Hi... My name is Jocelyn. The useless biatch.

Least that's the way I feel about myself and it makes me disgusted. Pissed with myself. Why can't I be stronger? Stand firm with my decision and not be soft-hearted. Not give in or even let anyone have the chance to see the weak "Jocelyn".

3 years. T'was the time I saw the fruit of my labour. The person that I wanted myself to be after that oh-so-silly incident. The strong,tough and serious Jocelyn that everyone could see. Not a single drop of tears or helplessness on my face. No longer the person who would start crying when I'm so over-stressed. I did it. In fact I enjoyed the fruit of my labour and kept the old me in a memory box. Sealed.

But it was not until when I stared out of the bus window,with penny of thoughts, tthat I realised that the old Jocelyn was pushing, with all her might ,her way out from that memory box. Soon I realised that she was coming back already, and the Jocelyn that I've tried so hard to create is almost gone.

Just one person it's enough to knock me down. I'm on the verge of losing this battle. And I'm not willing to! It's not fair. Since when I was to be an extra player in someone else's planned game. That wasn't supposed to be the way it is.

I hate myself for being so vulnerable in front of you! To prove you right that I'm just like most of the girls out there who needs another half for support. But each time when I decided to be firm and hard-hearted, with just one msg. I defeated myself. Each time when I agree to meet you, I feel useless!! ABSOLUTELY USELESS!

You knew that I want to see you so badly,something I never dare to admit to my friends but I'm saying it here right now, and when I said it's ok that I don't meet you, the question comes.

"I'm asking you one more time, do you want or not."

And you won. Just like that. You got me to say it out which is what you wanted me to.

"You know I've always been like that."

That's what you told me. At that moment, I realised how stupid I was. You're luring me to be someone that I never wanted myself to be ever again.To lure that person in the memory box out.

I mocked at myself as I read that msg, how did I ever let myself fall into such things again.

As I placed my cell down on the table, I made up my mind. It's gonna be a test for me this time round. I'm gonna push that person in the memory box back to where she rightfully should be.

Cause no one except myself, can make me lose the battle against me.

Ever had the experience of bumping into someone from the past? Someone that used to be so significant to you at that time?

If you did. How did you feel?

Happy that you saw an old friend? Or was it the heartbreaking memories that start filling you and you realise that tears started to fill your eyes which uncontrolably roll down that rosy cheeks of yours? Washing your happiness and smile away as it drip onto your top?

Time seem to stop at that instant and you could feel your body getting hot despite the cold weather. And you don't know whether to smile or say hi.

I don't know about you but these were the questions that I have always been asking myself.

I finally found the answer yesterday.

After supper at "MakanSutra", cia,weishan,ligen and I headed to the hong kong cafe that served the most horrible food that you can ever pay for. Laughing as I filled them the details of my weird,which cia and ligen heard as wet,dreams. It was really weird not WET! Something supernatural. It's not about the dream.

In the mist of our loud laughter, cia waved to someone. Being a normal human, I turn back and saw someone. I didn't thought that we would ever get the chance to bump into each other. After all it's been almost a year or so.

Back facing the direction he was walking, only our heads met. As he walked past our table and me, the feeling came. The feeling of happiness when you see an old friend. Not the heartthrob feeling or the painful memories. None of that actually surface or filled the picture. It didn't take away the laughter from me.

In fact it felt good to see a classmate after so long.

Under the moonlight or rather cafe's light with a oh-I-think-i'm-so-handsome guy sitting opposite our table, I've got the answer to my questions. =)

Have been sleeping rather late these few days and eating abit too much! Gotta watch out on that!

Finally, I step foot into "Timbre". Went there 4 times and on the fourth visit I finally went in. boy oh boy... is it just so difficult to get a drink and get myself lost in good music?!

Wednesday's night Timbre outing was fanta-bulous! The company (weishan,ligen,cia and hannah) were great! Pizza was good. Talking about!! It's been nearly 2 months since I allow myself to indulge in treats like PIZZA! Since we were out to unwind and have fun!! Just gotta keep the rules in the pocket for that few hours.

Since we were at Timbre and, weishan and ligen were there too. How could we missed out something so important that has to part of our outing! Alcohol. ^_^

Ordered 1/2 a dozen of "Sex on the beach" and 1/2 a dozen "Tequila shot", buckets of 5 henieken and my "seabreeze" which they called in the "long gang" water. Had a glass of lychee champagne which taste like beer. Hoegarden to be exact.

Got way too out of hand and before I realise. I drank too much. Was sober but walking straight and up the stairs was difficult. Shared a cab with ligen and cia. Being the strong and kind me,I decline their offer to walk me up. Which I did manage to.

"Thump!".

I fell onto the sofa with my sister there. Wearing the wrong shoes, I become handicapped. My sister unbuckle my heels. Got up on my feet and almost fall back to the window. Got my balance back and walked a coupls of steps. I let myself fall to the floor effortlessly. Laid flat down with my sister,meichan, taking out my bracelets and necklaces. Crawled my way back into the room. But I still had the ability to remove my make-up and bathed.

Despite the hot shower and I couldn't wake up. Couldn't get the strength back. With another thump, I sat on my other sister,meiying's bed and asked if you could dry my hair for me. Which I felt my body fall lazily back on her.

And I crawled up to my bed and under my blanket. And it was sweet dreams.

With all those noise that I made and the time I was home, luckily my mum was still sleepily soundly that I could quietly sneak into bed. ^-^

And of cause! Having to be on leave the next day! =)

Time: 22:38pm (awfully sad but so true.)

Location: Lvl 26,ORQ.

yea... yours truly is still trapped in the office.

It's total madness,I would say,today. That's the thing I drag most when there's a HK holiday. And it makes it worse when you are all working alone. My kidneys are feeling oh-so-sick! Kidney failure to be exact. Or stones? that's what they say if you hold your bladder TOO long!!!
6 hours to be exact!

But work ended at about 10.15. Am here waiting for my Cia darling to finish up her work and the 3 of us(weishan,cia and I) will head off for some food to fill the empty stomach!!!

Sinful!! But still I've gotta eat! WATCH OUT!! That's gonna make you cry!!! Am still on a diet! Not that strict as before.

Lost about 6kg in a month plus!! more to GO!!!

Well guess that's about it for now.

Will update more when I rmb what I wanna say! ^_^

Here's a toast to all the lovely mothers in the world!

*cling*

But of cause. Mother's day is not only today! Only today is the day, that's what makes it special.

And no matter how big or small the gift is, they always appreciate it.

For us, mother's day celebration was yesterday. Headed to the crystal jade restuarant at Ngee Ann City. The total bill was abt 500+ and mum paid for it!! haha...

Ok pls don't start cursing and swearing for being such an unfillial daughter.

This mother's day my mum had the biggest present ever. Her wish came true.

I rmb having a conversation with her. She said mother's day is round the corner and I asked what does she wants.

She smiled to me saying,"I only have one wish."

I said, "OK! I'll get it for you."

I always knew what her wish was. So without hesitation I agreed. Cause I knew that even if she had the money to do so, she won't ever do it. The money will eventually be spent on us. Seriously there wasn't any pain to talk about when I paid for it. In fact, it was a sense of satisfaction. Finally it's my turn to be able to make her wish come true. However that's not gonna be able to repaid for what she has done for us. Never!!!

At least, she's happy.

It was sweet of my sisters to contribute a little(lots to them) despite that they are not working.

Now this was the thing that we bought for her.



yes. A 2.3K LV lastest and limited edition bag.

^-^

But if i'm gonna get it for myself!!! Saw the blood?!

It's over.

If you had met me by chance for the past 2 weeks, tell me something and i'll just forget it almost immediately. It was a hectic week for me. The previous week on friday, I gave tuition to near 12 after work. And since that day, you won't see me home before the clock strikes 12.

On monday, the eve of labour day, I worked till 8+ and headed to Nini's house for tuition. Left at 2+. Reached home.Showered. But it wasn't bedtime for me. Had to do some science papers for the answers. Didn't sleep till 5 in the morning. Before I could really rest, it was time to wake up and continue marking and searching the web for answers to questions I didn't know. And it was time for tuition again.

The worse? I taught till 2.30 on wed and had to wake up at 7+ for work.

Most amazing thing of all? I never thought that talking too much would EVER be one of the reason why I lose my voice. Was wrong. I just kept teaching and teaching. Talking and Talking non-stop for hours and hours. yea... by now you wld have thought drink more water. WHICH I DID!! more than 2 litres a day! It wasn't a sore throat. wasn't any pain to talk abt.

My voice was husky. My boss thought I was sick. For a week plus. I never imagine I could go to such an extent. The strength and determination from God was amazing.

And of all time, I made a terrible mistake at work. My boss had to clear my shit. It wasn't the best time for this to happen. I was feeling terrible. Wanted to quit out of guilt, cause I just felt I was incompetent. Perfectionist u can call me. Humans all make mistakes but I just can't allow myself to have that. I felt condemn. Condemn by my authoriser and boss.

Hannah woke me up with this.

"U're condemning yourself! No one is. God's people will NEVER be condemn!"

For a fact, it was right. All along I was condemning myself, cause now everything is back to normal. They're talking to me. casually just like the past.

That was the past 2 weeks. Hectic. Balancing between work and tuition. Kept busy every single minute,gives me no time or room for my mind to think about other things. The numbness of work. Overworking. I like it. Love it. Wished it could be like tat most of the time. Ain't nuts. I just want it.

Besides this 2 major things, I can't really remember what happen for the week. I think I've overworked so much that for the 2 weeks while I was working my memory span was less than 1 min. Was doing sth and had to divert my attention to something else. But when I'm done, I can't rmb what I have to do. Not just once. Probably a couple of times in a day. =D

Well thank God it's break time now!!

Anyways my mum bought me my 21st birthday pressie already! When i'm only turning 21 in SEPT!! End of SEPT! She said she was anxious. =.=

About what? No idea man.... But what I know is that. She's a super traditional mum when it comes to things like that. By now you might know what she bought for me. A necklace.... with a key pendant. It's white gold. It's really nice and I love it.

I asked why didn't you buy a DIAMOND necklace instead?!!! hahah...

Now that was a joke. Diamond ain't really my thing. Branded goods are never my thing too. It's definitely my mum's! Cause this mother's day, her wish is gonna come true but burn a big hole in my pocket! She's getting a LV for mother's day gift!! Can't believe it?

In fact, I was the one that say I'll buy it for you!! ^-^

Nothing wrong with that. She never bear to buy it for herself. Every single cent she earned, she spent it on us. And how is that 1,000 over bucks bag ever gonna repay her love for us. Something I ought to do.

Was having a casual conversation with my mum that day while I was taking a shower, while she was sitting in the kitchen. I asked her why don't she moved us. After all, we have al grown up and the space is getting smaller! and yea! with all my stuff.

"I can sell this house. Buy a new one and since I have not buy any new house before i'll get some blah blah... but i'm so old already. If I do so now, it's like putting a whole new burden on my shoulder."

She has got a point,I thought to myself.

"Anyways you guys are already so big and getting married in a couple of years. That time we'll just move in with you guys."

I laughed and told her. What if I'm still single at the age of 35!!!

"You won't." That sounded kind of worried from her tone.

I insisted. What if. And she finally said if that's the case, that time u'll buy a new house and we'll stay with you! Not a bad idea eh.

You can't rule out this possibility. The number of single women at the age of 35 is increasing rapidly in Singapore. I told her.

"Mami. Women in your era and my era are so different. And your daughter,me,belongs to the women of MY era."

That means it's the career mindset.

Men and women have equal work opportunities now. Over the years, everything have changed. Education was no longer just for the men but for women too. That was the time when they started to plant the seedling. A society with career-minded women.

In the beginning, men were supposed to lead and women to follow. Asked any women now, out of 10, 7 would laugh at that thinking. Yours truly is one of them.

Question.

Are men getting weaker or are women becoming tougher?

I would say. Men ain't getting weaker but in fact the women are getting tougher. More independent. Men were born to be masculine,tough and strong. Providing the kind of support for women. They still are now. Just that the difference now is that women are catching up.

I wanted to get married at the age of 22. Laugh if you want cause even I,myself, can't help laughing at my sillyness and stupidity. That thought was before I came out to work or rather before some incidents that had happen that made a major change in life.

It didn't took long for me to have the career woman mindset. about a month plus. The early marriage was out of the picture. It was all about supporting myself and my parents. Buy a house myself. Depend on myself,instead of waiting for someone to support me. Not a single tear for anyone or even any stress that come my way.

To me that's a weak woman. Not someone I would want myself to become. Not even a chance!

After so much had happen, it has become clear to me. The exact things that I have to focus and give my all at this point of time.

Enough said. Bedtime!

Ciaoz!

Fear. A distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid. Or it can be explain as concern or anxiety; solicitude.

Stress. The importance or significance attached to a thing; emphasis: to lay stress upon good manners. Which in this case, it's not what I'm talking about. It's more of a physical, mental, or emotional strain or tension.

Stress level is slowly building up. And at this time, I'm losing all the sleep that I'm suppose to have. Energy is using up but not replenished for me to go further. I could be so tired when I reached home,almost drained and dead. But as I lie low on my bed, I can't sleep. Finally when I'm into dreamland, I found myself awake checking the time on my hp. And that was only an hour or so of sleep. To fall asleep again, it would be 3-4 hours later and waking up at intervals of 1-2 hours.

As usual, sleep was the way it was. Despite that had to wake up at 8 in the morning for service. Still it was a long day ahead. No matter how sleepy, I had to get it going. Student's exams are round the corner. To be exact. 2 more weeks. At this point of time, I really hope that God could give me more than 24 hours a day. Maybe 48 hours? yea. 2 days in one day. I could do tons of things. I could go through as much as I want.

Responsibility is the thing that makes the word "STRESS" look even bigger than ever. Time is running out. I know. The tiring thing is that I have to run after it. The cruel fact? Time waits for no man. I don't mind skipping dinner or losing sleep, or even teach till the wee hours, so long as they do well.

Feeling stressful is already a big burden. At the same time, I'm fearful. I have so many things running through my head. I was holding to it so firmly and I thought I have gotten over it. In fact,convinced myself. And I have come close to losing it, something that I struggled so hard to hold on to. Now. I would gripped on to it real tight. So tight that no one can take it away from me.

My fear?

Everything just happen all at a time. I've to face it alone and try to do it alone. There's no one who can help me or go through it with me. No one. I'm not even sure if I can get it right yet I have to get it right.

A week has finally past. It wasn't the kind of week that I thought it would be like. It seem so long on monday that saturday is coming. And now it's already saturday. Finally a day for just myself to sort out my thoughts.

So much things had happen this week. Bitter,sweet,sour and spicy. I had it all. One after another. Have not been sleeping well. Turn in early, divert my calls to my voicemail. But still I just could not sleep through. I woke up every intervals of 3-4 hours.

Went to bed at 9 on monday. But was haunted by worst nightmare that one could ever had. Work. 888......3414.... 888.....8697....5,000,000.... Figures. yes it keep flashing in my head,before my eye. Something that I do everyday,suddenly I seem stuck. I could not even get a simple payment done.

I open my eyes in fear and tried forgetting abt it. But once I shut my eyes. There it goes again.

It wasn't the same for the next couple of days but getting into a deep and proper sleep was impossible. Wish I could take one large sleeping pill and just knock out. Wanted to get it from Hannah ytd but I had an appt which was cancelled this morning.

Work was boring ytd. I finished early at 6.30. Was tired but I wanted to go for a shopping spree. From a shopping spree to waiting for an hour plus at the salon for Hannah to get her hair cut and highlight. Boy!! Never knew I had so much patience! Thankfully I had the company of my MP3 player that I would die without it.

Pretty stylist haircut! The reason she took so long was because!!! Her hairstylist said! Your friend is so stylist! You can't lose to her!! haha... MAN! He's so cute!! Made me happy cause this! was coming from a hairstylist, that knew how to appreciate it!

Headed to Bugis for a SHORT shopping, manage to bought a dress at a steall of 22 bucks! And met up with Wei Shan. Spent sometime at Breko. Had salad for dinner, well it's still better than nothing. Talk and had a good laugh!

As usual. Hannah was rushing me to talk to my mum and asked if I could move out and stay! OH!!! I just love the idea of it!! The smell of freedom... oh no! not freedom . I have that already! it's INDEPENDENCE!!! The whole idea of it just excites me!! I've always wanted to move out and learn how to be independent.

It would be even better that I could leave this place. Study overseas. Due to restrictions! uh huh... like money! I was thinking maybe I could finished up my studies here and get a job overseas!! Perfect plan!

While reading, I'm not sure if you can feel how I feel or the kind of feeling that I'm giving. The desperateness of leaving this place. The desire for a whole new environment and experience. There are so much more out there to see.

Thought of joining world vision to third world countries to help, perharps from there I'm able to learn that my problems are far incomparable to what they are going through. We worried about what to eat for lunch,what we should wear to work to look good,what brand of shampoo is good. But there's only one thing on these people's mind. I survived through today but what about tml?

A question that would never be asked by most of us here.

oh well... all these are the plans I have in mind. I still have to complete my studies and get my degree.

Talking about degree! I went for my interview at UniSim! I got accepted! for the JUL 08 intake! Cause I met NONE of their criteria!! I had to be 21 and above and 2 years working experience!!! What a joke!! But the lady was kind enough to tell me what I could do. I didn't know what to do after she said that. Are you trying to tell me that I can get in and have to try next yr?! But fortunately she accepted me. So I'll have to wait till Jan 08 to take some certificate programmes which are modules in the course and when I start in Jul I could be exempted. At least time is saved! =)

Funny huh!! When you applied for it, they didn't call and tell me. Instead asked me to go for an interview. But if i'm not wrong, I think the place is secured. Gotta wait for their call. So now I don't have to save so much! At least I can spend a tiny bit! Not too much of cause!

Caught "300" on thursday! oh boy!!!THE SPARTANS!!! I could pay for another time to see their SIZZLING SEXY hot bodies!!! Each and every one of them!!! Of cause the main point isn't that. Lazy to type more. So just read up or watch it for those we have not!!

Time to PACK!

I've always believe that everyone around me,people i know and don't know, are all pure and innocent. At least that's the way I chose to look at people. Everyone is good.

But as the truth are uncovered before my eyes. I realise I was wrong. The world is not made up of only the good ones. Balance is the word. The bad ones balance it.

Everyone of us,when born into this world, we brought nothing with us. We don't even know what lying is. And if the world wasn't that complicated and if humans was not that vulnerable, till today we won't know what lie is. People lie to get what they want. People lie so that they can run away from responsibilities.

That incident. Has taught me the greatest lesson in my life. Don't trust men.

Each time I look back , I feel so ashame of myself. For not being able to be strong and breakdowning in front of so many people. And this kind of feeling makes me feel pathetic of myself. Pride and dignity. I've lost it that time. And I vow that I won't breakdown in front of anyone else! Not for anything. Especially for some stupid issue.

You may think I'm silly and stupid. You may feel that I'm just a pathetic girl trying too hard. But that's the only way I can protect myself from having another wound which would heal but leave a scar forever.

I have to be tough and strong. Even if i'm not. I have to act tough. To not get hurt.

The world is changing. In fact too fast. People are having different concepts now. So different that sometimes I wonder am I too outdated and conservative or people are just too open-minded.

Sometimes the relationship between some girls and guys are just so complicated. Some could bring themselves to toy with people's feelings. Not anyone in specifically.

Question. How could they ever bear to do it?

I did ever thought of not being serious,have some flings and play with people's feelings. But I realise I can't. I can't bring myself to be so cruel to people. The thought of vulnerable ones going through that process.

Don't we all belong to the same species? How could one wonderful creation be so cruel to another. Leaving ugly scars on their hearts, that no matter how much he/she trys to conceal. You could see it in her eyes when she's deep in thoughts.

It's the state I'm in now. Scars that gives me the fear of trusting anyone,not even my closest one.

I remember Aud once said that I'm too independent. Independent? I never thought this word would be used on me. Never ever did I think I was.

This was what she replied.

"Sometimes I still wanna depend on my mother on some things."

I think otherwise. I didn't wanna depend on my mum ever since I came out to work. Though she still gives me pocket money. If i'm accepted for Uni. I'm gonna support myself through the years of uni. Working full-time and studying part-time is not gonna be easy. But I'll do it. I would rather suffer for a few years than to depend on my parents or my relatives. That is. Another stage to go through to be even stronger,since i'm the eldest in the family.

However tough it is, I will not give up. I'm not gonna let anyone see the weak me.

Enough said till here. Too much to digest.

Anyways caught 2 movies recently.


Watched "The number 23" last night. Pretty ok show. Abit of twist and turns. But!!

"Freedom writers" is highly recommended. =)

This scence was really touching. What this kids had gone through are things that were not happen when it was 1992 in Singapore. And also the part that they realise some adult is listening to them like they never before.

The debate session. Totally no idea what they were arguing about. Probably the battle between the 2 sexes.Respect.

Lastly! Ain't he Charming!!

I'm giving way. My body is. My mind is.

I'm stressed up and tired. One week five days I worked almost 10-12 hours. Probably longer for some people. But for me. It's tiring. And weekends I'll have to run around for tuition. And stress is building up on my shoulder that I can no longer lift it up.

My students' exams are round the corner. Probably in 3 weeks time. And I've so much things to do. I'm worried about their results. Worried for them. To me,their bad results is my failure.

Time is just running out. And because of work. Having tuition on weekdays are always so difficult. By the time I finish, it would be too late to go over. And I can't just throw my work to my authoriser. It makes me feel irresponsible.

Told Eanna and Lydia that I'll have to leave early during late aprils and may. I feel guilty.

Am I too responsible or what? I hate leaving my work to someone else to do just cause I need to rush off. It pisses me off. Though my bosses don't mind. They knew from the very first day that I was giving tuition.

And I've never thought of giving up anyone of the 3. They are my students but the kind of close relationship it's more than a student-tutor kind of relationship. I'm not sure how they feel, but that's how I feel.

At times they do pissed me off for not doing their work. But when worries sets in, anger is just nothing at all.

Well just gonna hang in there for one more day. After which it's a long weekend. From thursday to monday and back to work on tuesday.

Pretty packed for all the days. In fact all packed up!

Gotta head to bed. The pain in my head is making me insane!

Deception. The world is full of it.

I've learnt. Not to trust.

My Drunkards experience.

I'm not sure how many of us have had experience with drunkards before and how their small little actions could trigger the laughter in you. I've always thought that getting yourself drunk was the most unglam state to get into. All the puking,shouting and blabbering that doesn't make any cow sense at all.

Till date. I've seen 3 man. erm... 1 man and 2 guys, drunk.

The first person and the most unexpected one was my dad. That was a hilarious one. I remember studying in the room with my sisters and my parents came home with my auntie. And they told us our dad was drunk. No one actually believed till we saw it with our own eyes.

For the first time I saw my dad drunk and being carried into the house. He just sat on the kitchen floor totally knock out but still blabbering... Vulgarities in hainanese! I'll never forget that.

Come on!! It's my dad!! The father that was so stern and strict to us when we were younger. The one that look like a monster when he holds the cane up. Is now seated on the kitchen floor half-dead and blabbering vulgarities.

We could do nothing except for standing there,stare at him and laughing.

The second experience was one of my classmate. Which I think most prob we would just give it a miss cause it was nothing much as compared to the first and third experience, which was yesterday.

And I've learnt a lesson. "How to babysit a drunkard".

Drunkard babysitted yesterday-swee wah.

T'was his 21st birthday! I've already wished him so not another time. For the first time in my whole damn 6 years, I saw him PISSED DRUNK. No need for more description of how a drunkard would behave. =) It's his 21st!

Conclusion?

I resent drunkards. For some reason.

3 hours of sleep was what I had. And I'm starving now and my eyelids are getting heavier. Pizza is taking it's own sweet time. HUNGER WAITS FOR NO FOOD!

ok. Probably that didn't make a single sense. But it's FOOD and SLEEP that I can think of now.


I wanna get this!

The one and only issue that has been weighing me down is now a burden off.

Submitted my application for Uni after thinking and considering for a long time.

It wasn't easy but it wasn't that tough either.

Decision making always makes me feel like a bitch. I hate myself for being indecisive and at those moments. I would hope for someone to make a decision for me. But too bad. Sometimes adults,i mean family and relatives,tell you to make your own decision. And when you finally made up your mind and tell them watcha wanna do. They would start giving comments and say it's not good. There's no future. And they would like to end the sentence with.

"I'm just telling you. Giving you comments. But ultimately,it's you to decide. It's your life, you don't live under my shawdows."

AND! They would give that face.

So what am I suppose to do?

That's how it's like in my family. They like to do that.

But hell no am I gonna do what I'm doing in poly. No more finance! NO no no!

That was my first big thing in my life at the moment. For now it's just waiting.

Work was fine this work. I knock off before 7.30pm almost everyday! What more can I ask for? More pay rise?!

Certainly hope so.

Sick sick sick... I'm feeling sick.

Anyways after thinking for so long and searching. Getting lost and confused in between. I've finally made up my mind.

Watched "The pursuit of Happyness" yesterday night. Well not a bad show. An inspiration show.

"Don't ever let anyone stop you from doing what you dream. Not even me."

That was what Will Smith said to his son in the show.

The cutest dude in the whole show!

Next thing.

Barclays and ABN Amro intend to merge.

Barclays, ABN Amro in talks to create banking giant
Posted: 20 March 2007 0444 hrs

ONDON : Dutch bank ABN Amro and British banking group Barclays on Monday confirmed they were in "early and exploratory" talks over a possible merger to create the world's fifth-largest bank.

Shares in ABN Amro had soared 9.6 percent earlier on press reports that Barclays wanted to make an offer to buy the Dutch group.

"Barclays PLC confirms that it is in exclusive preliminary discussions with ABN Amro Holding NV concerning a potential combination of the two organisations which will create value for both sets of shareholders," Barclays, the third-biggest British bank, said in a statement.

"These discussions are the result of careful consideration to create a highly complementary partnership. The talks are at an early and exploratory stage and there can be no certainty that they will lead to a transaction."

A takeover by Barclays of ABN Amro would create a group with a market capitalisation of more than US$160 billion (120 billion euros), making it the world's fifth-biggest behind Citigroup, Bank of America, both of the United States, China's ICBC and British rival HSBC.

The combined enterprise would have 47 million clients and employ 220,000 people in 50 countries.

Analysts viewed a tie-up as being positive for ABN Amro which is under pressure from some of its shareholders who want to break it up.

"After recent activist investors pushing ABN to break-up, a merger with a highly respected bank as Barclays may not be something they could refuse," Dresdner Kleinwort analysts James Eden and Ian Gordon said in a research note before the announcement.

The Dutch bank, which has big interests in emerging economies, is facing break-up demands from hedge fund investors The Children's Investment Fund (TCI) and Toscafund, which want management to sell assets separately to make profits for shareholders.

Meanwhile, analysts said that Barclays could also face competition for ABN Amro from other banks, including BNP Paribas or Societe Generale in France, US-based Wachovia and Spain's Banco Santander Central Hispano. They are all thought to be interested in acquiring parts of the ABN Amro empire.

Barclays's stock dropped 0.8 percent to 677 pence on Monday.

"The value of ABN broken up is more than the whole. Royal Bank of Scotland or Wachovia could buy ABN's US and Treasury businesses, while Santander could buy its Brazilian and European retail banking businesses," said Magnus
Mathewson, banks analyst at stockbroker Hitchens Harrison.

A deal between Barclays and ABN Amro was first mooted two years ago but was torpedoed by the chief executive of the Dutch bank, Rijkman Groenink.

Groenink had insisted then that cultural, legislative and governance differences meant that ABN Amro would be the "junior" partner in the deal and would be "absorbed" by Barclays.

The market capitalisation of Barclays is currently 44.3 billion pounds while ABN Amro is 39.1 billion pounds, so the difference in size persists.

Barclays said last month that its net profit surged to a record 4.571 billion pounds last year, while ABN Amro announced a rise in profit of 7.6 percent to 4.78 billion euros for 2006. - AFP/de.

Question,question,question.

I'm sick of it and am tired of it for the day. All my energy are drained thinking and thinking.

Thinking about my future. Thinking what I should do.

I'm trying so hard to relax now and stop thinking at least for today.

So vexed over it.

I'm feeling kind of sucky,down and irritated. About what I don't know. Probably it's just coming back.

My mood just took a 360 degree turn when I came back.

It was calm and peaceful at first.

Out out out. I need to get out of this place.

Been thinking about my future. My studies.

The thought of studying overseas was one of the options in my list but money has always got to get into the picture and spoil everything. And so from studying overseas,I changed my mind to working overseas. At least I'm going over for a source of income.

Question: Can I survive all alone out there?

yes I can. It's a challenge.

The other thing is to move out and stay. why? Cause I wanna be independent.

Ok bullshit. I don't wanna stay with my sisters that's the reason. Partially. Probably if I move out and see them once in awhile, I'll learn how to appreciate them for who they are. It takes a person to realise how important someone else is when you lose it. I'm doing it that way and I think it's better. Probably our relationship would improve slightly.

I've always tell my friends don't be so mean to your siblings but I don't practice what I preach. It's true. Cause I'm like that to them and I don't want it to happen to my friends.

I hate to poke my nose into my sisters' affairs and try to tell myself that what they do has got nothing to do with me. Egoistic as it may seems. Selfish I may appear to people. But I'm leaving it the way it is cause life would be so much simplier and easier.

Work was good today. Left early and headed back to SP band to made payment for the Japan trip.
Yup am going Japan with SP band in June.

Going back just brought back so many memories and they will playing "Highlights from Chess".

Oh boy how I miss those players when we're in year 1. Had so much fun!

Caught up with some peeps, had a really short talk but t'was good enough.

Dinner was settled at Holland V with aud and weiloong. As usual Jo was missing. So we've gotta plan another outing.

Took time off tml from work to give tuition in the morning. Feeling so guilty but it makes me even more guilty that my student is not really doing well. Anyways it's an hour only and work only comes in after 10. So it would be just in time when i'm in.

Gonna catch the a movie with Swee wah tml. =)



All set to see some hot dudes!!! =)

The sound of my alarm intruded into my precious sleep and gave me the worse feeling I could ever wake up with.

I dragged myself out of my bed and walk sleepily to the bathroom to take my bath while thinking what would be the attire for the day. And so I decided to go for a lazy choice. One that I could just take from the cupboard and not iron.

Put it on but didn't exactly felt great.

Just when you know that monday blues are terrible enough, work has always gotta poke it's "nose" into it.

The HK system that I was using to process my transactions were super duper slow!! How slow? Slow enough that if it was a living thing, I would strangle him to death with all my patience already ran out. For 11 freaking hours, I had to bear with the system. Everybody was frustated.
And I had a high volume today, definitely more than 100, and processing alone. I stayed till 1015pm.

Am so tired and worn out now. Gonna have a good sleep. It's yet another day tml.

Okies before going to bed. Some photos to share when I went to bintan for team building.

View from our room

The swimming pool.

And yes!!! Our room!!!

Despite that,I still went ahead to take a photo there. =)

My best roomie for 2 nights!

The nice and soothing "Killing me softly" from my windows media player is getting me so relax. And getting tipsy and lay back with the Susan wong's voice.

Jazz,Jazz. The wonderful relaxing effect it has on such a quiet night with just me and my lappie.

Time now is 11.58pm. Been wanting to update about what was going on in my life since 9? or maybe earlier. ha... but chatting and "Ugly Betty" has took it away. =)

So I'm back here trying to update this blog of mine.

Pretty good week. Work was ok. Knocking off slightly earlier as compared to the other times. 9pm. Not much of early I can talk about but still hoping for a better change.

Mid-march is coming and I've yet to do something so important. That is to sign up for Uni. I've everything planned. No. It was changing and changing. But now that I've decided, I'm afraid of taking a step forward.

The initial plan was to sign up and do full-time in marketing and leave ABN in july.Now it's to take part-time in marketing and continue to work full-time in ABN. But the problem is that I'm not sure to go for a course that goes along with my interest or a course that would guarantee a bright career prospect.

Probably interest would be a better choice. Anyways anyhow, we'll see. Gotta get it done real soon.

Anyways went to watch a concert at Esplande with Arvin yesterday. Performance by "Tower of Power". Really good band. Good vocalist,drummer. Every one were good. The crowd was good too. Everybody was dancing. "Young at heart" was what I could see yesterday.

The kind of music from dreamgirls. Found better choice of music. Thanks to Arvin's recommendation. Wouldn't have had such a good time. Made my 60 bucks worth it all.


And yeah some pics from "Dreamgirls".

Boy oh boy!! I love Keith Robinson!! They should just change the roles of Jamie Foxx(Jimmy) and Keith Robinson (C.C). But well come to think of it. I think I just had a change of mind! Cause in the show Jimmy was some big time arse! So C.C is too nice. We'll jsut leave it that way. He being the nice,charming and talented songwrite who produce music with da'soul! =)

Oh man. I love Blacks! Auds love whites.

Love this scence. Jennifer Hudson(played Effie white) was so passionate. Really touching scence. Being abandon and helpless with a lose of direction. Love the character,Effie.

Okies tat's all folks!

Ciaoz! =D

Don't say I didn't try... I did k. =)

Anyways, dad bought dinner back for mum and I. And since I rarely see them and have dinner with them. Thought it would be good to have dinner with them in the kitchen since I'm home early.
I'm not the kind who can sit and just eat in the kitchen. I need TV!! I need to watch and eat at the same time.

I know it's bad for stomach. Indigestion. But sorry! It's a habit already. Hard to kick off. Never want to anyways.

So hard for trying. When they finished their food, I'm not even a 1/4 done. =)

In the end I still ended up in front of the tv...

I just SNAPPED my long hair! =)

yup your eyes are not playing tricks on you.

I snapped it real short. How short?

It's just really short. =D

A MAJOR BIG change.

Finally march has come. Have been in abn for 7 mths plus and how time flies.

Thinking back... I didn't know how I could survive those times when I was so stressed up and doing near 200 transactions alone. Staying to 10+ 11 almost everyday. Any healthy human would just fall sick. And I was almost on the verge of collapsing and giving up.

But well things are back in order now. Going back at 7 or 8 is more possible.

Probably God knew that I could not claim OT anymore from this month onwards. And have upgraded from giving one month notice to 3 months notice if I ever wanna quit.

No more OT claims and joining the 3 months notice for resignation club doesn't sound good at all huh.

But it would look good on my resume in future. Something that I can be proud of.

So I'm not sure if this promotion is good or not.

Well... will see how it goes. Guess it won't be that bad with God around.

Haven been updating for quite awhile. Busy with work and everything. Leave was well spent doing things that I should.

Had a good break... a long weekends last week. Took half day on friday and full day on monday. Monday was well spent with Jess. She's been here for almost a month and I haven got much time to spend with her since she came back from Perth.

Took the day off. And just like the good o'days, we went shopping like crazy. I spent like 200 over bucks buying.... a pair of jeans,a skirt, a wallet, 2 tops, 2 bags and 3 watches. if I didn't miss out anything it should be all. There was supposed to be a dinner gathering with her brother,my sisters and a couple of our friends. But thing just went the other way and in the end it was cancelled. And we went separate ways to meet our friends.

Wat else did I do.

Watched "Dreamgirls". DAMN! Hell of a good show! I wanna watch it again! well tat's if I have the time to. But I'm so gonna get the sound track. Best show ever.

Okies... gonna zionk out.