I'm so sad!! So heart-broken!!! I can't believe that happen!! I can't believe that I actually did that!! I can't believe that I came out of Mango with only 1 top!!! When I wanted to buy 3 tops!!! Coz I've not enough bucks!!!! ARGH!!! SOB!!!! I had enough money to buy 2!! But I don't know why?! And I didn't buy my fav one!!! ARGH!!!!

I just pray hard it's there tml!! I've asked my sis to go down tml morning to get it for me!! Just hope it's still there!!! Don't you people take it away from me!!!

I'm tired? Woke up early today to rehearse for the sunday performance... somehow it's ok already... Hopefully...

Am stoning at home now... There's band bbq later... Hope it would be good!

Oh ya!! Christopher Cheong, my FO lecturer, called me this morning!! When I was still sleeping! Imagine the way I speak to him man!! Is he nuts or what?! 7 in the morning?! Crazy... Ok anyways that's not the issue! He called and asked for the reason why I didn't turn up for the first FO lesson... I told him that I was excused from class that day and I have already submitted the excuse letter!! I mean didn't they change the whole system?!! And he said he don't care, no matter what I do i must show him EVIDENCE!! When I can produce NO SHIT!! Thank God! I didn't delete the confirmation from the SAS... And I have already attended my 3rd lesson, and until now then he asked me to go for a make-up for the first lesson!! HELLO!! EFFICIENCY!!! It's like way long already!!! Whatever!! I'll just go for that damn lesson....

That was one of the thing that spoilt my mood even before I'm fully awake from my sleep... The second thing was that... Till today I wasn't able to get full attendance and the performance is on sunday... And that really pisses me off! Didn't I state it clearly that everybody must come? If there's a need for me to be more strict and be a bitch in everybody's eyes! Then i'll be one!!!

Everything is just shit now... I'm not in a good state recently... Little things pisses me off.. i'm losing my patience with people... And if things ain't going my way, i'll be pulling a long face...

Whatever it is... I just hope this period of time would go past faster... And for the time being... I really need to be alone...

Finally we are done with the composition for the sunday's performance at Zouk... Was a tiring day for everybody yesterday... But nevertheless... We came out with it... Hope it's gd!

Can't really rmb what I want to blog... But just one word... I'm emotionally not stable recently... I get agitated easily....

Finally!!

I finally found the sentence to describe what I've blog yesterday!!!

What's life?! Life is just a BITCH!!!

You can't but have to admit that I'm right... haha... ok probably not... It depends on you...

Band prac was rather ok today... Not too bad!! Oh!! Aunty Rose, my auntie's boss, bought durian cake for me!! Just for me!!! My auntie didn't get it!! haha... She just loves me!!! ;)

Lessons start at 8 tml... Darn! I'm not able to wake up man!! Wanted to do my CF tutorial but I'm too tired.... And It's simply too comfortable at home to do anything!!

SO!! I'm just gonna watch TV and lie on my bed!!

what did they say about fun and exciting poly life, it's the funniest period of your student life... IT'S JUST PURE SHIT!! CRAP!!! NONSENSE!!!

My poly life isn't fun at all!! I think it sucks... to the core! It's like one of the worse period of time in my life... And it never seems to get better... The amount of tears I shed since I enter SP was more than those I shed since the day I was sensible...

Everything just totally sucks... I'm beginning to hate my poly life and I really want it to end... Ok! Except for percussion! I seemed to be going to school for that reason, not for lesson... I drag going to school for lesson... If it won't for the attendance and money that I paid, I seriously won't be bothered to go back there...

Things and people are changing so fast and it's really scary... I know that people always change but!! It's far too much!! Why has it become like tat... I'm rather upset about the changes... But there's nothing much I can't do coz it's beyond my ability to change anything... So I'll just live my own life...

Anyways it's monday... So yup monday blues... I'm feelin abit unstable today... happy, angry, high, sad... Whatever it is... So long as my day ended happy!! Which it did!! Had rehearsal for the performance on Sunday... Hmm... It's at Zouk... Weird eh! It's in the afternoon... But I enjoy big time!! :)

It was a even better day yesterday... SHOPPING SPREE!!! YEAH!!! haha... Bought a number of stuff!! man! A pair of sandals($16), a skirt ($15) and a green t-shirt ($10)... Oh ya Giordano was having sales too... Bought a pair of 3/4 pants at $30 when it cost $43 at first... And a top for 1$13.10 which cost $19.00 at first... Hmm!! Satisfied!! :D

And now the problem is! I've 3 bags of new clothes that are yet to be washed!! I've a big laundry problem and I can never get enough of shopping!! I've a habit to not wash my new clothes once I reach home... I'll just leave them on my table and leaving it to tml... But the tml never seems to come!! I can leave them for days, weeks or even months!!! There was this once that I left my new skirts for abt 6 mths in the cupboard before washing them to wear it... :)

And this habit never seems to be able to leave me... And I'll also end up with lots of clothes to wash...

Hmm... Can't wait for the next shopping day!! I wanna buy more accessories and bags!!! haha... Though I have about 65 bags and more than 100 over accessories!!

Ok till then!! It's another school day tml!! BUT!! there's band tml!! haha...

OK! I woke up late today! As usual or not surprising at all like what Jerm says... School starts at 9 and I woke up at 9!! :D

Yes how wonderful... And I missed my first lecture... God! When am I gonna change this bad habit of mine... Lazing on my bed when it's time for school!!!

And the first lesson of the day was FO (Futures & Options)!! Right!! What a lesson to start the day with!! If you are freaking sleepy or bored!! This is the lesson to attend!!! It will wake you up instant... Coz lots of attention is needed and you really have to be fast!! And I mean real fast!!

For the first half we had some self practice among ouselves... like bid, offer, buy and sell... Buy low, sell high... Argh!! Really confusing! But thank God! I manage to learn it quite fast but it still takes time...

Then we had the whole class standing at the trading pit... Each of us was given a piece of paper to record down our buy and sell so at the end when the "market" closed... We'll see how much profit or loss we made...

And missing the first lesson! I felt so lost... holding on to the paper and didn't know what to do... when some of my classmates started shouting "1 at 90" or "85 on 1".... I'm still like 0_0

Thank God! Cia was standing beside me to guide me!! Thanx Cia!! Appreciate it!

I was standing there still trying to figure out what's going and realising that my paper is still empty... I started to worry! I didn't want my paper to be empty!! So I just started offering! And there you go! My first trade was with Hanyong, then Sir, Xiao hui and so on... And I made a profit of 62 blurly!!! I just kept buying and only sold once... Didn't really know what's going on but who cares! So long as I made a profit!! But gotta get it clear!!

Rather interesting lesson... But almost got a heart attack becoz of my lecturer!! Besides good views and judgement, be quick and fast!! You need to have a loud voice!!! You have to be a lion!! NOT A MOUSE!!! Imagine the real trading pit?! Who the hell will trade like how we did today... But well when we graduate from SP, there's no more open outcry... sad! :(

Had lessons from 11-3 straight... Kind of tired... But still it didn't stop me from going to band!! haha...

Band prac was ok... Did "Carmen Fantasy" and some other pieces... Didn't play much coz of my hand... I have to had it bandage up so that I can't feel the pain... and at the same time to remind myself that my hand is injured...

There are still lots of things that I've yet to settle... So it's time for reflection.... Till then!

Finally done with my new blogskin... put some photos up... More to come but I'm just lazy to do it now...

Me & My first love...

Photos for DAP2

Performers & Helpers together with Mr Tan & Ms Hope!!

Sharon & I

Me & My babe, Venassa!!

Me & My baby girl, Joanne!

The Percussion Ladies!! Ain't we just lovely!

Cindy Cai & I!! :P

Hugging like we've known each other for a long long time... (only know her that night of the concert) :)

So who says it takes a long long time to be close?!

Me & Faezah

Me and My sister, Ivan!

Me + my honey bee, PRISCA!!!

Ivy & I

Me & My les partner, Alicia!! I still love you as much as before!!

Thanx for coming peeps!!

I'm feeling emotional... that's all... about what? If you know me well, I appear transparent before you when you are reading this... If you don't, I won't even come into your mind cause it's filled with question marks...

the days are passing by qucikly... so fast that I can't catch up... things that happen yesterday has become part of my memory today...

And today I just realise that I'm still where I used to be... I thought I was following the days up ahead but I'm proven wrong... I'm proven wrong by what is going on my mind!! I prove myself wrong! I lost to myself!!! Darn!

So I have been running away... Or rather I don't wanna face it yet... Sometimes I really hope that my schedule would be like the past few weeks... Where I really get myself exhausted... Really tired out that I can think of no shit...

Ok! I forgot that it was father's day... Seriously! Not till vivian told me... And I'm feeling guilty... though in my family we don't usually celebrate... But I'm here to change it!

So I intend to make it up to my dad tml by giving him a treat and my mum too... So not tuition tml yet...

Just finished packing up the clothes that have been piling up for the past few weeks... But still my room is still messy but I'm just too tired to pack...

I'm tired... Not just physically... Mentally too... I need URBAN ESCAPE!!! I seriously need to get away from this place...

you never knew how I felt and till now I guess you don't know what's the feeling like... maybe you have not experience it but it's more than what I can bear... Each time I'm through a tiring period, I think of you... And the person I want to see the most is you... When I'm happy I wanna share with you... When I'm sad I wanna go to you... But I'm only left to imagine...

Finally! DAP2 has come to an end... It was a successful concert... Everything went smoothly! Nothing went wrong between the concert... From the video to the lightings... Everything went on just fine... And it was the greatest comfort for me after the past few weeks of planning and organising...

I Thank God for the wisdom and strength that He had given me... Or else things would not have go on well... It was tough handling both work and practices... And it caused my acne to got worse coz of insufficent rest... And now I've missed the first week of school... Lots of catching up to do as I'm really behind my classmates...

Alan, muru, Charlton and Venassa... Hope you guys like the photo frame that we did for you... We came down really early on friday just to do that... And hope you like the surprise video which we had a hard time getting all four of us together to do it...

All our efforts paid off yesterday night... Though there were mistakes here and there... but overall it's good... Had really good feedbacks from the floor... Especially from Ms Hope, Mr & Mrs Goh and Mrs Vera... They really enjoyed themselves! And for once they wasn't any bad comments back from Ms Hope... :D

Thanx everybody for making the concert a successful one... You guys were great!!

My camermans - Weiliang & Poh wah, My lightsmen - Zai, Kyle, Bernard and Xiao bai, My MCs - Xiao Bih & Daniel, my ticketing booth girls - Stella & Rebecca, My ushers - Jiawei, Yimei, Ivy & Kay Miang and my backstage crew - Christopher, Candice, Edmund, Denis, Shirley and Doreen.

THANX PEOPLE!! you guys were wonderful helpers!!

And also not forgetting Xiao Bih, Ayub and Cindy Cai!! helping us out in this concert...

Hope I didn't miss out anyone.. If I did, I'm sorry.. Scold me for all you want!

"Concert is over, Jocelyn. It's time to take a rest for your hand."

Yup, that's the first sentence to me when the concert was over... And I really need one... The pain is coming back and I can hardly bend my hands! So I have to stop playing for a month plus... Sianz...

Went to see Dr Eu just now regarding my acne... It's not really getting better...It's still red and inflame... And I finally know what is my problem! I'm too busy!! Too busy that I'm not resting well...

Though the concert is over, my busy schedule doesn't just stop here... It's time that I go back to my tutor position... Had to stop all tuition for 3 weeks becoz of this concert... So lots of catching up to do for them... All 3 of them are having their PSLE this year... And on top of that it's my final year and there's FYP... And I still have to catch up for all my modules... I really don't know if I can handle this... From Mon to Sat it's all taken up... No rest and coming home early...

And here's where stress takes over... I'm still high on drugs... So guess it's gonna take some time...

I've only attended 5 hours of lessons this week... And I'm not sure if I'm ready for this week which I'm gonna spend more hours attending lessons... Whether I'm ready or not? Has been the question today... I'm not sure either... Lots of thoughts running though my mind and I still feel the same as before...

Prentence? I'm sick of it already....

De Avanganda Percussians 2!!!

As the clock is ticking... The big moment is approaching...

Just 19 more hours!! The SP percussion group would shake the whole SP!!! hahaha... Just kidding! De Avanganda Percussians 2 is going make the SP auditorium happening!!!

All our hardwork will be seen tml... And I'm sort of happy that it's coming to an end soon... It's been taking up most of my time... It's the first week of school for me but it seems like school hasn't really start for me yet... From mon to thurs... I have only attended like 5 hours of lessons? Yes... this whole week... And tml I'm gonna miss lessons again... well, a price have to be paid... After this, it's time to be a hardworking student again...

Whether my efforts are wasted or not, depends on the success of tml's concert...

And I really hope everything would go on just fine... And smooth...

Gotta finished packing my stuff and turn in early... It's a long day tml!

Honesty...

Ok the week was totally sucky... Serious! I was looking forward for ITP to be over... Yes now it's over... But my heart still feels heavy...

I'm really bothered by alot of things and I really don't know who to turn to... Or get the right answer from... Or the comfort... I'm really stressed up...

I really wanna give up the position as the SL... I used to look forward to it but it seems that I'm proven that I'm not capable of anything... I just screw things up...

And as close friends, ain't we suppose to be honest with each other? Then why is it like that?

Venassa I know that entry is for me... I knew that you will pissed with me once I saw your msn nick... I didn't knew about that entry till I found out from someone... It doesn't matters who... But why can't you just come to me and tell me... When I read that entry I was pissed and even more upset... And that proves to me further that I'm incapable of being the SL... and why is it that you didn't bother to find out from me and assume?

you won't the only one that didn't turn up that day... And the overnight practice was only decided on the night when I msg you guys... Yes it was vocied out few months ago but we had MD to deal with... we had exams... And we did increase the number of practices after that didn't we?


I send that msg out coz I was really worried about ticket sales and putting up a good performance... isn't that what as a section leader I'm suppose to do? Even as a member...

I don't know why you will think in that way... But it seems like you don't even give me a chance to explain anything.... when it's not the truth...

And it seems like I'm the bitch to everybody... I don't wanna carry on... That entry really demoralise me alot... I'm pissed when I read it but the pain that is given is much more than that...

I don't want things to turn out the way it did with your other friends... when we had just started to builg a closer relationship...

Last day of ITP

Well! ITP IS OFFICIALLY OVER!! FINALLY!!! A long wait! Just can't bear to leave coz of the people there... Gonna miss them!

Took photos with some of them and I've got pressies from my colleagues too! hehe... it adds on to my accessories collection! :D

Ohya!! Andrew!! I totally agree with you!! And I really do! He's crap... I talk to him today... He's just crap... I'm so glad it's the last day... It's just terrible! AH!

I'm so freaking tired... I wanted to take a break during the weekend before school starts but here's comes the camp that screws everything up! DARNZ!

It's just so tight up inside me and I feel like breaking down...

Right! I'm just wanna hide myself at one corner now...

my last time?

RIGHT!!! It's 10 more days to the concert and now SHIT HAPPENS!!! YES!! NOW! Right at this crucial time!!! Darnz...

My ligament is swollen and so are my tissues ( I think that's what the doc said)... Overall, it's joint sprain! And I told him I'm in percussion and he said he will give me medicine which will take a week to recover... He told me to rest too!! probably A MONTH!!! YES A MONTH!!! When my concert is just NEXT WEEK!!! Which I can't!!!

Why does it have to happen at this time?! What am I to do? Take a break then what am I to do about my parts... If I don't it might get worse...

Well I've decided to play for the concert and only take a rest after the concert... Just hope that it's not my last concert....

For now till next week, I'll just pray hard that everything will go just fine... And that God will watch over me... I realise how vulnerable humans are...

why is it when things are just getting better for me... Shit has to happen... It's always like that... Always the case... I'll Just try to pull through this period first...

Doubt

Since morning, I had this not so good feeling...I was feeling restless and it's as if I've got up from the wrong side of the bed...

I don't know what's with me... And I'm beginning to doubt myself... Shit just happens sometimes...

Things just won't going on well... I don't know how to say how I feel and I didn't feel like telling anyone what's bothering me... I'm sorry peeps! Esp Shunli and Andrew... Sorry for the gangster face in the office... Didn't mean it... But thanx for asking... :D

Anyways collected my wallet at Raffles city Esprit which I reserved yesterday... Finally bought it after considering for like 6 months... That's me! Hmm... Since like there's lots of things which I wanted to do since last year and fulfil them because of ITP... :D

Finally got my second ear hole! Which I thought for more than a year.... Coz I'm scared of pain... it was a sudden decision that shocked quite a number of people... And with some of their "Finally"! The reason given is because I was so stressed over work... And at that moment I really wanted to pierce them... But all thanx to the stress, if not I won't have my second ear hole.. :D

okie dokie... My bed it calling me! Need some rest... And there's sectionals tml...

Let's not talk about work... coz it's just the same everyday... talk about what I did after work today!! I did something different!! Finally... Not sectionals, not band and definitely not tuition!

I went shopping!! haha... After work, headed to "Golden Shoe" with Shunli for dinner... and headed to Bugis to get a gift... It's my last time seeing Asiah tml coz she's going on leave before my last week of ITP... Man! I'm gonna miss her! Wrote her a card and after walking around finally got her a pressie! :D

Hope i won't cry tml after passing it to her... Finally bought a wallet! From Espirit... Well I had it reserved at Raffles City coz it's the last piece at Bugis... Finally bought it! After looking around for about a year!

Anyways took a train home from Bugis and I was observing people on the train and realise that what people can do to just get a seat... I boarded the train at Bugis and got a seat for myself... I first saw a seat that was dirty and so I sat next to it... It's a normal reaction... As I was sitting there, I notice that lots of people headed to that empty seat but once they see that it was dirty... They just looked away...

then came this lady... She walked towards and when she saw it was dirty... As usual normal people reaction... thought that she would just remain standing... But she took out a tissue clean that thing away... But it was kind of sticky and it's difficult to remove... And guess what she did... she open up her tissue and cover that part and got her seat... :) smart eh!

The next stop the seat beside her was empty... So! Of coz she moved! And took her tissue up... Then came a guy with formal wear... He saw it too... Hesitate for awhile and he sat down... but he only had 1/4 of his butt on it... And he continue reading his newspaper... And his next action, just couldn't make me stop laughing... He was reading Business times... And after finishing the first page... He took it out... fold it into four and put it under his butt... And there you go he got his seat...

Haha... really can't imagine the different kinds of ideas people come up with... It's rather interesting... Don't know why I just can't stop smiling when I see them doing this...

And you know what! The next smart step is... When the person next to you alights, you move to the seat and see what smart ideas can the next person come up with... If I had not alight at Tiong Bahru... I might see even more different kinds of ideas...

Probably you guys can try that... Provided the seat is dirty... And see how interesting humans are...

For now! It's bedtime!!

a wonderful but yet not so wonderful day...

I manage to rest well today... Slept till abt 12... Headed to see a doc, then went to school for sectionals...

Ok... Things didn't go well as I thought it would... Shit happens! But well I'm just gonna pray hard... And hope everything goes on just fine...

I'm a mouse...

I'm so freaking tired!! I wanna sleep! But i just took my dinner! Darnz! Am gonna put on weight like tat and it's bad for health!

Ok... It's the first band prac today and we have four year ones with us... 3 guys and a girl... Hmm... shan't comment here about them... Just keep my views to myself... And it's the first day that I'm officially the SL but I'm not ready... I felt kind of confused and in a whirl... I realise that I have lots more to learn as a SL... And I'm thinking once again... I'm tying hard to take that thinking away but it's hard...

Well it's only the first day! I believe I can do it... Hopefully!

Band prac was... HORRIBLE! The worst I ever heard I guess... It was terrible... well it's the first prac and we are side reading some pieces... So don't expect much...

And ya I'm a mouse... Just like it, I walk away quietly and disappear... I don't have the guts to face it! I'm still not brave enough or strong enough... All I did was to hide... My heart is longing for it... But I don't know what to do... If I had went up, what will happen? Will we say hi? Or even exchange a smile?

This is stupid man... It's not an issue, never was it... Probably it's just me...

Ok I've change my tagboard... Some of my frens had prob tagging so gotta change it... Anyways, andrew try tagging... See if it works... If not it's not the tagboard... But somehow you make me feel that it's the tagboard... not u... :D

Confused?

Work wasn't busy today... It was kind of relax... I finished my work at about 5 and even had time to talk on the phone and crap with Andrew... Yup we were talking openly in the office... Who cares! We finished our work didn't we?

And It's rare that I've nothing to do and finished at 5... Usually at 5, I would be in the photocopying room getting ready to do Forex batching... With lots of people interrupting in between that delays my work... DARN! But well I made all my friends there... haha... it's the best place to know people from other department! :D I made quite a few....

The reason for such a relax day is because it's a public holiday right over at US... So no US currency today... But!! It means lots of work tml!!! And everything goes back again... SIAN!

After work went back to school for sectionals... Not bad! We work quite abit! went through almost every piece for the concert... Lots to work on for me...

It's the first day of school for every peoople in SP today... But not me! I'm still having my ITP!!! Which ends NEXT WEEK!!! MAN! It seems long! It is long! Especially with... *eHeM*

Once again the school is liven up again... With all the students... And CCAs going on... And suddenly I'm not used to it... Been going back during the holidays and there's hardly a single soul there.... But now it's filled with people... And today I had a different feeling when I'm back there...

I felt so scared... The fear in my heart... I know what it is and where it comes from... I didn't wanna say it out coz... Probably I don't wanna face it...

Each time I go up to the washroom... I'm scared... Why is there this fear in me? It's nothing... Isn't it? I'm there in the bandroom... But my heart and soul is not there... Where is it? I'm not sure if everything is written on my face... I'm not sure if they could see it....

My mind is so full of my thoughts... And I'm trying hard to control it... Keep my eyes away and heart to where I am... But I kind of failed I guess.... There's still band tml... And I think I will still feel the same way...

Anyway is the first band prac when school reopens... Just hope I can interact well with the freshmen... :D

The week was just tired... As usual I lack of sleep... :D my "long lost pal"!

Went for a workshop at victory family center yesterday, after which headed home to rest... But still I didn't manage to rest well...

Headed to Sim Lim square just now to hunt for MP3 players... well had my eye on one of them... so now i'm persuading someone to sponsor me! haha... that's my mum... just part of it... :D

bought a pillow and 2 tops... It's cheap... Talking abt that the Great Singapore Sales is here... But I doubt I have the time... And when I have the time, it's weekends! And I totally hate crowds!!! well, let's not talk abt crowd first... I have to look for time... And be Ivan's fashion consultant! Sis! you got to thank me man! :)

Boring! There's work tml!! SIAN! And it means I have to see Maggie! Listen to her nag!! Man! I can't take it!! The thought of it makes me...... ARGH!!! Ok let's not talk about her... It ruins my mood...

Hmm... been wondering since just now... why is it that the person who brought happiness into your life, is also the one that takes it away? The one that took the fear and also the one that brings the fear back... The one that turns the smiles to tears... And causing you to bleed and standing alone...

I don't know if I'm moving on or still standing there... Though I'm smiling, laughing, crapping and enjoying every moment spent with my dear ones... I'm not too sure if I'm slowly getting over it or not... Coz I still think of the past and I realise the pain still comes back... Just like a nail piercing through my heart... It was then that I knew that I've never got out of that shit hole before... It was one-sided, never both sides... So I was the one that actually brought the pain into my life myself...

The decision to guard my heart makes me proud of myself! *wInK*

I'm really glad I'm doing this... I realise how hard it is, and how much courage it took to do so...

CHEERS! I'm off to my dreamland!

smart ass or a fool?

seriously am I smart or just a fool? I really don't know... I never look at the bright side of life before and now it's worse...

Is my life really that sad?! Or do I have the words "come hurt me or cheat me" written on my forehead?!

AH! Heck... No self pity!! Don't engage in self pity! It's the worse thing ever!!

Watever it is get lost if you wanna screw my life... Coz I'm not gonna let u do it...

Caught in the middle...

What should I do? I really don't know.... There are some things that I wanna blog and say... But I can't.... If I will to, things would change... And I meant almost everything! The changes that I hate to see and don't want it to happen...

I really don't know what to do... I'm caught in the middle... the kind of feeling that you know everything but can't say it out due to certain circumstances is totally sucky... my heart is getting heavier and it adds on to my burden...

To blog or not? To say or not?

I can't decide... Therefore thou shall keep it to myself for this moment...

Work is getting more busy nowadays... I'm dead beat... All my brain cells are dead! ok not exactly... At least being busy is better than not doing anything... At least I don't have to help client's closed account the whole day! LOL!! :P

Supposed to go jogging with meiying but well too tired... And meiying didn't want too... So both of us were kind of lazy... But after a day's work I doubt I have the energy to jog...

Haiz... Where's the life that I called life?! Hmm... It seem so far away... Or just like andrew said... sad huh!

It's gonna be a busy week... I open my organiser and I forgot that I'm meeting Marilyn to kayak this sunday... So that means I've got to re-schedule my tuitions... :'(

Or is it good that my schedule is packed? So that I don't think of the unnecessary things...

Yes life is short... you don't know what's going to happen to you the next moment.... Or to your loved ones beside you... So cherish them for as long as you can, don't wait till you lose the chance... By that time it would be too late...

And time passes very fast... so instead of running after time, why not let time run after you?

To my dear Raf, don't worry k! Don't be afraid to close your eyes! You need to rest, it's important! Never mind about those weird dreams you have when you close your eyes... Just know that when you open your eyes, I'll stand by you... Cherish every moment, you don't need me to say much about this coz you know better than me... Just remember I'll always be there for you...

A good sleep! erm... Probably not! I've woke up in between many times! Too many times.. But at least I've rested well! :D

Oh yeah... Finally I'm learning singing the proper and correct way! I guess lots of brushing up to do... Still waiting for my cousin to get back to me... Hmm... Can't wait man! My cousin's fren learns from a Jazz singer! Man! Thinking what I'm thinking? Then I think you've got to have your own thinking! Coz I don't know what I'm thinking at all... :)

Just can't wait...

A day well "spent"...

YEAH!!! IT'S A PUBLIC HOLIDAY TML!!! NO WORK! NO SECTIONALS!! MEANS NO EARLY MORNINGS!!! WAHAHHAHA..... it means this week would be shorter!! :D

OK! It's a sunday... I was almost late for church coz I thought it was a saturday and I simply off my alarm when it went off... Thank God I woke up in time... *pHeW*

After church headed down to my cousin's house, Liping, for house dedication... Coz she and her husband just bought their new house... Well not a bad place... they live on the 12th floor with great view... Definitely a place for those lazy afternoons, when all you wanna do is just SLACK AT HOME! It's quiet... And I can definitely do my quiet time there.... No problem if it's the whole afternoon... :D

After which headed down to town with Meiying... And now this is where my well "spent" day comes in... I went for a shopping spree!! Shopping always never fails to cheer me up man! It's been a long long time since I last shop... I bought 2 books, 3 tops, a pair of heels and 2 pair of socks... Yup I guess that's all... I don't know how much I spent and I don't want to know! All I know is that my biggest debtor now is my sister, meiying! So you better pay me back soon!! haha... Nah no rush! So long as u return me one short instead of one at a time... Pls don't man! It would not go into my bank ever again!

Well suppose to go look for Mp3 player but seems like we side track... We went far off... Talking about Mp3 players... I'm still on the search... Any recommendation guys? My budget is between 100+ - 200...

Time now is 11:51pm... My mind is dead already... Ain't thinking straight anymore... So I'm off to my dreamland soon... Oh probably do some reading first!

Till then, good night peeps!

Through it all
You are forever in my life
You see me through the seasons
Cover me with Your hand
And lead me in Your righteousness

And I look to You
And I wait on You

I'll sing to You Lord
A hymn of Love
For Your faithfulness to me
I'm carried in everlasting arms
You'll never let me go
Through it all

Nice song... But I don't know what took me so long to realise it existence till it came to find me... A song that really reminds me that God will see me through it all and it also expresses what i wanna say to God...

"Jocelyn, have you ever thought of putting this relationship down and consider someone else?"

Someone asked me... It's not the first time that I'm being asked this question... And each time when I'm being asked, I never fail to give the same answer... "I don't know"... would be it...

Cause I seriously don't know... I can't give an answer coz I don't even have the answer myself... And sometimes I would start to question myself... And I realise how unwilling I am to let go coz I'm still hoping for miracle... It's the memories that I can't forget...

Today it's the first time that I open myself up in front of them and letting them know what has been happening for the past few months... I guess they knew about it but just waiting for me to say it out...

Tears have been my food day and night for the past few months... And I started to question God when things happen... Why did He bring this person into my life and take it away suddenly? Why did He forsake me? Where were You when I needed someone so badly? Why ain't You answering my prayer? I felt so lonely and helpless at that time... And death came across my mind several times... Scary huh?! Or rather dumb I should say... It was seriously the darkest time of my life... I lost all my directions and what's ahead of me was just uncertainity...

But it never took Him too long... Or rather He was always there, just waiting for me to confess out how I really feel... It was only when I started to confess my real feelings to Him that He answered me... I begin to realise that He makes me go through this for a reason... I could see the purpose of it all from God's standpoint and I praise Him! People who have been broken become better and more effective Christains... My daily bread guides me through alot during that preiod of time and I'm closer to Him now... I may not be leading a Godly life but am trying hard to do so...

If you want an answer to that question, the answer is no... not yet... I just realise it today... Coz I was sharing with them and it was in my mind on the way home... I couldn't stop thinking and I realise I have yet to let go... Coz everything seems to just happen yesterday... It can't be erase...

I've lost the old me... Probably stronger... But I know that He will see me through all things... I've put my trust in Him and the day when I found the old me back would be the day that He handed the key to the person to unlock my heart and once again believe in love and curl up like a baby in that person's arms whom I rightfully belong to... I'm not sure how long it would take, I'll just wait patiently...

Finally the weekend is here once again... But I'm still not able to stay home to rest... My schedule is packed once again... Darnz!

Work was terrible man! I'm really stress out by Maggie... Oh man! Give me a break, won't ya?!

Remember I ever said that it's alright that I'm paid nuts so long as I learn things... Yes! I still believe so... But it's way too much... if you were to ask me how was work? I can tell you it's shitty! How many mistakes and blunders I've made? It's countless... Too busy till I lost count of it... And it makes me feel lousy... *sIgH*

There's 3 more weeks left, and that's fast... But I'm still hoping that it would end soon... I hate the kind of feeling that I've to wake up early knowing that lots of work are waiting for me! It sucks! Totally! How many times that I woke up in the morning feeling restless and wanting to cry... Probably it might seems stupid to you that I cry but if you have a schedule like mine... I don't know how you will cope with...

There's sectionals tml morning at 9... There goes my time to sleep... but being able to meet up with the percussionists is what I'm looking forward to! Can't wait to crap with you guys and play too!! hehe.. Let's enjoy tml!!

Joanne... Once again thanx for the mail! Indeed the song "behind these hazel eyes" are exactly how I feel... Every single sentence describes how I really feel... So strong on the outside but so broken inside...

I thought I could cover it up with my smiles and laughter now but I guess I can't hide anything from you guys! I'm still not over it and not too sure when I can put this down... the trust was taken away, I don't know where is it now... And I don't know where to search for it... I never believe so and this proves me right even more... I've lose it... The faith and belief that once again existed because of you... Is no where to be seen...

But I'm glad to have you guys! After all, you guys were the one that supported me when I thought I was getting a little stronger but was actually the weakest of all...

I don't know since when did we go further than that... But you guys are becoming more important in my life... PLaying a bigger role... Just hope that this relationship would last more than forever... But unfortunately we can't... So let's just cherish it for as long as we live! :)

I received a mail from Joanne two nights ago... and it left me crying... She was listening to some music and she felt that this song sounded how I probably feel like...

Behind These Hazel Eyes
by Kelly Clarkson

Seems like just yesterday, you were a part of me
I used to stand so tall, I used to be so strong
Your arms around me tight, everything it felt so right
Unbreakable, like nothing could go wrong

Now I can't breathe, no I can't sleep
I'm barely hanging on

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces, can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

I told you everything, opened up and let you in
You made me feel alright, for once in my life
Now all that's left of me is what I pretend to be
So together, but so broken up inside

Cause I can't breathe, no I can't sleep
I'm barely hanging on

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces, can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

Swallow me, then spit me out
For hating you, I blame myself
Seeing you, it kills me now
No, I don't cry on the outside anymore
Anymore

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces, can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces, can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

But later on she dedicated this song to me...

Security
by Joss Stone

A loss that would have thrown
A hole through anybody's soul
And you were only human after all
So don't hold back the tears my dear
Release them so your eyes can clear
I know that you will rise again
But you gotta let them fall
I wish that I could snap my fin

I received a mail from Joanne two nights ago... and it left me crying... She was listening to some music and she felt that this song sounded how I probably feel like...

Behind These Hazel Eyes
by Kelly Clarkson

Seems like just yesterday, you were a part of me
I used to stand so tall, I used to be so strong
Your arms around me tight, everything it felt so right
Unbreakable, like nothing could go wrong

Now I can't breathe, no I can't sleep
I'm barely hanging on

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces, can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

I told you everything, opened up and let you in
You made me feel alright, for once in my life
Now all that's left of me is what I pretend to be
So together, but so broken up inside

Cause I can't breathe, no I can't sleep
I'm barely hanging on

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces, can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

Swallow me, then spit me out
For hating you, I blame myself
Seeing you, it kills me now
No, I don't cry on the outside anymore
Anymore

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces, can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces, can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

But later on she dedicated this song to me...

Security
by Joss Stone

A loss that would have thrown
A hole through anybody's soul
And you were only human after all
So don't hold back the tears my dear
Release them so your eyes can clear
I know that you will rise again
But you gotta let them fall
I wish that I could snap my fingers
Erase the past but no
You cannot rewind reality
Once the tape's unrolled

Chorus:
If your spirit's broken and you can't bear the pain
I will help you put the pieces back
A little more each day
And if your heart is locked and you can't find the key
Lay your head upon my shoulder
I'll set you free
I'll be your security

A moment of despair
That forces you to say that life's unfair
It makes you scared of what tomorrow may bring
But don't go giving into fear
Stop hiding all alone in there
The show keeps going on and on
But you'll miss the whole damn thing
I wish I had a crystal ball to see what the future holds
But we don't know how the story ends till it's all been told

Chorus

On any clock upon the wall
The time is always now
So baby kiss the past goodbye
Don't let the future blow your mind
Just sit back and chill
Take things as they come
You can't be afraid
To live for today
I will be with you each step of the way

Thanx girl! I guess I can't hide it from anyone of you... you guys simply see through me! oh my! I feel so naked in front of you guys! haha... :P

UpdatezZzZzzzzzzz............

My apologies peeps! It's been a long time since I've blog, almost a week I guess... So now I'm here to update about the events that happen in my life recently...

Saturday (14/5)
Well it's one day before the big day... Had to go back for sectionals, one o'clock samba was what we did only... And I headed for tuiton... and down to Siglap after that to see Dr Eu but! He was not there! DAMN!! A waste trip!! Well had to see coz my acnes are back!! FREAK MAN!! It's serious! Hell serious!

Sunday (15/5)
It's the big day!! haha... It's Musical Delights 28!! Had to reach school at 9, to prepare... Coz we need to move instruments! Man! It's tiring! Thanx to those who help to carry the percussion instruments on to the lorry! Was the only girl up there helping and one of the photographer took a pathetic picture of me... Prespiring like hell! It was a hot day...

Just when we thought everything went well, SHIT HAPPENS!!! While doing sound check.. I realise that we forgot to bring the whip! And it's gonna sound weird without it for "Spartacus"! So I have to go all the way back to school just to get it... Thank God Joanne went back with me! Thanx alot girl! Sorry to make you have dinner on the cab...

But I think it was of great help to a number of people... If we haven't went back, Weilun would probably had to buy a new pair of shoes to perform or probably wear socks only?! haha... Who the hell could he forget to bring his shoes?! hmm... I wonder... We wouldn't be able to get the invitation cards for Cindy... Guess it was a trip worth the money?

Once we reach VCH, we headed to our rooms to get our gown and off we go to change... It was already 4.45pm when we reached and we had to be on stage by 5.15 I guess... The concert starts at 5.30pm....

As usual before the concert, we did our tradition... That is to pray... No matter what religion or race we are... It's the percussion unity that counts here...

Response was rather bad for the first piece coz everybody was late... But overall it was alright... Circle seats were FULL!! Some even had to sit on the stairs!

As for me in particular, I guess there was no tension at all... Though I screw up abit here and there but there's still more room to improve... This is the first time that I didn't cry in the process of preparing a concert... i guess it's because I didn't have any mallet parts! Well I did cry once but it wasn't exactly band... But it was band that suddenly this voice came into my head... "If there's anything just come up and look for me"

I cried coz I know it's never possible again...

OK! anyways! All those we came for the concert! Thank you so much! Hope you guys enjoyed! And also to Faezah and Ivy! Thanx for helping out as ushers!

Headed to Holland V with some of the percussionists for dinner then home!! Coz there's work the next day! total crap!!

Basically from Mon to Wed, it's work and tuition... I've been rather busy... I reach office at 8.30... And before I could even start warming up the chair, I have to go to the photocopying room to collect report... Then do CPF trades... Work and work the whole day.... 8.30 to 6... Lunch time is only my break... Though It's busy, but it's good exposure! :)

Went to see Dr Eu on wed... It's becoz of my acne... It's getting serious! The reason is because I've not been getting enough rest... 8.30 - 6 work... after that I've still got tuition.... And for the past few weeks there is band... So it accumulates! Not suddenly! Told Dr Eu my schedule, he was frowning... It seems to be telling me that he is trying to find time for me to rest but can't seems to find any... haha...

"Jocelyn, you are like holding 2 jobs. So why not take a 20mins break before your lunch."

I guess I was right... :) Each time I go back to see him regarding my face, I would feel at ease! I like the way he talks, he smiles and the way he frowns... haha!!! :)

FINALLY!!! MD is over!!! But still there's no break for the percussionist! Coz the next upcoming percussion concert is the main focus now!!! So guys! Let's work hard k!

AND DAMN!! I left my pimple gel at vch!! which I just bought ytd from the clinic!!1 It cost 37 bucks!!! OUCH!!!! It went with me to VCH! But it didn't came back!! DAMN IT!!! I feel that pain man!!!

ok more updates tml... I'm feeling tired... Knocking off ANYTIME!

I'm tired... Really tired... The concert is this sunday, but I can say I'm not really prepared... I'm really worried...

Reached home at 12... Coz was practicing in the bandroom... I'm really worried for that part! I totally have no confidence in playing that part yet I chose that part... I didn't wanna cry coz i didn't felt like it...

Was walking home with Jerm but half way his dad came so she boarded the cab... While I slowly make my way home... Walking and thinking of lots of things... the percussion ensemble and the mallet part...

"If next time you need someone, just come look for me. Share it with me."

This was the sentence that came to me... But it has become part of memories, it can no longer come true... This is the time when I needed that support and shoulder but it's no where to be found... All of a sudden I just remember... Coz you said so...

Everytime when I feel the stress coming from preparing a concert, I would always think of you... The msg that you sent to me just for that small little performance in school... Though I've deleted that msg but it's never deleted from my memories... I can remember exactly what it says... :)

Well... There's nothing I can say coz I don't know what I wanna say... I've not had my dinner and I've not been sleeping well... SO I'M ENDING HERE!!

Sleep and rest...

Yes I need this two things so badly... I've not been resting well... Not getting enough sleep... It's only wednesday... But at the start of the week I'm already worn out...

Coz all my tiredness accumulated since last week? Probably earlier than that...

I've been running from work to band or tuiton... I can't take it anymore! It's so tiring!! I don't know know when I'll break down...

Just like some relunctant kid who doesn't wants to go to school in the morning... Sometimes I feel like crying when I wake up in the morning... I really don't feel like going for work... I am not looking forward to it at all!! I just wanna rest!

The concert is this sunday... I'm already feeling the tension... Just waiting to see myself breakdown... Either thurs or friday.. I don't know...

Once again the pre-concert symptoms is coming back again... The fear, the stress, the tension, those tears that is able to fill most of my memories of my poly life in SP...

And at this time, my students' exams has to come in to make it worse... Just glad that 2 of my student exams are gonna be over tml... Well Nini's one is next week... And though the concert is this sunday... There's not rest for the percussion! Coz the percussion concert is coming!

So my pack schedule is gonna stretch all the way till school re-open!! Plus my students are preparing for PSLE!! haiz...

Till then peeps! Take care!

It's a sunday... A day for an early Mother's day celebration... Everybody is out celebrating Mother's day... But I'm not coz I didn't had the chance to... :(

I was busy with my schedule the whole week and today is suppose to be a Sabbath day... But straight after church I had 3 tuitions... My students are having exams... And I have to rush from one place to another...

Didn't manage to have dinner with her... Partly because she was sick too! Didn't mange to talk to her much too... Coz when I came home it was already 9+... I just feel so sad, not celebrating with her...

I've not get her a gift which I don't intend to... Coz it's kind of useless... So the only thing is to bring her out to eat... But well, everyday is mother's day if we cherish our mums...

Since it's mother's day today, I've a question to ask... Have you guys said "I love you" to your mum before?

If not! Do it today! Don't feel shy! There's nothing to be shy about! Don't wait till it's too late and you will never get the chance to! A simple "I miss you" and "I love you" would brighten up her day and defintely yours! And it's the most wonderful words ever! Coz it's said with real feelings, feelings from the bottom of your heart...

Talking about mother's day, I thought of someone... This person has never left my heart... It's been 3 years but it feels like everything just happen yesterday... I still remember the time that we spent together... The jokes, the fun, quarrels and tears... And definitely the love that you have shower me with for the past 16 years, I will never forget... Though I've make you angry at times but you still love me... You never make me feel that I was alone or abandon... Coz you adore me so much that even when you will terribly sick I was the only one that you remembered so clearly... Grandma I miss you! Thank you for your love! And Happy mother's day! Though you are no longer around but you are in my heart forever... I never felt that you have left... And I know you are happy back at a peaceful place which one day I will be there too...

Just hope that all of you had a wonderful mother's day celebration... But don't just make it today! Make mother's day happen everyday... Coz if not for them, we won't be here...

A million thanks is still not enough...

Today's was the percussion performance at Toa Payoh... It was by the same organisation... "The stage is yours"

But this time it's different... Coz those groups who perform today were selected... The best of the stage is yours! And I'm proud to say that "De Avaganda Percussians" is one of them!! haha... We got a $100 vouchers... ;) We rock!! haha...

Anyway! Good job guys!! I think we did well!! Could see that we really did bring it on!! Th audience did enjoy and so did we!! We were really high!

And ya! Thanx Fendi! You gave us a surprise when I saw you sitting there watching us.. Thanx man! Taking time to come down no matter how far it is! You're the sweetest man!

After the performance, the guys took the instruments back to school and the girls headed to town first... and then we met up for dinner... Had beef noodles~ ! Yummy~

All of us intended to go home but last minute we went down to Esplande... Sorry Ven! It was a last minute decision... only when you and renee left...

Found a spot to sit and had a great talk with muru,charlton,raf,Joanne and Jerm... Update them about my life... And thanx for all the adivse people! I appreciate it... I know you guys are not willing to see me make this decision, coz it's not worth... I'm not back to my ususal self and I have change...

To muru: Thanx for what you have said... It did get into me, but it's just that it came after I've made the decision... Sorry to waste all your saliva and effort... And I know that you always be there to lend a listening ear...

To Raf: You've been great, sweetie! I'll try to smile always! Thanx for being there when I needed someone... And I love you! As a brother and a friend...

To Charlton: Yup... Didn't actually know that you know what happen in my life... Am really shock... But nevertheless Thank you so much...

To Joanne: You are a wonderful girl! Serious! I remember the times when I wanted to cry... You would cool me down by putting a bottle on my face... Be there for me... Lend me your shoulder... Appreciate it...

To Jermaine: Hey! I'm really sorry! I didn't know that my state of depression brought you so much anger and disappointment... Probably I did, but at that time i really couldn't get myself out of it... Though today I've yet to recover and let go... But I won't be the way I am now... I might still be in the state I am previously... I wanna Thank you for being so honest to me! Trying all means to wake me up... I've made my decision and I hope you would give me the support...

Thank you for all the assurace that you guys have gave me tonight! That I'm able to manage the section well! Thank you for believing in me and choosing me... Though as compared to you guys, I don't have a strong foundation in playing percussion... And I'll do my best as a section leader... :)

To all of you! No words can express how much you guys mean to me... I Thank God for all of you, and If I'll to die today... I'm happy that I've live... Coz you guys came into my life... Though I've lost the me before and I don't know how to get it back... I still love you guys! And that's not gonna change... And ya! United we stand!

My horoscope... today's forecast...

You've been given some wonderful gifts -- tact and diplomacy, for starters. Use those talents to get at the heart of the matter. No matter how touchy the situation is, you'll manage.

there's more...

The Bottom Line
You're like a magnet, so go ahead -- own the room. Expect star treatment.

In Detail
If there's anyone who can talk their way in or out of any set of circumstances, it's you. That talent, along with your natural charm, has helped you to find your way through more than one tough situation. You're about to add one more success to that list. Someone you love has been living in a fog for some time now, but you can tell they're not happy about it -- and you're not willing to let them keep doing it. Well, get busy.

can i?

A special friend...

Suddenly I don't know how to start... I don't know what to say... There's so many things on my mind but there is only one thing that is bothering me... The one and only significant issue for the day...

I have to come out with the mc script for the MD percussion ensemble... But I can basically think of nothing... And the script is so sucky!!! I don't know what I'm writing, and it's freaking bad!

My feelings are beyond description, for now the only word would be worried...

Yes I'm worried... But not for the outdoor performance at Toa Payoh central... Coz I know we will do just fine! I have faith in all of you! Or rather all of us! People would enjoy and so will we!

Neither am I worried about the talk tml morning or my pack schedule for the coming week... Coz I've been through so many busy weeks and I know how to deal with it...

I know that all these are under my control... I know what's going on and I know how to handle it...

But there's something I know yet not able to do anything about it... It doesn't concerns me but it concerns someone who is important to me...

It came so sudden and I'm shock... But all those were just for awhile... I'm more worried and upset... Worried for you... And upset that I don't know how you feel and that I can no longer ask you directly...

Are you sad? Are you demoralised? Are you thinking why? Are you somewhere trying to vent it out?

I want to know! I want to know so badly!

Can you tell me... or rather I should say will you tell me? Tell me how you feel...

I want to be there for you, give a listening ear and share whatever feeling you are having and the shitty stuff that you are experiencing...

I know I can't... And never can I... Probably you are not feeling the way that I've said... Or probably you have found someone else... But I'm still here and I'll always be... do you know that?

I'm always ready to listen to what you say... I've always been waiting by my phone for your call or waiting for your msg... Even though each time when the phone rings or when I receive a msg, it's not you... I am still waiting for a miracle...

Call me silly... call me dumb or stupid for all you want...

I don't give a damn! Coz it's my right to care for a friend... that mean so much to me... I don't know as a friend how much I worth to you... you have your own rights to choose the friends that you feel are important to you... and I have no say... But I would still care for you the way I did before, even if I worth nothing...

Without fail, I would say a prayer for you almost every night before I go to sleep... Praying that this friend of mine would be safe and sound... No matter where you are or what you are doing...

And tonight before I go to sleep, I would still do the same... Even if you are sleeping, I would pray that you are sleeping soundly and peacefully...

Good night, my friend... Sleep well...

hope that time can stop...

I just hope that time can stop at this moment for a little longer... So that I can rest... I need to sleep... Sometimes when I wake up, I feel like crying... I don't want my day to start... It's too pack... Too pack that I can't breathe... Work, tuition and band... It has been revolving around these things...

I understand that concert is coming and there are more practices and with percussion concert.. the more we should practice... my students exams are coming, i have to make time for them too... But there's only 24 hours a day... work from 8.30 - 6... after that it would be band and tuition... I'm enjoying it... I don't mind...

But it tired me out... I'm become so weary at the end of the day... That I don't even have the energy to think probably about what i'm doing... For example, read a mag... sometimes I don't even what it is talking about... the words just pass me by... the feeling is terrible... very! I feel so useless...

I rarely sleep at 10+... and now 10+ seems like 12+ already... coz my energy is all used up...

I seriously hope time can stop, coz my schedule from tml onwards doesn't allows me to rest well for a single day... I would be busy till next sunday... No breaks in between... I don't know how to survive... But I hope I can...

And I would miss time with my family... It would mean that I won't get to see them often though we leave under the same roof...

OK I'm off to sleep...

hope for some respect and support for my decision...

Since the day I chose to guard my heart, I know my decision is made... And there's no way and nothing that anybody say would change my mind... I've choose this path, I'll face the consequences myself... I know it's silly to do this but I've chose this path myself and all hope for is that my friends would respect my decision and support me...

And not telling me that "Jocelyn, don't be silly! it's not worth it!", "Come on! Don't be stupid! You are still young! why get yourself tied down with such promise!" or "you are still young, is still to early to say!", "you are still young, shouldn't take things so serious!"

you know that's not gonna change anything coz I'm determine to guard my heart...

Yes I shouldn't have take things so serious in the first place... But when it comes to matters of heart... tell me which one of you can actually control it well? you could tell yourself not to get too deep... But when you are actually deep in, you won't even realise it... and when you realise it, it's too late... Every thing just seems so beautiful at that moment and you are hoping for the most beautiful dream to come true... How many of us when reading this and think back that you could actually let go just like that? probably you could but let me tell you I can't...

You guys know what I've been going through and seen me gone through it... I'm not ready to go through another one and I don't want to... It brought about too much pain and tears...

It wasn't a sudden decision and an act of impulse... It took me a long time to decide and pluck up that courage to make that decision... It's difficult to guard one's heart and therefore I need support...

I know I definitely have the support from someone... And He's the big guy up above! The decision wasn't just because of this incident... well, not exactly... It was through this incident that I realise what I want to do... So by guarding my heart I can actually fully concentrate on what I want to do first... It seriously isn't that bad... I want to spend sometime getting closer to God too... And now is the time...

See with one decision I can achieve so many other things... so it's not that bad... It's not silly or stupid... And this is not gonna last for my whole life... It's just for 1, 2 or 3 years... And it would past very quickly... It's only temporary... It's not as if I'm gonna stay single forever... I won't want to... I want to get married, I wanna have kids... But now is just not the time for me to get into relationship or get involve in this area...

I just need to close that door in my heart for a little while and keep guys out of that space... I don't wanna hurt someone and the more I don't wanna be hurt again...

I won't regret making this decision and that's why you guys shouldn't feel that it's something dumb to do... or feel that it's such a pity... coz it's not gonna be a lifetime...

I just wanna learn how to see guys as brothers rather than potential partners... In that way, life would be much easier for me... And it would a wel learnt lesson isn't it?

I'll still listening to the comments you guys give me about my decision but it's not gonna change my decision... So just say your comments and give me your support...

I don't know what's ahead of me, therefore I'm not sure if I'm able to take what's coming to me... But with a little support, I think I'm able to overcome it...

Are you guys willing to help me with this? Respect my decision and give me the little support?

Quality weekend

It was a quality weekend... Well spent with my parents,sisters and friends... Though it was a packed schedule but I still enjoyed... Coz it would be a long time again for the next gathering or time spent together....

Sometimes I really hate my pack schedule... There's no way that I can breathe... and rest well... But sometimes I am thankful for it too... It somehow helps me to fall asleep faster at night.... Makes my mind tired so that I'm not able to think of other things... And when I wake up the next day, another day just past like that...

I guess that's what people meant when they say "blessing in disguise"...

But there are certain things that I'm not sure if it's a blessing in disguise...

Anyways updatezz for the weekend...

Sat
It was well spent with both of my sisters... Went for tuition in the morning then prayer meeting in the afternoon... after that I brought my sisters to China Square for Korean food... Well brought them there coz the korean food there was not bad... wanted to go Far East Square for the peanut ice kachang but too bad it was closed... So I decided to bring them to chinatown for almond paste... on our way walking there, there was some shops at chinatown so stop by to take a look... And i bought 2 pair or earrings... :)

Meiying had the egg pudding which taste nice on the first mouth but it should stop there... Coz too much of it, really makes one feels sick! The peanut paste was alright but too much of it makes it sick too... The almond paste was the best!! It's nice... If you like almond this is the one you should go for... It's located near lucky chinatown... Give it a try!

oh yeah... the peanut ice kachang too! It's fantastic man!! should try too! but it's best that you eat it there, don't pack home...

Didn't know that my work place had so many nice food until I started working... :)

Sun
It was a long day for me too... Went to church in the morning and tuiton in the afternoon... BUT!! At night was spent with my secondary school friends... Or rather as they call themselves... "The Popiah Gang"

It was a gathering cum celebration for Kenneth's bday... We went to Marina South to have steamboat... But I think I laugh more than I eat... But only the vegetables, fishball and stuff were nice... The marinated meat taste kind of awful...

Headed to K-ster after that... Had lots of fun singing and shouting... But... some songs just brings back the memories and feelings that I couldn't hold back my tears... Lucky for me the lights were dim and Jerm was there to lend me her shoulder... Thanx girl! If not I would had really really break down...

Marilyn was there too... It's been a long time since I last saw her... Probably like 2 years... But there isn't a strangeness there... We still could click and crap with each other... She even stayed over at my house! haha... Talk alot... well the usual girls' talk... But both of us were so tired... then we fell asleep after an hour...

Mon
Today was basically a percussion day! Met up with the percussionist who are playing for the coming MD for lunch at tiong bahru Ljs... Headed back to school for sectionals with Mr Tan... Hmm... I could say it's not bad... But definitely more room for improvement! Peeps! Let's work hard k!! Then after that we can put our concentration for the coming percussion concert in June!! Let's have a better one this time round!! I have faith in all of us!! Cheers!!

After sectionals we had dinner together!!! There were Alan,Muru,Charlton,Ven,Jerm,Zai,Joanne, Raf and me... We had our dinner at bugis and then dessert at another stall... But I reckon you guys not go there... It's expensive and not really that nice...

It's been a long time since we could really go out together... Am looking forward to the next one... But wonder when would it be...

Yup that's my weekend... Tired but worthwhile... This week would be a week for tuition... but next week would be band! coz the concert is next week... I have band on Mon,tues,thurs and friday... and wed? it's sectionals... It clashes with my students' exams...

Just hope everything goes well...

Finally weekends are here and weekdays are gone... A rather long weekend coz it's a public holiday on monday! Which means no work!!

Weekdays was busy,tired and restless... I didn't manage to get enough sleep and rest...

Mon-Wed
Work was from 8.30-6pm... And I had to rush back to school for band... And it ended very late coz they were having band camp... Didn't stay becoz of itp... I would reach home about 11.30pm... And by the time I finish bathing and wait for my hair to dry it's already 12+ or 1... It's not just the time... It's because all my energy has been used up moving the instruments up and down the band room... Not even a single one is left to let think of other things outside work and band... I just lie on my bed with my mind blank... And the next day when I wake up to go to work... I can't really concentrate... almost fell asleep a couple of times...

Thurs
After work rush down for tuiton... also reach home about 11+... But one thing that kept me going was weekend was near...

Due to my busy schedule, I didn't manage to see my parents for 4 days... It just hurts me not seeing them... We are living under the same roof and my house is not big... yet I didn't manage to see them or talk to them... Even my sisters... Didn't manage to spend time with them at all... When I'm back all of them are asleep... And when I wake up... I only manage to see meiying but couldn't talk much coz I've to bath...

But Thank God Friday I finally saw them... I purposely left it free so that I could go home early to see my parents and rest well too... Coz I think I deserve that rest after the busy schedule... After work. bought dinner for my parents and came home to eat with them... Thought it's not some expensive food but it was a dinner well spent... manage to talk to them and see them...

Well friday seems to be a happy day... Everybody in my department was so slack, which is a rare scene... serious! These people work non-stop all day... But friday was so different... Suddenly everybody seems so close... I was quite close to them too... And there seems to be a bond there too... And got to know them a little more... just some of them...

Jessie is the big boss there... have not talk to her before... But her looks are enough to scare me away... She quite built, short hair and tough looking... So tough that there were a few times when I enter the toilet I though I went into the wrong one... :x She looks really firece and i meant it...

Linda is some head there... Don't exactly know her position but she seems to have some authority... She does resembles rebecca... But she's slimmer and of coz older... She's rather pretty but it scares me when she frowns... She has nice hair but it would be better if she dyes it...

Ivy, the one that taught me payment balancing... Well, I can't exactly say out how is she... sometimes she seems irritated and pissed off... And sometimes she behaves and walks like a child... I don't meant it in a childish way... Can't use the right words to describe her... Probably she's bust that's why... And that's her... She's not hush or impatient... She would correct me and teach me patient... sometimes when I forget to do sometimes she would tell me nicely...

Jasmine a pretty lady... hmm... She seems to dislike me intially or probably Like i say all of them are busy... And there are certain things that we have no choice to apporach them to help us... like logging into the company lan with their password... But when got to know her well, she's fun, at times jokes with me and stuff...

Yong, the silent joker... Why do I say so? Just by looking at him, you would wanna laugh... He has this face that once you see him, you would laugh or smile... But one very scary thing is that when I'm working I feel that he's watching me... Making sure I work and stuff... Which I think it's not true... It's just the feeling that he gave... He's quite soft-spoken too... have not hear him raise his voice or talk loudly before... He's a Mr nice guy... willing to guide us... But Shunli and I always tot that he has something with winnifer... :x

Winnifer is the leader of the department I guess... She looks serious and stern... But in fact she's not... That's if she don't frown... I like it when she smiles... But Winnifer has kids... So well... we don't know what's happening... haha... These are the things that keep us awake during work... Gossip!! Coz they are always together! Yong always lunch in the office during the first week of Itp when winnifer was on leave... But she's back they have been having lunch together... :x

ok let's contiune with my impression of the people there...

Asiah... A woman who's laughter can just comes easily... one small little matter she can laugh to the extreme... One of the few whom I really talk to in the office coz she's sitting near me...

Lastly is Maggie... I remember the first day I came in or rather the first week... I didn't really like her... Coz she looks firece and she keeps looking at people with her specs below her eyes...

BUT!! BUT!! She turns out to be nicest lady there! A lady in her 50s I guess, standing at a height of 150+... petite, cute and pretty... A lady with a nice heart too... I've been there two weeks... And heard her getting scolding twice... BUT!! Never once I saw or hear her complain... And she still looks as cheerful!! And hey she still puts on make-up! And it's not extreme... and she has a little sense of fashion... For her age, I really think she dresses well!

She was the one that makes me feel so happy there... It all started out when I help her to do batching... She's patient... All of them are really fast there... And I remember when she aksed me to help her fax.. the freaking paper got jam so many times... And I know I took a long time... But she didn't rush me... When hongkong emailed her to say that they didn't receive the mail...

She came over and just me nicely... And she was still smiling.. I remember what she say...

"Just now we did fax over the documents right? Hong Kong email me now say they never receive"

that was the first incident... there was once I had to fax the swift document over... The amount of the first page was supported by the documents behind... I didn't know and tot that she just wanted me to photocopy the supporting documents... so i fax the first page and one page of the supporting document... came back told her... She didn't scold me at all... She was patient in telling me and just tell me it's ok... Just re-fax to them... I feel so comfortable helping her to do things coz I know that when I make a mistake, she will always be so patient...

She's the person that I'm gonna miss the most when I reach there... Just by thinking about it, I alrady feel like crying...

Well these are some of the people in my office... Thank God that I'm blessed with good collegueas...

Ok that's about it... I need a rest...

The night is here accompanied with the memories... It's always this time of the night that reminds me of the time that we spent together...

And it's the time when I thought the strong me in front of my friends is actually the weakest...

No matter how tired I am... There isn't a day that I spent without thinking of you... Your voice fills my head, your smell is still around and the happy moments that we spent together fills my mind...

Suddenly, I wanna close up to myself again... I don't want anyone to enter my life to take away the memories that we share... To take up the space... I wanna keep it, I don't want new memories with anyone... I just want to keep it going... since the day we start...

I want it so badly that sometimes I imagine the memories myself... Just that this time it's a different case... it has the word "if" in front of every sentence...

But I know it's not possible anymore... all those "if" will never happen... Coz I lost the last and only chance left...

I'M SO IN LOVE!!!

"read your blog... *holds you close and says "it's going to be ok"* call me. meet me. I wan to be here for you when you need someone. just whether you allow me or not"

This was the msg I saw when I woke up this morning... I was so touched and near to tears when I saw it...

And I wanna tell you that I definitely allow you to come into my life... And share the ups and downs with me... I not only allow you to be here for me... I will also be there for u!

I realise that I'm slowly falling in love with you~! Aww... I'm so in love! Thank you for your love! I would go to far extent to try and cherish it... The day that my love die for you... would be the day when we depart from this temporary home... But still I'll carry my love for you with me! :) And I know you will... Let us work hard to keep this love going strong!!

Love you lots!

I'm working at 8.30 am tml and yet I'm still awake! I want to sleep but my hair is wet!! And I'm freaking tired!! It's a bloody long day!!!

My legs are tired and I'm dead bush!!! Work was from 8.30 - 6pm... And after that went back to school for band... Band prac was from 8-11... and by the time I reach home it was already 11.30...

Man! The whole bloody week is so packed! I'll be going back for band straight after work tml and wednesday... And thursday after work I have 2 tuitions... and friday after work... Still band!!!! What a week!!! It's kind of stressful and tired when you know that the week ahead is so pack!!

Well no choice, concert is coming! 3 weeks time... And don't ask me about my playing! It's bad!!!

Had a talk with Jerm just now... She asked me why do I want to guard my heart? Coz she feels that I can't breathe... I'm making things difficult for myself... i know that! I'm trying very hard! and it's so hard! but I'm still trying!

So guard your heart well Jocelyn!!

I'm feeling how I feel last week again... I don't know why? Tears just fills my eyes... why am I feeling so tied up inside? I really need someone badly... But I don't know who to go to... I need a hug... I really need someone...

But all I have is my blanket and soft toys... hiding at one corner...

what I'm trying to say is so contradicting....

Many people come in and out of our life but how many actually stay for long or probably a lifetime... Or rather I should say how many of us would make an effort to make these people stay.... Each time we know someone of the opposite sex, each of us would be in the stage of infatuation... And what comes next would be the path of friendship or lovers... It's the choice that we make...

Many times we thought that we have found the right one... "OH! He's the guy that I'll be walking down the church aisle for at the end of my singlehood life... The one that you will spend your whole life with and share all the happiness and sadness with... BUT! Think about it... In all the relationship that we are in, we feel that for almost each of it right? And too often things turns out otherwise... And we often end up being hurt or hurting someone...

Each time we got into a relationship, we have already made a decision to hand the dagger to your other partner... And now the decision lies with him/her whether she/he will use it to protect you or stab you in the heart... But because when you hand the dagger to him/her, you have also put your trust in him/her... Believing that it would be used to protect you...

If you think that you have been stab, think twice probably you have actually use it to stab someone before... Probably I had, that's why I'm going through this now...

Everything was so perfect... Or rather seems so perfect... I thought I met the right one and put in all I could... I was about to take the dagger out to hand it over to the person... But before I could, he took a step faster by grabbing the dagger and stab me in my heart... *oUcH*

I've pulled the dagger out but it still hurts... What's left is a wound to recover on it's own...

I always have cinderella story before things offically happen... And each time the wound just get deepper... Probably everybody has the right to love except me... I know it's because I have not meet the right one... But why is it so cruel?

I'm a girl who cries easily and gets happy over small issues... And definitely someone who falls in love easily... and a girl who have cinederella story again and again... Even cinderalla has a happy ending...

Would I be the same girl again? The one that falls in love easily? I've lose the trust and once again walk back into my own world... But this time with a new mission and lesson... A place where I learn how to guard my heart... And not wanting anyone to step into my world yet... coz I've lose faith in relationship... I dare not hand the dagger to anyone... Coz I've lost the trust and become more protective over myself...

I'm guarding my heart... coz it hurts to hurt someone and it hurts to be hurt... I'm still healing a wounded soul and I really appreciate that anyone would try to stay away from me...

But one thing for sure... I'm still the same old girl that thinks alot of every issue in life...

At this stage of my life, I feel that relationship is a want not a need... Sometimes I do feel that it might be a blessing in disguise... Therefore I'll stick to going back to my own world and guard my heart well...

Like I say what I'm trying to say is so contradicting...

I'm losing my faith in relationship, guarding my heart but at the same time feeling that relationship is a want not a need...

Though I'm enjoying every single moment of singlehood but... I'm still at lost... The memories that is inside can never be erased... At times I still wanna curl up like a baby in someone's arm... But I'm still afraid...

The fear in my heart cannot be described... Unless you experience it...

But sub-consciously I know the answer right inside me... I'm still not sure if I wanna make that decision or not... Coz I'm not daring enough to make that decision...

First week at DBS Vickers Securities....

yup attached to DBS Vickers Securities for a week already... And it also means that one week of ITP is over... BUT! there's 7 more weeks.. But nvm!! I'm looking forward in learning more things...

Well, it's not that bad... Just that sometimes doing the same thing over and over again, makes me feel sleepy... And it's terrible when you know that once you reach there in the morning... Viewing clients' account and stuff... But well I did payment balancing on my own for 2 days.. Couldn't balance ytd and I was so sad coz it was so easy yet I couldn't do it...

BUT!! today I could balance it... Just that I missed out the checking of the figures with the receipt at the back if it's the same... But overall still ok... Gotta get familiarise with this before I learn how to do the DBS vickers online payment balancing...

Overall in conclusion, first week of itp is excited, tired, sleepy and abit boring ar... Well guess that's working life... If you get to learn something new then that's a different issue...

After work, headed to meet Andy at Suntec... get a cake for Nei coz we were celebrating her birthday... Headed to this chinese restaurant somewhere near far east square... which is a less than 10 mins walk from my office!!!! DAMN! waste my money... But nvm! The food there is not bad... the sambal kangkong is nice... we had fish bee hoon too, tofu, fried beef whatever you call it... But we simply enjoyed... my pastor, nei, meiying, meichan, vivian, andy and me... hmm... a good dinner after a day's work is always the best!

But I think having a HOT BATH IS STILL THE BEST MAN!! :P

After dinner, both my sisters headed home and the rest of us wanted to go to the coffee bean at Chinatown point, well not exactly them but me... coz i didn't wanna go home... but it was closed when we reached there... So headed to Mac... Spend our time chatting there and left at about 11... THANX FOR SPENDING THE TIME WITH ME!

hmm... I'm freaking tired... I need a good rest...

it's the third day of work!!! The same word.... "TIRED"

I'm really sleepy... my legs are aching due to the fact that I've been wearing heels the whole day... BAD FOR LEGS MAN!!

It's only the 3rd day of itp, it's already feeling like a rather long period of time... And today is the only day after 3 days of work, I finally got to see my parents and talk to them... I feel so sad... "wah, it's been a long time since I see you!"

I don't like them telling me this... So today I said it and told my mum how much I miss her!

the first thing that I saw when I open my parent's room door... was my dad's smile!! AW!!!! It took my tiredness away from me... All the pain just went away immediately... ;)

But I guess I won't enjoy such days for long... :(

well... Did the same few things again... abit of data entry, view clients' a/c, put through trade and did abit on payment balancing... BUT! tml I'll be handling the payment balancing alone! coz Ivy is on leave tml... I'm really scare! I'm totally new and I have not ever try doing it before... Hopefully I can do it!

Gotta sleep early or else I'll be tired again tml... and it's thursday tml! which means!!! Friday is coming soon!!!

why is it that when I'm learning how to see things from the other side... I'm fighting a spirtual warfare... I know it's hard to guard my heart against all things... BUT...

Why is it so hard to guard my heart? why?!

Everytime I try to put it off... The feeling just keep coming back... I was looking forward to ITP... But suddenly on Sunday night I got so emotional... My heart was in a whirl and I was feeling lost...

I mean don't I know my directions in life already? Ain't I determine to do somethings already? Why the sudden feeling of confusion?

Am reading "I kissed dating goodbye"... which gives lots of enlightenment to me... Really... But each time when I come to realise something... There's this pain in my heart... I don't know whether it's a blessing in disguise or not... Sometimes yes, sometimes no... And sometimes I don't even know what is a blessing in disguise...

Sometimes I will question God... why is there love or feelings on earth? why did He create such a thing? But I realise that if without love or feeling... there won't be passion... There won't be obstacles to be met and, thus learning and growing up from it...

I just need more time and more strength... more determination to guard my heart... And I really do wanna guard my heart... So don't try to come attack my heart people! Coz I'm trying to guard it 24 hours! So I beg you guys not to come disturb it k! I'll appreciate it alot! :)

2nd day of itp...

Did I ever told you that I never thought that working was easy?! and it's freaking true!!! I wanna study for life!!!

yup... it's the second day of itp... and I'm already feeling so tired... In fact when I sat at my desk yesterday, the sudden feeling that I wanna study for life is so strong...

Yes I was looking forward to ITP... indeed I am... To learn things that I don't learn in the books... and yes I did...

Probably it's the busy schedule that I have... that's y... My working hours are from 8.30 - 6.... And I have to wear formal wear everyday!! That's the last thing I wanna hear man! I can't wear jeans!!! GESH!

ok let's start with day one of work...
hmm... Reached at 8.15am... I took a bus!! haha... no cab!! I'm proud of myself!! Anyway it's just a 15mins bus ride from my house... ;)

There was a totally of 10 of us from the same course attached to DBS vickers sercurities... At first I tot it was some deserted place... but hell no... haha... and Thank God I'm with Shunli!! We are both in the same department which is the operations department... ok we are at the payment side...

got our desk... and waited for stuff to do... And I did data entry the whole day yesterday... But it's better than nothing to do... It's gonna feel weird... Day one was tiring man! Don't know why... But after work went to meet up with Cia and guys for dinner... seems like all of them had a boring and slack day one... except for Cia... seems like your pay doesn't come easy huh?! hahha... :P

Day 2
I've learn something today... COOL!!! I did data entry when I was free... And when Josephine and Ivy was free they guided me... I did put through trade... Though I was nervous initially coz I was afriad that I might do something wrong... But it was ok after all... then Ivy guide me on payment balancing... Did touch that part yet coz she has already finished it when I was done with put through trade... View client's account too... see if their account are closed or whether the'r names or IC has changed... rather easy job...

Well got've work waiting for me tml... put through trade and payment balancing... GOODY!!! I think I'm rather lucky to have jobs waiting for me... Must really Thank God! If not for the prayers that everybody had prayed for me... I won't be so blessed... :P

After work, headed down to school for band.. IT'S TERRIBLE!! All the work and effort that was put in previously, has gone down the drain partly! AND! MD is just in 3 weeks time! with ITP, tuition and band plus percussion concert... Wonder how I can cope!

OH YEAH! Percussion concert is approved ane so is the 760 bucks!! haha...

seems like things are going well...

Just a simple sentence which I pick up along when I was looking through my friendster...

"A friend drops their plans when you're in trouble, shares joy in your accomplishments, feels sad when you're in pain. A friend encourages your dreams and offers advice--but when you don't follow it,they still respect and love you."

Why Am I not feeling the way I'm supposed to be?

Finally exams are over... Took the last paper... It was ok... But forgot somethings here and there... Was only able to remember certain words of the sentence... Just hope I can pass... Didn't really had the mood to do the paper... YES! And that's the worse feeling you can ever have when you are sitting for a paper... Probably it was due to the insufficent sleep yesterday night... I toss and turn on my bed... By 3+ I was still awake... But somehow manage to get some sleep before the paper... As usual my class has the least amount of people left by the end of the paper...

After the paper I went to meet up with Jerm... Wanted to get a bag for ITP but couldn't find one so I intend to find one or I might end up finding lots within my BOX of bags... It was only a few hours spent with her, coz she's meeting Weilun to go to Johor... Though it was a short time spent with her, but it was worthwhile... It's been a long time since the both of us went out together due to our busy schedule.... It was an afternoon filled with love and laughters between best friends... Despite the heavy rain, and we had to end up buying umbrella to go to cineleisure, it was a wonderful time walking, we could still just talk about anything under the rain... haha... Am still looking forward to more of these days to come... We have plans to go backpack... and also on a holiday... but that is when we have the time... probably after my students PSLE... hope we are able to do it this time...

Paper is over... Or I should say that exams are over... It's a burden off the shoulder, a day that calls for a celebration and out having fun times with friends... I should be happy and laughing crazily... But you know what... I'm feeling none of this... I do feel that a burden is off the shoulder, a day that calls for celebration... But I just wanna be alone... which I am now... Alone at home... The quietness that is so peaceful... accompanied by the wonderful weather outside... All i want to do is slack... probably read a book, lying on the bed starring at the ceiling with plenty of thoughts in my mind and with good music... Or rather catch some sleep, coz I'm rather tired... My eyes are feeling heavy... I could just sleep sitting up straight...

And darn! why does the phone have to ring and break the peacefulness in my heart and mind! oops... It was my dad... calling back to ask me what I want for dinner... :) Ok forgiven for breaking the peacefulness, coz it was a disturbance of fatherly love... :P

*yAwNz*

gonna take a rest, before I go for tuition later...

The feeling of anxiety is gone... There's only worries, sadness and anger in me... There are some issues that I really need to consider... It's gonna be a heavy burden to me... It's time that serious decisions need to be make...

a sudden feeling of anxiety...

I don't understand why... There's a sudden feeling of anxiety in me... Why? there should not be... Probably I'm just thinking too much... Get back to study...

I'm suppose to be studying coz FMKT paper is tml... Well I've finished studying... Still left with tutorials... But I'm so lazy... I don't feel like doing anything besides slacking...

But well I don't have a choice...

Will go through and recap later... With abit of confidence and faith... I'm ready to take the paper...