Fear. A distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid. Or it can be explain as concern or anxiety; solicitude.

Stress. The importance or significance attached to a thing; emphasis: to lay stress upon good manners. Which in this case, it's not what I'm talking about. It's more of a physical, mental, or emotional strain or tension.

Stress level is slowly building up. And at this time, I'm losing all the sleep that I'm suppose to have. Energy is using up but not replenished for me to go further. I could be so tired when I reached home,almost drained and dead. But as I lie low on my bed, I can't sleep. Finally when I'm into dreamland, I found myself awake checking the time on my hp. And that was only an hour or so of sleep. To fall asleep again, it would be 3-4 hours later and waking up at intervals of 1-2 hours.

As usual, sleep was the way it was. Despite that had to wake up at 8 in the morning for service. Still it was a long day ahead. No matter how sleepy, I had to get it going. Student's exams are round the corner. To be exact. 2 more weeks. At this point of time, I really hope that God could give me more than 24 hours a day. Maybe 48 hours? yea. 2 days in one day. I could do tons of things. I could go through as much as I want.

Responsibility is the thing that makes the word "STRESS" look even bigger than ever. Time is running out. I know. The tiring thing is that I have to run after it. The cruel fact? Time waits for no man. I don't mind skipping dinner or losing sleep, or even teach till the wee hours, so long as they do well.

Feeling stressful is already a big burden. At the same time, I'm fearful. I have so many things running through my head. I was holding to it so firmly and I thought I have gotten over it. In fact,convinced myself. And I have come close to losing it, something that I struggled so hard to hold on to. Now. I would gripped on to it real tight. So tight that no one can take it away from me.

My fear?

Everything just happen all at a time. I've to face it alone and try to do it alone. There's no one who can help me or go through it with me. No one. I'm not even sure if I can get it right yet I have to get it right.

A week has finally past. It wasn't the kind of week that I thought it would be like. It seem so long on monday that saturday is coming. And now it's already saturday. Finally a day for just myself to sort out my thoughts.

So much things had happen this week. Bitter,sweet,sour and spicy. I had it all. One after another. Have not been sleeping well. Turn in early, divert my calls to my voicemail. But still I just could not sleep through. I woke up every intervals of 3-4 hours.

Went to bed at 9 on monday. But was haunted by worst nightmare that one could ever had. Work. 888......3414.... 888.....8697....5,000,000.... Figures. yes it keep flashing in my head,before my eye. Something that I do everyday,suddenly I seem stuck. I could not even get a simple payment done.

I open my eyes in fear and tried forgetting abt it. But once I shut my eyes. There it goes again.

It wasn't the same for the next couple of days but getting into a deep and proper sleep was impossible. Wish I could take one large sleeping pill and just knock out. Wanted to get it from Hannah ytd but I had an appt which was cancelled this morning.

Work was boring ytd. I finished early at 6.30. Was tired but I wanted to go for a shopping spree. From a shopping spree to waiting for an hour plus at the salon for Hannah to get her hair cut and highlight. Boy!! Never knew I had so much patience! Thankfully I had the company of my MP3 player that I would die without it.

Pretty stylist haircut! The reason she took so long was because!!! Her hairstylist said! Your friend is so stylist! You can't lose to her!! haha... MAN! He's so cute!! Made me happy cause this! was coming from a hairstylist, that knew how to appreciate it!

Headed to Bugis for a SHORT shopping, manage to bought a dress at a steall of 22 bucks! And met up with Wei Shan. Spent sometime at Breko. Had salad for dinner, well it's still better than nothing. Talk and had a good laugh!

As usual. Hannah was rushing me to talk to my mum and asked if I could move out and stay! OH!!! I just love the idea of it!! The smell of freedom... oh no! not freedom . I have that already! it's INDEPENDENCE!!! The whole idea of it just excites me!! I've always wanted to move out and learn how to be independent.

It would be even better that I could leave this place. Study overseas. Due to restrictions! uh huh... like money! I was thinking maybe I could finished up my studies here and get a job overseas!! Perfect plan!

While reading, I'm not sure if you can feel how I feel or the kind of feeling that I'm giving. The desperateness of leaving this place. The desire for a whole new environment and experience. There are so much more out there to see.

Thought of joining world vision to third world countries to help, perharps from there I'm able to learn that my problems are far incomparable to what they are going through. We worried about what to eat for lunch,what we should wear to work to look good,what brand of shampoo is good. But there's only one thing on these people's mind. I survived through today but what about tml?

A question that would never be asked by most of us here.

oh well... all these are the plans I have in mind. I still have to complete my studies and get my degree.

Talking about degree! I went for my interview at UniSim! I got accepted! for the JUL 08 intake! Cause I met NONE of their criteria!! I had to be 21 and above and 2 years working experience!!! What a joke!! But the lady was kind enough to tell me what I could do. I didn't know what to do after she said that. Are you trying to tell me that I can get in and have to try next yr?! But fortunately she accepted me. So I'll have to wait till Jan 08 to take some certificate programmes which are modules in the course and when I start in Jul I could be exempted. At least time is saved! =)

Funny huh!! When you applied for it, they didn't call and tell me. Instead asked me to go for an interview. But if i'm not wrong, I think the place is secured. Gotta wait for their call. So now I don't have to save so much! At least I can spend a tiny bit! Not too much of cause!

Caught "300" on thursday! oh boy!!!THE SPARTANS!!! I could pay for another time to see their SIZZLING SEXY hot bodies!!! Each and every one of them!!! Of cause the main point isn't that. Lazy to type more. So just read up or watch it for those we have not!!

Time to PACK!

I've always believe that everyone around me,people i know and don't know, are all pure and innocent. At least that's the way I chose to look at people. Everyone is good.

But as the truth are uncovered before my eyes. I realise I was wrong. The world is not made up of only the good ones. Balance is the word. The bad ones balance it.

Everyone of us,when born into this world, we brought nothing with us. We don't even know what lying is. And if the world wasn't that complicated and if humans was not that vulnerable, till today we won't know what lie is. People lie to get what they want. People lie so that they can run away from responsibilities.

That incident. Has taught me the greatest lesson in my life. Don't trust men.

Each time I look back , I feel so ashame of myself. For not being able to be strong and breakdowning in front of so many people. And this kind of feeling makes me feel pathetic of myself. Pride and dignity. I've lost it that time. And I vow that I won't breakdown in front of anyone else! Not for anything. Especially for some stupid issue.

You may think I'm silly and stupid. You may feel that I'm just a pathetic girl trying too hard. But that's the only way I can protect myself from having another wound which would heal but leave a scar forever.

I have to be tough and strong. Even if i'm not. I have to act tough. To not get hurt.

The world is changing. In fact too fast. People are having different concepts now. So different that sometimes I wonder am I too outdated and conservative or people are just too open-minded.

Sometimes the relationship between some girls and guys are just so complicated. Some could bring themselves to toy with people's feelings. Not anyone in specifically.

Question. How could they ever bear to do it?

I did ever thought of not being serious,have some flings and play with people's feelings. But I realise I can't. I can't bring myself to be so cruel to people. The thought of vulnerable ones going through that process.

Don't we all belong to the same species? How could one wonderful creation be so cruel to another. Leaving ugly scars on their hearts, that no matter how much he/she trys to conceal. You could see it in her eyes when she's deep in thoughts.

It's the state I'm in now. Scars that gives me the fear of trusting anyone,not even my closest one.

I remember Aud once said that I'm too independent. Independent? I never thought this word would be used on me. Never ever did I think I was.

This was what she replied.

"Sometimes I still wanna depend on my mother on some things."

I think otherwise. I didn't wanna depend on my mum ever since I came out to work. Though she still gives me pocket money. If i'm accepted for Uni. I'm gonna support myself through the years of uni. Working full-time and studying part-time is not gonna be easy. But I'll do it. I would rather suffer for a few years than to depend on my parents or my relatives. That is. Another stage to go through to be even stronger,since i'm the eldest in the family.

However tough it is, I will not give up. I'm not gonna let anyone see the weak me.

Enough said till here. Too much to digest.

Anyways caught 2 movies recently.


Watched "The number 23" last night. Pretty ok show. Abit of twist and turns. But!!

"Freedom writers" is highly recommended. =)

This scence was really touching. What this kids had gone through are things that were not happen when it was 1992 in Singapore. And also the part that they realise some adult is listening to them like they never before.

The debate session. Totally no idea what they were arguing about. Probably the battle between the 2 sexes.Respect.

Lastly! Ain't he Charming!!

I'm giving way. My body is. My mind is.

I'm stressed up and tired. One week five days I worked almost 10-12 hours. Probably longer for some people. But for me. It's tiring. And weekends I'll have to run around for tuition. And stress is building up on my shoulder that I can no longer lift it up.

My students' exams are round the corner. Probably in 3 weeks time. And I've so much things to do. I'm worried about their results. Worried for them. To me,their bad results is my failure.

Time is just running out. And because of work. Having tuition on weekdays are always so difficult. By the time I finish, it would be too late to go over. And I can't just throw my work to my authoriser. It makes me feel irresponsible.

Told Eanna and Lydia that I'll have to leave early during late aprils and may. I feel guilty.

Am I too responsible or what? I hate leaving my work to someone else to do just cause I need to rush off. It pisses me off. Though my bosses don't mind. They knew from the very first day that I was giving tuition.

And I've never thought of giving up anyone of the 3. They are my students but the kind of close relationship it's more than a student-tutor kind of relationship. I'm not sure how they feel, but that's how I feel.

At times they do pissed me off for not doing their work. But when worries sets in, anger is just nothing at all.

Well just gonna hang in there for one more day. After which it's a long weekend. From thursday to monday and back to work on tuesday.

Pretty packed for all the days. In fact all packed up!

Gotta head to bed. The pain in my head is making me insane!