Are these worthwhile at all?

It's the question that pop in my head when I was taking my shower after 16hours of work. And previous day I spent 17hours in the office as well. But all my efforts worthwhile. Depsite trying my best and making sure things flow well. Despite that things are not within my control, it's still my fault.

Being blame for not sending out the payment. Not urging.

Did you see me making many calls? Did u hear me urging them? But there's nothing I could do. It's not my control.

And words are put into my mouth.

I'm wondering. I've tried my best and I'm satisfied. But why ask so much?

I just feel like swearing. I miss the bf. Wanna talk to him. Tell him all the problems I had for the day. He's sleeping at home now. Tml is his P.O.P. Finally after 3 months, I can talk and msg him anytime. And his comforting hug.

It's getting late. Time to sleep. Thank God am on 1/2 day tml.

17 hours

Just got back fro work not long ago. yea am not kidding. Left at 2am.

It's been a rough day. Super pissed with my colleague. Seriously so what it's her last day. I've never seen such irreponsible people. To think she's older than me. She still have the cheek to msg me to say she's sorry. Come on if it wasn't for her dilly-dally-ness. I won't have to leave so late and miss out my tuition session with my student for her Emaths O's tml.

Anyways she has left. No more working with her. I shld be glad.

Wanted to head to bed. But I'm so hungry and I definitely can't head to bed with a hungry stomach. It'll be tossing on the bed. Thank God mum cooked if not i'll be stuck with bread again. Breakfast-bread. Lunch-Sandwich. I'm gonna be so afraid of bread soon. It's not just today.

Gonna play some game before I head to bed. Gotta reach work early tml.

Work was like a nightmare this week! And I can only say... Thank God weekends are here! Was on dubai shift from 1pm till 10pm but without fail for the past 5 days I have been knocking off after 12 not to clear dubai stuff but HK stuff.

All the changes are affecting our work somehow or another. And for the past few days, I've become a help desk, query desk and hotline services. Many screw ups at work. Unexplainable and ridiculous shit happens. If I was the customer, I would have been pissed and lodge a complaint.

It's just scary how time just ticks away without my knowing. And before I know there's not much soul at Raffles place anymore. Just cabbies forming queues in hope for a customer to hop on.

It's tiring and draining. And I think I'm pretty stressed up. Or probably my brain had worked too much. There was 1 night I msg my boss to tell her that there's a mistake and she has to help me amend it in the morning. Msg was sent at 3am in the morning. It just came to me when I was about to fall asleep. Overload by work.

O's are coming soon. I'm worried. Have not been able to spend time with my student to clear their doubts. 6 years of tutor-student relationship or maybe I would prefer to call it friendship is gonna end soon. It was nice teaching this sweet little kids since I was 16. They have grown. I did as well. Physically and mindset.

It's 4:37am. Time to sleep. Gonna be a long day tml. Gotta collect my regalia and tickets for Convo. And I hope for a little shopping spree over the weekends! With the bf! =)

Coming back to work on a sunday is definitely not so pleasant.

When everybody else is getting ready to head off for shopping and enjoy the last bit of weekends before monday comes. I was preparing to come to work right after church.

Everything is just messy. Volume is low but there's so much problem to deal with esp. the system.

It's driving me crazy till I realise that I asked a stupid qns!

Gosh... it's another 1 hr more till knock off.

My sunday just went wasted like that.

I can't sleep tonight.

There's an unexplain excitement within me. The cause of it, I don't know.

Anyways we have started supporting dubai and it's been busy. Have to cover 2 persons job in the morning. Just so many things to do. And I wanna head to the gym. Have a good workout routine. Tone up more! Thought of signing up for PT.

My mind has suddenly gone blank. Heading to bed.

Night!

Just a few days ago i was pent up with immense frustation and bitterness. Everything just seem bad. I was not happy at all. Just felt like crying my heart out. Matter of fact. I hate it. I don't like to be crying cause it makes me feel weak. Esp. when I'm crying for no reason at all. Crying feels good though.

But these few days things got a little better. I'm happier. Even when I'm feeling tired and sleepy, I was happy. It was overwhelming. It's flooding within me. I guess things do really change when you see it from another point of view. When you start the day by leaving to the big Guy up there. He makes things more colourful though shit happens at work sometimes.

I'm sure God has his plans for me. And the things I have will be sufficient in my life.

Another colleague left ytd.

He came to bid goodbye last night. He took that leap of faith cause he's not happy here and some other factors. Quit without a job 'cause he believe God will provide a way.

But I heard otherwise this morning. Not sure what's the truth but if he's happier leaving then go ahead. I'm always happy when people leave this place. =)

He must be enjoying at home now. Especially with such a weather, lazing is the best.

Anyways when he bid goodbye ytd, he made a such comment while we were talking.

"Hi, i'm here to say goodbye, it's my last day. Though you look very stern most of the time but you're actually very nice. "

Do I?

I'm back I'm back!!

Changing my focus has brought happiness in my life.

I hate the me that cried so much the last few days. Feel so useless and vulnerable.

After that incident, crying was so tough until the bf came into my life. Though I still don't cry much, but i'll only allow tears to drop in front of him and no one else.

But anyhow spending time with God makes a big difference. I need to give more time to God. I'm losing that part out soon. So preoccupied with the things in my life, the busy work life, that I almost forgot my strength provider.

Verse of the day:

"Seek the LORD while he may be found; call on him while he is near."
Isa 55:6

Short weekend

Weekend is coming to an end once again. It's the draggy monday soon. It's been a rather rough week for me. I'm experiencing roller-coaster emotions which I have not had in a long long time. Like I say. I just wanna hide for a while.

"Maybe we should not meet tonight. Let's see each other tml instead?"

Those were the words that I sms the bf on friday and I regretted it 'cause last min he had to stay in camp. We only got hold of each other for an hr when he came back for a little while to check on me. On Sat we only manage to saw each other from evening onwards. Had a mini mid-autumn celebration in church. Headed out for midnight movies with Andy and my sister, Meichan when the bf went home to pick up the car.

Choice of movie: Surrogates

"People are living their lives remotely from the safety of their own homes via robotic surrogates -- sexy, physically perfect mechanical representations of themselves. It's an ideal world where crime, pain, fear and consequences don't exist. When the first murder in years jolts this utopia, FBI agent Greer (Willis) discovers a vast conspiracy behind the surrogate phenomenon and must abandon his own surrogate, risking his life to unravel the mystery. Written by Touchstone Pictures"

Quite a good show. But somehow as I was watching it I just felt that technology might just get a little way too scary. People operating their surrogates from home and they can even choose how they look like. Which means the surrogates looked different from the real human and since this is possible, a man can have a sexy female surrogate. In the world of surrogacy, it's perfect. Man has the perfect wife, no one ages. But isn't it scary? How about the human touch? It's gone. People lose their identity, laziness sets in, the world is seen from the eyes of the surrogates. The real human love is gone.

I hope technology has not gone that far to make this happen. God's beautiful nature will be neglected.

Anyhow after the movie, spent the night at his place. It turned out to be a long night. The eyes got tired and we just slept holding hands. Without saying a word. I felt like crap when I woke up this morning. I was sleepy. But the night passed too fast. I was still thinking about what I said last night, I wished time could just go back.

Well on a happy note, my aunt brought my niece, Jemmima, to church today. She's such a dear. Seeing her just makes everybody smile. I wanted to hug and cuddle her so tightly when she ran all the way to me and said these words. "I love you!"

"Awwwww..." That was just so sweet. A very sincere "I love you". Tell me. How many times do you mean it when you say it?? I gave her a big hug and a "I love you too."

Through out the whole week, this afternoon was the only time that I really smile and forgot about the burden. The innocence of kids. Their world is just so simple. She made my day by giving me one last hug and goodbye kiss before we parted.

Less than 24 hours, I spent with the bf this weekend. Dinner was fast and he had to head back to camp already. It's hard to even say "see you" and "take care". The words just choked on me. Especially at this point of time. 26 more days to his P.O.P.

It'll passed fast enough.

I guess I've lost focus on where my strength should come from. I've been drifting apart. It's time to search back and look at the main focus.

Hebrews 12:1-3

¹Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. ²Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. ³Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

Nothing much.

Sick. Having gastric flu.

Period. Gonna rest.

The floodgates

Have I reached the limit?

Seriously I don't know. It's been tough going by each day this week. Since monday I was feeling down. Ain't I supposed to be happy after birthday celebration. But what's wrong? What's bringing me down. Down to the bottom of the valley. Suddenly I seemed to have dropped into a cave. So dark with no exit or a ray of light.

I just need to let it out but there's no way out. My job has become more than a burden to me.

Finally today I couldn't help it, the floodgates open. Everything is just not right from the time I woke up to shower. Work was not good. Made a mistake. AGAIN. That's it. I wanted so much to break down at that moment. Go to the toilet to cry. Pick up the phone to give the bf a ring. But I couldn't 'cause he was in camp. And I didn't allow myself to get off my seat to hide in the toilet to cry. 'Cause that's not the person I wanna be. I sat there and controlled the tears that was about to roll down. I fought it. To the end of the day.

now i'm feeling so restless. Am on leave tml. Need it. I need some time alone. Just wanna be all alone. Not sure of the plans tml. Either head out shopping alone or just hide under the blankie.

Tired. Ciaoz peeps!

I wonder if it's the sadness after the happiness. I was feeling shitty today. Woke up and realise it's one of those days that work is such a bitch. But you'll have to drag yourself to FACE it. I just wanted to hide myself, kept to myself. Don't wanna talk or say anything much to anyone if necessary. Even calls rec'd from HK was answered with not much enthusiasm. A voiceless day I would call it.

Wanted to be alone for lunch as well. Decided that instead of sitting in the pantry, I shall just head out for some fresh air and open a UOB a/c. So second half of the day was better, after a cup of hot choc and 1/2 size sandwich. Felt so much better.

Anyways weekends were great! Friday was a pampering day for myself. Finally no more OTs on birthdays after 3 years in this Co. Headed to gym and spa after that. Gathering with the SP percussionist was FAB! But the dinner was awful. We'll supposed to head to Astons for dinner but it was too packed and so settled for New York, New York. Had to make it up with a carrot cake and green tea frapp. @ starbucks. Got my capitaland vouchers from them! and jazz cd from LJ and Doreen.

And Saturday I was with the bf from day to night. Lovely. Miss those time. Woke up for breakfast with his mum and it was just slacking at home with the TV and lappy. Headed to Tanah Merah country club for my niece 3 years old birthday from 2-6pm. Boy! you bet there were lots of children. Kids kingdom eh. Re-lived your childhood once again. Photo of my cousins with the little birthday girl.


And of 'cause after her celebration it was my time to celebrate with the bf! We headed to ION Orchard so that I can use my vouchers. Saw a couple of things the other day but it didn't end up being mine. Figured that I might find nicer stuff around. Anyways it was not a two-some outing that day. Called Jerm along as well! It's been a long time since I last shopped with her. Though not much time was spent on shopping. We had dinner at 'The Imperial Kitchen' and spent a whole load of time chatting away and enjoying our food! I think I need to start learning how to speak Cantonese. Not sure how long we spent inside the restaurant but everywhere was almost closing when we finished. Did some last minute shopping before heading to No. 5 at Emerald hill. 1 for 1 martini. It was chatting time once again. We had so much to talk about but Jerm forgot to bring my camera and there was NO photos of that outing. damnit!

But anyhow thanks for the watch Jerm!

Bf got me a Braun Buffel key pouch. I know he wanted to give me a surprise by giving me something else. Thank you for putting in the effort to head to Haji lane to look for something nice though you couldn't find any. I remember Ligen saying. Luckily he bought you the key pouch, what if he had gotten something that doesn't suit you. My answer to him was.... "My bf always gets the right thing for me, he knows what suits me best and always have an eye for the best things given to me." =)

But weekends have to go by so quickly and it's only tuesday tml. Stepping into October soon. And shift work is starting soon. Work always makes things worse!

Bought another book by Tess Gerritsen, "The Mephisto Club". It's reading time.

Ciaoz!

Twenty-three

I'm turning 23 in another 27mins time. Hmmm... how does it feel??

Twenty-three. 11 alphabets, 3 syllabus. Few letters, short and sweet. But it's 23 years of bittersweet. What an interesting journey through out my 22. Wonder how's the 23 journey gonna be like.

Oh well not much feeling to it. Just 1 year wiser. The more pleasant way to say it. To be more frank and blant, it's just 1 year older. Maybe when the number in front turn "3", I'll probably see it differently.

Nothing special. Not much wishes. Just want a quiet and peaceful birthday. And NO MORE OTs! Am on 1/2 day tml. Gonna head to the gym after work, spa and then dinner with the percussionists. What a relaxing day huh. Enjoy life? I need that.

Must be wondering where does the bf fit in?

We will be heading to Amber Hill on Sat night. Will update more.

Time to sleep! Ciaoz! =)

Pissed

I really feel like screaming!! Someone is getting on my nerves! I'm settling this freaking not-a-problem issue tml! Jocelyn is not gonna be Ms Nice TML!!

First of all, Selemat Hari Raya to my malay friends. Though I don't have that many but still it's still ya day.

So how did you spend the long precious weekend? Hope it was good and fulfilling. Sleeping till the late afternoon and just simply do nothing but laze around. Hmm... remind me of someone. Tian Ligen. Hell of a slacker!

Probably when you were still sleeping soundly and in lala land, I was preparing to head back to work. yea... that's how I spent my monday. At work. HK wasn't having holiday so I had to go back. If not I would really love to spend some time with the bf. Just cuddly and snuggling together. Lazing around at his place. He is such a dear. Despite sleeping so late last night and being tired, he would rather give up his morning sleep to drive me to work. Picking up breakfast from the 24-hr drive thru Mac at Cecil St. All so that I could just sleep that extra 30mins. I allow him to do so in exchange that he promise he'll sleep once he got back. But instead he went for breakfast with his parents. There goes his sleep. BUT! I can feel your EXTRA TLC! =)

At work I couldn't help but keep thinking about the things I could have done with him, if I wasn't at work authorising payments. At the same time, I was praying hard that we will not end late, in order to have dinner with him before he book in to camp. Thank God I was done at 6.30 and 7 bucks cab was all worthwhile. Just to catch hold of some time tgt and a tight hug before we leave the house and couldn't even hold his finger when he's with his uniform on.

I'm glad we spent the whole sunday afternoon together. From lunch to window shopping at Suntec and ION then to burger king for dinner and finally "The ugly truth". I enjoyed every single moment together. It has been a long time since we spent time like that together. I'm just too busy all the time that I've neglected him but he just understands though he always say "please". And I would give him a stare that disappoints him. So I guess and I'm sure, he love the time spent yesterday.

You know it's just so comforting to know that someone understand you so much that before you take a breathe to speak he already know what you want. Someone who can take your busy schedule. Gives small little surprises that you would have already guess his intention even before it happen. haha...

I'm tired but am smiling just by the thought of it. Making me a 1/4 awake despite my tired mind. And that silly boy bought my birthday present 'cause he's afraid that I might get the key pouch to pamper myself on my birthday.

I finish at around 9 again. Gosh i'm feeling so tired. Need some time to relax.

Planning for sat's outing. Hope the turn up is good!

Can't think of what to blog. Just plain tired.

ciaoz!

Basically weekend was... nothing much. To be exact. Wasted.

Didn't mange to spend much time with the bf for his weekend book out. Probably less than 12 hours for the 2 days.

But we manage to make it for breakfast on saturday morning. Mac's breakfast. It's been a long time since we woke up early and catch the morning sun. The smell of the fresh air and freedom. It's different as the ones on weekdays. You know what I mean. Anyways we headed to Daiso to get some stuff and it was time to head home to change. I had to go back to office. yea... Had to do some system testing for the Dubai market.

Totally wasted. I was there from 2-8pm. I could have done lots of things with 6 hours. Anyhow I rushed for the bf's friend's grandma's birthday celebration right after that. Nothing interesting happen. Headed over to his place with his parents while he had his night out with Clintson. Men's talk. They need it sometimes.

Resting day it's what I would call Sunday. Was lazing at his house after church and waited for dinner to come before sending him back to camp. Again. The part I always hated. And he's ever so sweet. Your sweets help to survive me through a stressful day at work. Thank you!

Nothing much. Work just felt like that today. Seriously!

Sleepy. Turning in soon. Ciaoz.

What's going on?

I got a little too emotional just now.

Don't know why. Anger was overtaking my senses. And then I started crying to let it all out. I raised my voice at him but he was still talking to me in the most gentle voice. I felt bad but am glad that I manage to control it there.

We had a good talk, though it was just 15mins or so. But it's just so precious. I miss the bf. When I need a hug from him so badly and I know he wants to give me that hug too. It's comforting enough. Weekdays are hard to go by, friday is what I'm looking forward to every week.

And work is missing the satisfaction part. I don't know where I'm heading to. After much thought, I've given myself a dateline. It's still long but I have yet to settle some things. Now it's not the right time.

I was talking to Wan Chien this afternoon. I was telling her, we're the minorities that bear with the unhappiness of our job for our age. People our age would have just quit and not think so much. Only those in their 40s will think twice. We are complaining and grumbling everyday. We talk abt taking that leap of faith. BUT! We are still where we are!

Zonked

Beautiful and joyous friday is here to say hello!!

What a week it has been for me. Working till almost 10 everyday and came in 30mins earlier to try and do some stuff. But couldn't manage to. Crazy week with lots of problems. My overlook to a certain payment has cause some disagreement. Should have been more careful while checking inputter's work. But my confidence for her got the better of me. And trouble is here knocking on the door. Make phone calls from melbourne to Wellington to HK, it's insane due to the time difference trying to catch hold of the people there before they knock off.

Anyways it's over. A mistake done is a lesson learn for life! Move on. Life goes on. The earth is still moving.

Totally zonked out. Each day pass and I'm just so tired. But everything is cleared. A better week will come!

The sleeping bug seems to be in the office today. I thought I was the only one but turn out few of my other colleagues felt the same too. I guess it's the weather. Rainy days... and mondays always gets me down. Sorry can't help it. Carpenters. Lovely!

So it's 8pm and am still in the office. Well waiting for the bf to call so that we can head out for a sinful meal together! Mac! and "G-force" with Alex and Vony!

Peeps! Have a great evening ahead! Mind is gonna blank out soon! Ciaoz!