It's freezing cold in the office. My fingers are numb. And damn.. I brought my jacket back home.

I'm leaving for Sabah at 5pm. Finally a short getaway to the nature. After so much of shopping holiday trips, I think it's time that I learn to appreciate the beautiful nature that God has created. Something that I've missed. Until Ivy's trip here. And I didn't realise Singapore has such nice places. So near my house but also only caught my attention when the bus passes by.

Leaving for Sabah... but it's pretty shitty. I had stomach cramps since sunday and stomach upset since sunday. Everything goes in, comes out watery. And I had seafood for dinner last night. Now I have rashes on my feet! Damn!!

I really hope I enjoy this trip!

I totally screwed up my paper today. and I doubt I can passed. But I pray for the best.

My strength is not strong enough to support my will. I have slowly drift away from Him. My quiet times with Him had seem to disappear. What's the most important thing in my life and yet my faith is not built upon it.

I've been depending on my helpless strength. But why not depend on the One who have unlimited strength.

I need my REAL life back!

Time now is 7:39pm.

And we're supposed to be on our way to weiloong's 21st birthday. But I just managed to finish. Sorry boy... work has to come first.

Anyways morning was a real busy time for me... Boss was sick. She went to see a doc and came in late. Leaving me to be superwoman, handling both SG and HK. But anyhow it all went well! Talking about falling sick. The weather is pretty bad nowadays. It's hot and dry. Everybody is suffering from sore throat,flu and headaches. Just hope the germs dont start to spread! Take care my friends!

I rec'd a call from mum just now. I would be happy if she didn't call. And it probably won't end up in such an upset situation. She called to ask if I was free to help my dad sign a contract to get him a phone from starhub. I told her that am having exams next week and I need the time to study. Sure it takes a short while but it's Sat tml. Starhub is ALWAYS flooded with people. A short while could be 2hours. I could achieve lots in 2 hours rather than sitting at a place with so many deseparate people waiting for their turn. So my dad not having a phone to use is more impt than my exams. How good can she improve the already so bad situation.

I don't know how...

Anyways it's time to leave! Auds waiting at Vivo! Sry girl!

I don't know why but as I get older I seem to hate... probably the word "hate" is too much, dislike might be a better word, my family.

Probably like the old saying... 长大了, 翅膀长硬, 会飞了.

Growing up has allow independence to be part of my life even more. And having an income has made me wanna break free even more. From this family. A home. More like a place I wanna get away from so much. And I'm counting down to the day. I'm waiting for that day to come.

Having being introduced into another family, I realised the meaning of being a real family. Maybe it's because of this family that fillls the part that's is missing in my life all these while. Strangely, it makes me wanna cherish this family more than my own. Everyone in this family plays a part and not saying "those are not mine, it doesn't bothers me." Everyone in this family helps each other to keep the house neat and tidy. Relatives that communicates with each other with not much restrictions and talks about anything. And not feeling like a stranger and have no topic to talk about.

Not relatives that says things without thinking or say things that might even hurt. Not relatives that gives a strong urge to show them that without their help financially, I'll still stand on strong. Even if it takes to stop school.

And my family. I'm starting to close my doors towards them.

This chinese new year's spring cleaning has taught me not to do too much. Just stick around with your own stuff. I find time and spend time to do but it wasn't appreciate. All I get back is "only hardworking today" from my mum when my aunt came. That's all I got. Not a single thank you or anything. Packing to the wee mornings after work and non-stop from sat afternoon to 6am sunday morning, no appointments, no sleeping despite of headache. Just to try to keep the house clean and presentable. And all I got back is a bucket of cold water right on me.

And my youngest sisters who did nothing and 2nd sister who helped abit and went straight to bed after saying having headache didn't even got a single nag or scolding from my mum.

I had a huge quarrel with her few days after the cny eve. A quarrel that changed everything since then. Home is no longer the place I took refuge in. I've not talk to my sisters much since then. Not share with them what happen at work. I've become someone of few words at home now. I won't say that it's totally her fault but I would say only 20% is my fault. But 80% will be my fault 'cause I was disrespectful. But I had enough.

Life in my family will be different. You may say I could have choose the other way. But I'm telling you now, i'm choosing this way. I'll let things be the way it is, so as to minimize the quarrels at home.

Family is no longer that important to me, but in times of trouble I won't run away.

My OWN family will be the important one to me in future. A family I built up with love and warmth. With lots of laughter and sharing. With happy memories that make me smile and not fill it with tears.

Don't say anything 'cause I'm not changing my mind. Mum hasn't wash a single of my clothes since then. 'Cause I've been doing it. And i'll con't on.

Call me stubborn, stupid or heartless. It will be the way it shall be.

It's been madness at work these 2 days.

The word "madness" seems to be always used to describe my work. Frankly speaking it is. It comes and goes like nobody's business. It can be calm this moment and stormy the next. Sometimes I think it's too much. 'cause every single payment is urgent. But there's only me. One Jocelyn.

Yesterday's work left me seeing red. And really realise the reason why many hate these, in this case I would like to refer to them as "zi you shen". Learnt this when I was in HK. They are really horrible. Calling china is always the greatest challenge for me. And I was being transferred here and there. Details I shall save it. Manage to get it settled after 2 days. And I'm "impressed" with their working attitude. How could their main branch sent our amendment to the wrong branch?! We're talking about payments here. Late payments=lost of interest or causing a OD in client's account. I take my hats off them. They're nothing but "superb".

This case was already driving me crazy and this morning I've so many payments that are urgently waiting to be authorised. I wonder how I manage to cope, but I just did.

So much about work. Let's gossip abit.

I've a stalker sitting next to me and he's slowly getting on my nerves and a pain in the arse. He did something that probably NO ONE will ever do. Didn't they say men think from one box to another. But he's thinking OUT of the box. It was a stupid thing to do.

He's been bugging me and my colleague for weeks as to why I'm not speaking to him. Somethings are just best left unspoken. I was already slowly talking to him but he screwed it up yesterday.

We have templates at work to used when crediting the client's a/c. Once the entry is keyed, it would be reflected in client's a/c, pending for my approval. This smart alec actually type "Ms lee, can u pls tell me why are you not talking to me leh. I really dont know why leh." So you know why it's stupid.

Luckily I found out in time, reprimanded him a little and ran away from the qns. It stepped on my tail again.

What can I say. He's just too imaginative. Smart.

I've been through lots of emotions yesterday, good thing was it ended on a happy note. I bought a pair of boots for 50 bucks. Cheap!

My mind is wandering off soon... Getting slpy.

Gotta sleep early and prepare for a power pac morning!! Body combat here I come!!

Ciaoz everyone!

Till then! Take care!

Gastric is giving me problems again.

Was on mc for the past 2 days. down with gastric flu. I slept the whole of yesterday and I just feel like sleeping more. Headed back to work today. But felt worst.

I was having terrible headache. Had a nap on the bus and woke up feeling giddy and nausea. And my vision was blur. I was afraid to stand up when I reach office. Coz I fear that I will collapsed again. I had something sweet and felt better. But my vision was still blur. I was trying hard to keep my eyes open. To make sure that the numbers I saw and figures were correct. Fearing that I might just sent the wrong amt out.

Lunch was terrible. I could barely eat anything in. I didn't ever had half the salmon or 1/4 of rice. I lost all the appetite.

Sudden change in body temperature was frustrating. This minute i felt chill, next I'll be in cold sweat. I felt like going home badly but there was no one to cover me. Sg side already had enough problems.

Manage to get off work early due to low volume. Headed to Tiong Bahru for a better doc. The same doc which I went back 3 times and got a 5 days mc. He's good just that i'm a lousy patient with a stubborn gastric. Well medicine is stronger i guess this time round.

But if I don't recover by this weekend. It's straight to the specialist this time.

So pray hard Jocelyn! U have a mighty healer! Have faith!

2008 has been a year of great blessings and trials.

It was a year hard to get by. Trying to balance life between work and school.

And work gives me nothing but sadness. It took me awhile to finally realize and figured out how I could look at my job the positive way.

Besides work and school, manage to meet up with some of my poly classmates and sec. school mates. And of course, the percussionists! The people I truly and always adore! It's fun having their company. And I've owe them a gathering since a long time ago.

But sadly, there are a group of people. I don't wanna use friends here 'cause they are the people I would like to forget as I leave.

Friends were wonderful. But there is someone else that played a bigger part in my life and he still is. That is the boyfriend.

I recall the many times when we quarreled but without fail you always give in though it's my fault. I'm always the one who's all out to pick a fight with you and just walk out of the problem with my tiredness. But you taught me how to be patient. How to not give a verdict without hearing you out. And sad to say I'm still learning and trying...

You always gives me the best and keep the lousy ones for yourself. I don't understand how and why but you seem to have endless patience with me. My roller coaster mood swings must have gave you many tough times. Something which I might have took for granted sub-consciously. This part I'm trying very hard...

You get upset and ask me why I always refer you as "my friend" when speaking to others. It's just like we never or seldom call each other "baby,honey,dear or my darling etc....". But bitch,slut and arsehole. And our contact name in the phone are still our name. I like it this way 'cause what's important is just us. There better not be a 3rd party!! That's for me! haa... =x

I treasure this relationship, treasure you and all the effort you've put in. Especially helping to take care of Butsie. She would have been dead if she was living under the same roof as me.

Thank you for being my best friend,confider and arsehole! And never to forget my best bitchy shopping partner since a long time ago! You love to see me buy clothes that suits me and so do I! That's why we always over spend!

It's a brand new year with several "missions" to accomplish.

2009's resolution:
1) Building a closer relationship to God
2) more Devotional time
3) Re-discover my keyboard skills in worshipping and leading worship.
4) His salvation.
5) Get done and over with my Degree
6) A new job with better boss and career opportunity.
7) To spend less. (Quite impossible but trying.)
8) Travel more. (How to spend less????)

The lists goes on but these would be top priorities.

It's 1am. Time for bed but I need to start on my assignment due on wednesday.

Gosh feeling lazy and it's suppose to be a brand new year!

So long peeps! Till then! Take care!

Mum and Aunt called to check on me several times these 2 days.

I feel touched and loved.

I made them worried. Esp. my mum... who called me many times just to ensure that I'm alright.

I fainted on sat mornin and my sister, meichan, freaked out 'coz my eyes rolled.

Thank God she was in the living room. If not I might had hit my head on the sofa side or the floor.

When I woke up I was kneeling on the ground with my sister trying to hold me up and shouting "Jie" and the last thing I could rmb was me standing up talking to my sister.

Thanks mum,aunt and meichan!

I'm struggling hard to keep myself focus in my studies.

Exams are just one day away and I've hardly prepare anything much. What have I done the past few days?

I really don't know. concentration only comes in the night. And in the day it's just time for Jocelyn's lazy afternoon.

My life is better much like a roller coaster nowadays. I think I know where the problem is. But why is it so difficult. Why do I find it so restless or weak to stand against it.

I have time to reflect on my actions. But I chose to leave it at the back of my mind.

Am I just such a coward to admit? While on the outside stands a ego and strong me.

Nobody screwed up my life, except myself.

Work could have been fine, even though it's really shitty.

But it's just how you see it.

I need to get my life back in shape. Like how it used to be.

I pray for help, O God!

I finally found the reason of my unhappiness.

Not exactly found but re-confirm.

My work is the one.

It's my 2nd day of leave and I have not felt a single unhappiness in me. I'm enjoying every moment. And I realise that it's really time to leave this place. But not with the current situation. Just how long do I still have to wait.

The work is fine but some people are juts shitheads. Esp. if it's your boss.

And I just found out that one of my colleague didn't like the girl I always dislike.

I've always thought that I have a problem with her that's why everything she does. Just annoys me. But it turns out otherwise. Ai ling felt the same way too.

And after hiding so long and working with each other for quite awhile then we realise that there are alot of things that we think the same way. We have been hiding and complaining to out bf and husband. Now that we know we have each other, work seems happier.

Having her ard makes me happier at work. Coz least I know I can speak to someone about it.

I have about 8 more months to go before completing my studies. At this point of time, I need the money for my school fees. I don't pin much hope on them reimbursing me for my studies. After all studying and taking a degree is for my own benefit.

When it comes to a point that it reaches my limit. I'll definitely do what I've been wanting to do and ought to do for the past one year.

I've become such a unhappy person because of work. My boss doesn't really give my opportunities. Not sure why. Probably she's afraid.

But the day when I tender I'll give her the real reason for my resignation. And not telling her I've a better offer. No lies.

We're a family. That's what she told Ailing today. But are you sure you really see me as a family?

I've chosen to keep quiet at work and not give her much suggestion. Since she doesn't really use them.

She loves her "pet S" so much. They can go form a family then.

I think I better stop. Or else it'll bring the anger out from me again.

It's just 40 over days more to the end of 2008.

Bear with it! i believe I have higher tolerance level than this.

Time to study! Econs! Damn!

I hate...

After 2 weeks of madness working, I finally went for my workout.

It felt good. I let it all out.

Work is making me moody. It's making me depressed.

I want to end my journey here.

This is not what I want. I need something better.

I hate restrictions. I hate not being able to go further.

I hate my life now....

punctured.

I'm feeling like a thousand things is in my head. and I just can't get things started.

Am tired from work for the past 2 weeks. almost 15 hours of work everyday. It's draining me...

Economy is going chaotic. And so are our lives. Long gone are those who said that banking pays well. Now the question is. Can you even keep your job? People are paranoid about their investment. And I've lost some too.

I'm getting annoyed with people around me. Wanting to get some interest out of AUD. But is afraid. Changing minds from time to time. It's getting on my nerves. Just what the hell is your final decision.

My mum thought that I've lose my senses by having a $10K credit card bill and there she goes nagging away over the phone. With a "no it's not", I ease her and just hang up.

Things around me are going on so fast but my pace is slowing down each day with the tiredness. Yet I can't stop 'cause I've projects and assignments.

I'm starting to hate school. Hate marketing. But like finance. Surprising.

And I just want to leave somethings the way it is now. I don't feel like meeting some people 'cause it reminds me of others. The others that I don't really want to associate with. I tried to push it away. But they keep forcing me.

I'm disappointed with some people in my life but they just don't know. I've become less interested in what they are doing. Cause the ones that really cares are far away. The friendship that used to bring some fun and laughter, now I want to stray faraway. But it just won't allow me to. I've hinted but it insisted.

Does it have to be so clear? I just want my time alone. To spend time with people that I think would make me happier.

My voice has slowly lose it's existence in the work place 'cause I chose not to be too close. Everyone is wearing a mask. Even those that I thought are nice, are actually not really sincere and nice. Those I don't like remain unwelcome in my life.

Now those few people are running through my head. And some used-to-be close ones. I'm feeling sore.

I need chocolate or ice-cream.

It's okay. I shall abstain.

Till the next time round.

ciaoz.

Typhoon No.8

yes... it is but not here at work. But live in HK.

HK market is closed for the day. And there's not much work to be done.

So now the decision maker is my boss.

Waiting for the green light from her to see if we can go home.

hmmmm.... but she doesn't seem like she want to...

Anyways we'll see.

Life have been such a bitch. I'm beginning to realised that I've lost myself. Work is becoming such a drag even after 10 days of block leave. I can't get back the passion that I used to have. Becoming abit more laid back when doing work. But not too much.

It's like a time bomb have been planted within me. Waiting to explode anytime. I've been holding on and biting my teeth. How I wish I can bite it off.

anyhow.. i'll still try to hold on.

hk

it's my first day in HK.

And for the first time i'm travelling alone. prety exciting taking into consideration trying taking a big luggage,8 boxes of pandang cake and taking public transport to my friend's house alone.

All these I've never done before. It's always taxi and taxi. Fun and cheap.

Then I can save all my money on eating and shopping. Headed to this shopping mall that has almost most of the brand outlets. Cheaper but outdated in HK not SG.

Not much activities today. Just these much.

Getting abit sleepy. Gotta head to bed. Coz it's gonna be more fun and shopping tml. =)

I miss him so....

It's been a long time.

my last post was in April and it's almost exactly 2 months that I've not update any single thing.

It's been a long-weary-challenging-uptight 2 months. I am drained to the extreme and I know I need a long break from work.

Just ended my summer semester couple weeks ago. Having my well deserve holidays. Not quite. But still trying to make full use of it.

I'm back to my "no-life" life. Working late and later.

Seriously am sick of my life here. Here. In Singapore. I need some change and I need some motivation to get my life going on.

Though I am now an authorizer. I don't feel like one. Felt that I was the right person, at the right time to be make use of. Not the best candidate. It saves her trouble it look for someone new.

Sometimes I wonder is it me. Or is it them. Or rather it's time to leave? It's pointless staying there with absolutely no opportunity to go anywhere further.

Part of me is hesitant. But almost a whole big part of me is hoping everything goes well and I can get what I want. Life would be a brand new start. I still remember how ecstatic I was, with my blood pressure dropping and feeling faint over my excitement.

Well if it's meant to be, it shall be. That's all I can say.

*Oh GOD! Pls give it to me!"

It's 1.24 am and he's mugging hard for his paper tml. Best of luck.

Time for bed. Ciaoz.

April... the fool's month.

phew what a close shave, I would say.

Am finally able to eat chilli after 2 weeks.

Last week was terrible.

Seriously speaking I was really afraid of scoping that I prayed hard and cried that it will recover.

As always. God answers prayers. Everything is all well.

Recovering from that painful experience was the best thing that happen in the month of April.

April was a really bad month. Not just for me. But everyone else beside me.

I screwed up my Finance Managerial MST. And I walked out happily facing the fact that am going to fail this paper. I just know it.

Finished up my MR individual proj., not gonna do well. I just know again.

Left with FM & MR grp project.

I have not been studying and doing my revision. Too much slacking. Am just so tired and exhausted everyday.

And with promotion to authoriser, am finishing work at almost 7+,8 everyday. There's too much things to do. More to come. I know that. Again.

I barely even have time for gym nowadays. What's more abt losing weight and sweating it all out.

And interest. well... it was supposed to be an interest,doing what you enjoy. Absolutely stress free. But now it's more of a burden. No not the right word. Stress. yea... that's the word. It's making me a little upset and helpless. And definitely guilty.

Seriously speaking. Stress level is hitting it's peak soon. And I'm talking about taking 3 modules for my next sem,with work and tuition.

Mentally: am zonked.

Physically: Not sure when it's going to give way.

Probaly stress was the reason to the gastric pain. Maybe it was sub-conscious initially. But when it became conscious, it was too late.

I start to doubt myself. My ability. My tolerance level.

How far can I go in this journey?

Something undesirable.

Am struggling hard to finish up my Marketing Research project.

2 questions.1000 words each. Seems easy,sounds easy. But it's hell of a time to so research for just this 2000 words. Am already done with question 1.

There's still left with one more to go... probably another 3-4 more hours. I hope I get it done fast. There's still finance to study. I've cutting too much slack for myself this term. Gotta get the ball rolling again.

It's a tuesday afternoon and here I am at home doing my project. Not on leave but medical leave. 2 days of MC ytd and today. Talking about that I was on MC for 3 days last week too.

Guess gastric has really knock me down this time. Been to the doc for 3 times. Med from the first doc didn't help much. Immediately the next day I went to another clinic. The pain relieve for a couple of days. But on sunday the pain was back and I vomited at night. Feeling more nauseous than before.

Headed back to the doctor again ytd. I was given stronger med and a referral letter to a specialist. 'Cause if the med doesn't helps,he's afraid that ulcers have already start developing. And if it burst... that's it. That is how simple it can be.

I know how serious the situation is now. And I'm really afraid. I don't wanna do scoping or whatever they call it. Insert a tube right through my mouth and start scanning. Gesh...

God please bless me.

And thanks I have not touch chilli for 1 week. I'll do anything now man... Even if it takes to eat porridge everyday. Anything. So long as it recovers and am able to take chilli again! Anything!

Maybe it's stomach cancer?

Maybe

I wanna talk.

I wanna study my finance.

I wanna fo my mkting research proj.

I wanna shop online.I wanna read a book.

Maybe... Maybe I wanna do either one of those above.

But I don't know.

I just feel weird.

Yea that's how I feel.

The "maybe" mood.

Nitez.

It's been a bad week since monday.

And friday has to be bad too...

I left home w/o my hp and only realise it at the bus stop. Overslept and missed my bus. Reached office the system was down... Seesh!!

It's not even black friday to talk about.

Hope things get better over the weekend. Think nth much gonna with intensive lecture taking up almost half a day for sat and sun.

Was so angry this morning.. But the thought of Butsie, is all it takes to see a smile on my face.

I'm upset.

Worried.

Tears are flowing down my cheeks.

My heart aches. And it's hurting even more.

How I wish I can leave right now to see you. And just sit beside you to watch you sleep.

Give you all my TLC and be there when you need me.

I miss your noise. I miss your liveliness. I miss you running and hoping around.

Get well soon. Butsie.