are loving, friendly, and supportive. However, you are also manipulative and controlling at times. You are balanced and grounded. You know how to get along well with others. You need a bit of space in your life, but you're not a recluse. You expect people to give you a small amount of privacy, and you respect their privacy as well. You are somewhat traditional, but you are also open to change. You listen to your head and your heart. You are a decent communicator. You eventually get your point across, but sometimes you leave things a bit ambiguous.

What Does Your Handwriting Say About You?

You Are a Fierce Femme

You have a wild side, and you aren't afraid to bring it out when the time is right. But you also know when to hang back and keep your "crazy chick" persona in check. In fact, some of your friends may be surprised to find out how far you can take it... You may look mild mannered, but it's all an act!

Are You a Daring Woman?

Laying in the comfort of my bed,i'm here blogging at this hour.

Just got back from wala. It's been a long time. Can't rmb when was the last time I actually went out on a friday night.

Busy and messy day at work. Thanks to the x'mas lunch, but food was gd. It took abt 3 hours. It was held at the sentosa cove. Nice place.

Had to dump my colleagues in the battlefield for my other battle. School.

Lesson was fine. I've succeeded in answering another question with understanding. With a nod and a "good" from my lecturer.

T'was alr 10plus when I ended class. Still nth can stop me from wala!!! Nv had so much fun and laughter for a long time. Shouting and arguing. haha....

Headed to the nearby coffee shop for a chat with my colleagues.

Gonna head to bed soon hope that i can wake up for gym tml!

It's the last day of processing sg box. And am so relieved! So happy.

well that's not the only happy issue for the day. Got a year end review.

They increased my pay for next year and this yr bonus was a satisfactory amt of money! =)

But besides these 2 happy issues, work was tiring and energy consuming. It's a public holiday and there are so many remittance to do. Though can't be compared to HK box. There's lotsa of shit for SG box. Ended up leaving abt 8!

For gym!!!! Gym!!! GYM!!!! I've been for 2 wks!! Gosh!!!

It's work and studies. Tideous. Worked out with my PT today! She's insane man!! nuts!! But well had fun training together with her. After so long.

It's day 1 of not having him around me. I feel so weird. No one to give me a hug after a day's work. No one to share my joy with when I got my bonus letter. No one to have dinner with me. To make me laugh.

I hope the 5 days passed real fast. Beginning to miss him.

Ciaoz peeps! Gotta do my tuts!! Working tml!!

It's day 6.

6 days of processing SG box,it felt like 6 mths. It's torturous.Disgusting.Troublesome. And overwhelming sadness in ME!

Only wish for KC to be back soon. Since the day I'm back from my block leave,I've been lunching in. Making sure every single min is used wisely,I wld look through my notes or do my tutorial.

Working and studying part-time is tideous. And I've not been gym-ing for 2 wks!

There I go again.

Weight-conscious mode:Activated.

Fats increased mode:Activated.

Rapid changes in mood:ACTIVATED.

I've never been so stressed up in studies before. Probably last min studies. But since the day 1 i started class,I've been revising almost everyday.

It's not 'cause of the competition in class. It's abt me paying whole lump sum,though it's sponsored by the bank but i'll hv to pass first. Can't afford that to happen.

Gonna and have to come out with a time-table.

Planning time!

Let's just say it's an insane day after lunch.

i'm leaving office now!

I've reached office at a surprisingly 8.30am. It's not usual to see me around at the time unless u're talking about 9-9.30am.

The reason for the early timing is due to the location of my stay over.

Was staying over at uncle's place last night cause all of them were outstation. So to be exact, I was a guard dog. It's freaky to stay in a 2-storey terrace house with just the maid. So I got cou ricky to stay over... And this dude has to come at 11.30pm.

I cldn't wait any longer. No. My bowels cldn't wait any longer... I had to bomb Afghan. Went up alone to shower.

Anyways took a private bus to work, it's way much faster and convienent. Of coz! At a cost of 2.50. It's worth anyways.

I'm rather free at work now since I have a helper now. And my job now is to dump everything to her. Cause I'M GOING ON LEAVE!!!

21nov-4dec. Don't woah... cause I deserve it. I need a good rest.

My leave is nicely planned out alr. I've loads to do.

It just feels different. 3 more days.... 10 days of leave! and a helper now. What's more can I ask for? OH... pay raise! hee...

Time now is 1.44pm. Lunch time!

Current mood:


Wondering why I cld change a skin but not update? Just let me tell you.

Updating an entry is way more tiring then changing a blog skin. But at least I had updated with 3 sentences the other day. And since I've neglected my blog for a long time,it shall be a proper entry for today.

Saturday nights should be fun and exciting but here I am just lazing around in Mr pig's room updating an entry. His room always make me feel so comfy that I fall asleep each time I'm here.
It's been a tiring week. Weeks to be exact. Needless to explain you know why. I need the space for better things to say.

My hamstrings are so tight,I just need a stretch. Man! I miss Shufen helping me with all the stretching! Oh yea... Shufen is my personal trainer, the torturous trainer!! haa... But i need those torture, cause it's my only channel of relaxation straight after work.

"Gypsy dance" is getting better. Each individual can almost play our parts, just a little more practice together before the big day!

Heading to orchard to look for Mr pig and her mum and sister. First destination was to subway at cineleisure. It wasn't satisfying at all! The lady burnt my sub and the manager had to change a new one for me before even wrapping it up for me! And she did something so stupid! She toast my bread without my cheese and turkey ham!!! I love melted cheese! Thanks thanks.... Had an awfully quick lunch.

Talking about lunch reminded me of breakfast this morning. Last night I told mum that I wanted to have the longevity bun for breakfast cause I wld be hungry in the morning. And plus I won't be meeting Mr pig for breakfast. I came out from the shower and happily turn on the stove. Went into the room to dressed up and pack up. And when I was abt to leave the house, I went to check on my bun. Guess what! I was actually boiling water for 15 mins!! Thanks mummy!

Anyways back to where I was. After lunch we headed down to Taka to see what we can buy. My company gave me a $100 taka voucher. Won't get it until 15 nov. Wanted to get a wallet for myself but I cldn't find "the wallet". Besides I've too many. So I might just get sth else and leave the rest for Mr pig.

Plan today was to window shop and it went pretty well, only money spent on was food and drinks. Talk about that! I feel so fat now. I've been eating non-stop. High sugar intake is making me feel diabetic. I need sth plain GOD!!! Orchard is getting boring after heading down for 2 consecutive weeks. We left for cityhall on 124 and sth unexpected made us alight opp. SMU. They were having a mini flea market. I just love flea markets! You never know what kind of "steal" you can get.

That's y I said "plan". I ended up buying a vest,t-shirt and 3 books which cost $50 for all. Think the only way to stop myself from spending is to stay home and rest,since I need it. I've nth to say about my spending ways, I guess it's the same for you.

Met up with his mum and sister for dinner. Settle at this jap restaurant in PS which contradict themselves by selling pasta and baked rice. It's not worth the money and the food ain't fantastic. It's right beside Ajisen, give it a miss if you can. Strongly advisable!

And that was today for you. Boring life but at least it's better than work!! Simply can't wait to start school!! First day of student life commenced on the 30th nov. I know it sounds insane but I JUST CAN'T WAIT TO HIT THE BOOKS AGAIN!! Rawrrrr....... hahaha!!!

Being able to study again just mean so much to me. The other meaningful thing was yours truly turning 21 on the 25th sep. Boy! Haven't had a birthday celebration for so long and it's so tiring. Esp. a big one.

The popiah gang who came with a cake box which I have no idea how they got it.

Law,Mr pig and me.

Pastor Lee,Andy,me,Daphne,Aunt Emily

Poly classmates.

We share the same birthday. Hmm... maybe our soul swap.

Abn Colleagues.

Sweet!

Mum didn't know Ricky was taking a photo cause he didn't count! She picked up her call.

I can't rmb when was the last time I took a photo with mum. But I'm glad that I did on the day.

My Little Niece,Jenmma. Oh look at her!! She's so fat!! I just wanna pitch her! Sad to say none of us really got the chance to carry her except for her parents and my aunt! Cause she wld start crying like we just abuse her so badly!


My no-choice-cake. Wanted cupcakes but it was way too late.


My sisters setting my birthday cake on FIRE!!



The family photo.

My students.

De percussionista.

I rmb 2 weeks before my birthday, all my friends started asking me what I want. They had no idea what to get for me cause I already had everything. It's just funny that what present you are gonna expect. And because it's your 21st birthday, you can always ask for a BIG ONE!! It's your 21st birthday dude!! Don't ask for nothing!! hahaha....

Gifts requested by yours truly:

From marilyn and Wei bin
Who else can this be from?

Abn colleagues.

From popiah.


From poly classmates.

I msg-ed them to tell them what to get. But there were some that bought the right things for me.


Jewellery box from some colleagues who cldn't make it.


Mirror from Eanna.

Bikini from Mai & Ricky.

From Andy & Daph. Love the watch and the book. But I misplaced the book!! boo hoohoo...

From my lovely sisters.


Had $700 red packets from my uncle and aunties. And Aunt Emily paid for my buffet. ^-^

Thinking back. Though it might have been tired but having so many people at my party was lovely. Tears almost filled me when they sang the birthday song for me. Kind of shy too cause cause I haven't had a party since I was 5 or 6?!

The party wldn't been successful without some help as I didn't had time to buy the necessary things due to work.

Meiying:
Thank you for the help in getting the party decos, goodie bags,sweets and pumping the ballon. Leading in singing the birthday song. And setting my cake on fire! I still owe you money!!

Meichan:
Thank you for pumping the ballon and putting up the decos.

Ricky:
Thanks for packing the goodie bags and stealing the sweets at the same time! Thank you for being the camera man with shaky hands!

Mai:
Thanks for packing the goodie bag!

To all of you! Thanks for coming! You guys made it lovely!

That's all for now... TBC!

Posting an entry seems tougher and tougher nowadays.

A good and soundless sleep is hard to get by.

A good long break takes forever to come.

When can my rest come?

Finally manage to "steal" some time to update.

Heading to the gym just makes me feel so good but still I feel fat cause I'm eating. uh huh! Signs of anorexia. Yes yes... am watching out for that. Still munching chips down my throat but only a few pieces.

Anyways was on the bus the other day, heading somewhere when this just hit me.

Happiness. What is that? Each individual has our own definition of happiness. A simple 3 syllabus,9 letter word but it's worth is higher than that.

So what's the measure of yours? Or you've yet to think about it.

Slow down. Take a few secs to think. Soon you'll realise secs would turn to mins then hours. Now you're starting to think.

When I mention happiness here, I don't mean having "the man" of your life. Come on we're still young (if only my friends are reading). Life's a bitch, you never know a better man will come along one day. We are the new age women. Stronger and tougher.

But like I say each individual has different point of view to happiness. Maybe to some people having lots of branded goods is their happiness. Ain't trying to say that it's materialistic. Those are the results of hard work so pamper yourself!!

Gucci,Guess,LV.... blah blah... as the list goes on. They're never my kind of thing. Despite coming out to work for nearly a year plus. I still don't set my eyes on those. But I love bags. Cheap affordable bags that have different style and look.

Heading to the gym 3 times a week is an enjoyment for me. No matter how tired. The thought of putting on weight is just simply unacceptable. I've become paranoid I'm aware of that. Watching my diet and keeping fit.

Making the percussion band a success. Lots of performance,exposure. Excel at work. Hoping to change an environment. Studying part-time and working full-time which I simply can't wait. It sounds insane.

But this is my happiness. These are the things that satisfy me. That could keep me smiling.

Had dinner with my mum just now and she was so happy... And I realise I have not been spending time with her. I've been coming home late and barely get the chance to see her. She's happy but I'm sad. Cause she misses me yet I didn't realise it cause she never say it out. But it isn't difficult to see right. She everyday she would call me to ask what time I'm coming home.

"Don't be too late."

That's already a hint. But I was just to busy to even care... No heartless I would say.

So I came out with this plan. Every sat would be dinner with mummy. Bring her around for good food.

After reminders from Aud and Weiloong, I decided for a short entry! ",)

well it's always better then nothing. Ha...

Anyways life been rather the same. Same old roller coaster life. But wait. Not exactly the same. There are some changes to work. The lady helping me tendered! Thanks Thanks! Thought that we've finally found someone who will stay long. But now she's gonna be gone soon.

And I can't help asking myself.

"WHAT THE HELL AM I STILL DOING HERE?!"

Working my arse off! Having my dept head saying... "Do you know that our company is paying her very high?!"

Oh! So what I'm only a dip. holder! You have a problem with dip. holder having high pay! I'm so glad that I ain't working in yr used-to-be section. Where you even pay yr contract DEGREE holder PEANUTS! They're your staff! Not yr slaves!

But sadly you're soon gonna be my EX-boss! ",)

I'm getting sick of my job. But am worried. Quitting without a job is dangerous! There's a risk after 3 months, I'll be shaking legs at home, logging on the jobsDb, sending tons of resumes that when tat stupid someone calls you and asked if you did remember, think hard you'll still end up saying no!

And I've been overspending recently. So I guess I'll have to stick on to some time later.

That's the problem when you start doing online shopping and when you lose weight! You know you can just fit into it even without trying.

The fact that I'm happy that I've lost weight seems to backfire to all the adults in my life. My parents (esp. mum), my auntie Emily, my boss Lydia and some of my colleagues. I look way too skinny. That's what they commented.

Can you imagine my relatives used to call me "xiao pang" and few days back when i went back to my uncle's place for dinner. They all actually said I was skinny.

See it's difficult to satisfy all these adults. But so long as I'm happy.. It's cool. Heading to the gym every alternate days in I can. Still watching out my diet but sometimes I still give myself a little treat. After 3 mths of controlling,losing 10 kgs and now heading to the gym... I think I can still afford that little treat. Though I still feel guilty about eating. Yes I'm a little anorexia but still under control. It's all in the mind.

But I've to give away alot of my clothes but i'm happy to do so! Cause....

As the saying goes....

"If the old doesn't goes, there's no room for the new ones!"

Hey peeps! Pardon me for not blogging this week. Just got back from Osaka ytd. Totally zonked out. Will update soon about my wonderful trip and the sadness of coming back to this land.

For now! it's bed time! Night!

Hi... My name is Jocelyn. The useless biatch.

Least that's the way I feel about myself and it makes me disgusted. Pissed with myself. Why can't I be stronger? Stand firm with my decision and not be soft-hearted. Not give in or even let anyone have the chance to see the weak "Jocelyn".

3 years. T'was the time I saw the fruit of my labour. The person that I wanted myself to be after that oh-so-silly incident. The strong,tough and serious Jocelyn that everyone could see. Not a single drop of tears or helplessness on my face. No longer the person who would start crying when I'm so over-stressed. I did it. In fact I enjoyed the fruit of my labour and kept the old me in a memory box. Sealed.

But it was not until when I stared out of the bus window,with penny of thoughts, tthat I realised that the old Jocelyn was pushing, with all her might ,her way out from that memory box. Soon I realised that she was coming back already, and the Jocelyn that I've tried so hard to create is almost gone.

Just one person it's enough to knock me down. I'm on the verge of losing this battle. And I'm not willing to! It's not fair. Since when I was to be an extra player in someone else's planned game. That wasn't supposed to be the way it is.

I hate myself for being so vulnerable in front of you! To prove you right that I'm just like most of the girls out there who needs another half for support. But each time when I decided to be firm and hard-hearted, with just one msg. I defeated myself. Each time when I agree to meet you, I feel useless!! ABSOLUTELY USELESS!

You knew that I want to see you so badly,something I never dare to admit to my friends but I'm saying it here right now, and when I said it's ok that I don't meet you, the question comes.

"I'm asking you one more time, do you want or not."

And you won. Just like that. You got me to say it out which is what you wanted me to.

"You know I've always been like that."

That's what you told me. At that moment, I realised how stupid I was. You're luring me to be someone that I never wanted myself to be ever again.To lure that person in the memory box out.

I mocked at myself as I read that msg, how did I ever let myself fall into such things again.

As I placed my cell down on the table, I made up my mind. It's gonna be a test for me this time round. I'm gonna push that person in the memory box back to where she rightfully should be.

Cause no one except myself, can make me lose the battle against me.