ok I'm not trying to boast or whatever. But I just think I'm so capable!!

Now, now... Listen to my explanation first~

I'm supposed to organise a chalet for my secondary school class. And so I've got ruben to help me. To check the availability of the chalets and see if we could get it cheaper!

And in between lots of things screw up!! Our chalet is planned next week and it's not even booked yet!! Wonderful!! He got back to me this afternoon!

"joyce, call me when u are free can? problem here..."

Oh boy! It must be the chalet I thought to myself! well true enough it was...

Double storeys are fully booked and no discount for weekends! Great! Wonderful!! Thought of having a better environment for them, so that they can relax and stop complaining but I guess my ears can't be spare!!

And I couldn't go online cause I was in school for the hollaback crew thingy! How I wish I could just go online and settle it myself!!

I got him to check everything... And Ruben was confused by what he see!!! If I was beside him, I would have whack him already! ugh.

NOW!! I know why MOST of the high rank position in a company are held by WOMAN!!

In the end, I still have to do it myself. Gotta call them tml... blah blah blah...

And when everything is settled I've gotta buy the bbq food!

I seriosuly think that everything would screw up if I wasn't there to organise and do everything. I wanted to get rid of the responsibility of organising chalet! Now! I guess it's with me for the rest of my life!!

But well! It's not ruben's fault! He's not too bad... Just a little more practice would do!!

Anyways I'm feeling so stressed up now! Very!! The chalet! Hollaback crew!! Money!! Oh god!! I need some rest!!

Oh bloody shit!! I fell down just now when I was walking down the stairs in school!! And I was on the phone with my mum!! Thank God my phone was alright!!! But just that my butt was so painful that I couldn't get up until awhile later.

And now it still hurts!! Ouch!!

Hollaback crew is THIS SAT!!! It's just so fast!!! and auds, jo and I went attire hunting just now! Was not really a success but ah... We already got an idea of what to wear.

Btw!! THe hollaback crew is this sat, 1 apr at the padang!! Starting at 3pm!! so peeps! If you are free! Go down and support Pussymao k!! Can catch other fantastic groups too!!

I just hope we can get into the finals!!! Which is at the Indoor stadium!!!

till then folks!!

A thinker

Suddenly I thought, what am I doing to my life?

It's already 3.26am and I'm still bloody hell awake!! My biological clock has totally turned upside down. And everyday without fail. Sleep at 4-5+ and wake up like 2+ in the afternoon. That's the kind of like I'm leading now. But I would stay home for as long as I can so as to prevent myself from spending. And it is proving effective.

Cause when I went out with my sisters and Mailina today. I bought 4 pairs of earring, a bottle of perfume, an umbrella and undies! yup... Now you know why I have to stay home in order to curb my horrible spending habit. It just goes way out of hand too often!

Ever wonder why I wanna stop myself from shopping?

To date I have not been buying clothes. And I'm still trying to stop myself from being too obsessed with shopping.

"crazy","why"...

Are these the words that you are thinking or saying out now?

Ya. In fact shopping is fun! It's good! Why torture yourself and be a shopaholic! It's so stupid doing this.

But never a moment did I thought it was a stupid choice. Throughout the years, the number of clothes I have are just totally increasing though I tried to clear away some clothes but it never seems to decrease. I bought necessary stuff... unnecessary stuff.... You won't want to know. Just take today for example... I've already got 2 umbrellas and I got one today.

But lately it suddenly occured to me that money is just way to important in this cruel world that you and I live in. Everything is about money. And only by saving, it then would give a sense of security. I'm trying to save up for my sweden trip, so my mum don't have to pay...

It doesn't mean that I won't go shopping anymore. I would still go but try to spend less. It's something so difficult to achieve. And for a matter of fact, I think it is gonna fail. I won't start making promises like give you guys a treat if I failed. I know it's nice to know that. But it was only for a period of time.

So maybe I'll just work this out alone together with God.

Tml is just gonna be brain racking day for the hollaback crew. Preparation for it is still way too far from almost done. In fact almost done is still not done yet. Always remind me of Mr Tan's "Almost there yet, but not there yet."

I was just going through some of my friends' friendster. It's just amazing how all of us has change. What would it be like if all of us be back at the old school sitting down for a chat. It's difficult to keep in contact with some people. And the few that you keep in contact with are the ones that you would cherish for the rest of your life.

The connections of people in life are just to amazing to describe.

Currently, I'm just thinking of food! Cause I'm hungry!!! But it's turning in soon.

So I'll just sleep my hunger away.

okies and so today was the live interview on 98.7fm...

I woke up super duper early like 6.30am!! To bath and get ready! Hell big time man!! The last time I woke up at 6+ was during my itp period! But well... it was ok la... Not really a hell of a time. I'm just complaining.

And despite waking up early to get ready we were still late... why? Cause I couldn't hail a cab! We waited for like 20mins!! Like hello?! Where are all the cabbies!!! And when we finally got a cab!! The uncle was pissed to find out that I would be going to 5 places?! But why?!! Ain't it good?! He has business you know!! You should have see his face man!! It's already so dark!! Now it's black like charcoal!! All the pick-up points were on the way what... Don't know what's wrong with him. Probably it's just the usual morning mood swings? Or maybe it's PMS!

Hey guys get them too k! Just not too often as compared to we ladies!!

We reached mediacorp radio at like 8+ when we were supposed to be on standby by 745am! Ugh. so sorry man! Justin and Vernon!

But both of them were kind or rather good enough. And we finally reached the station. And we got through this small pathway and by pass the first room! And it was Class 95fm morning Djs... Glenn and Flying dutchman! Then next it was 98.7fm... We greeted Justin and Vernon with a big hello and sorry!!

And we had to do this impromptu thingy... And I made a mistake!! haha... ah! but who cares!! The interview lasted for like 10 mins or so... And we were off!! Auds and the rest was expecting to see Shan wee and Jamie Yeo. But it seems like they went home disappointed!! But no worries!! We'll get to see him soon again!!

That's it!! 10+ interview and we took a cab from home and back home! I was back home like 9+... while people are going for work. Had my breakfast and watch some vcd... And I'm off to sleep again!! =)

yaya.. call me a big for all you want... I slept till like 4+! If I could I would have slept more but I couldn't cause I had to attend my sister's teachers and parents interaction session! haha... weird right.

Anyways I took as an opportunity to go and visit some teachers. Saw Ms Lio, Mr Lee and Darren Chong. And you bet Mr Lee look so much older...

But my top priority there was definitely not this, it was for my sister's results and horible attitude in school. But what can I say man! She has gotta straighten out things herself since she's already 17... I've heard the same old thing from her since I went to see her teachers when she was in sec 2!

Oh!! I had already register with HSS as relief teacher. I was thinking since that's my sec school... Might as well just go. After all that's the place that gave me most of my beautiful memories...

So I'll just have to wait for their call... And I really hope I can start soon! Cause I need to save up for Sweden!!!

Currently sitting on the bed while watching tv... And the discussion is on crazy ktv-ing!

But well topic is not gonna be about that. Cause I'm totally blank brain-ed.

Anyways my cousin is back from the first 3 weeks of BMT. Besides turning darker, he didn't seem to loss much weight. It's always that people would loss lots of weight when they enter NS. But not him. And finally I found out why? He took 3 days MC. But still it won't make much of a diff right.

Anyways I've been staying home the whole day! And I quite of like it! NO! in fact I love it!!

haha... ok I think this entry is not getting anywhere! Cause I can't think of what to write! And my 2 freaking sisters are making a DIN in the room!! They just can't stop talking!!! It doesn't matter if they talk but they can't talk softly!!

Damn!

And so results was released this morning at 8.30am when I was still sound asleep. I woke up at 10.45am only to remember that I had to wake up to catch my show!! =D

And it was until like mid-way through the show then I recalled about my results. funny huh!

Well passed all! Not gonna step into SP to study anymore!!! yeah!! That's life man!! That's the best thing that can ever happen!

It wasn't really good results but I've got an A for maths! ya kill me if I get a "B". The rest was just C's! So it's still bad!! But who cares if I'm never gonna get back to SP to study! so... It's a good thing... goody good!

Oh yeah. I had a really long and hilarious conversation with mar-bitch yesterday!! hahha... I really meant funny. From msn to the phone. Which just can't stop getting us laughing. We are just ful of shit!! And I was high from olive oil and deprivation of sleep.

"Content to the conversation is not convinent for disclosure. And are subject to changes. Better changes."

haha... *evil grinx*

I just can't wait for that day man. Girls' night!! Lots of talking, lots of crapping and LOTS OF BITCHING!!! Just gotta confirm with sufen!!

And oh ya! we came out with a proper name for rojak gang! We shall be called the cute-retard-bitches!! it's a bit too long. But it's not offical till the other members are agreeable to it! probably cu-tard bitches!! hahaha...

Ok I shall stop here... Gotta get ready for tuition soon.

Right now my eyes are just barely opening... I'm tired ever since last weekends and I can't seemed to be able to get a really good sleep.

And the worse of all, I'm feeling fat! Cause I'm feeling so bloated!!

Anyways i've been out since morning!! yes morning! I reached school at 9.05am!! But it didn't really started till like 10+... And for a 2 min show on Channel U, we took from morning till 5+ just now. Including an hour of lunch!

The things you have to do. And I was tired. Not tired from filming too much! It's tired from waiting! We waited and waited and waited!!

The hard work behind filming is just something you can't imagine! It's just exactly like preparing for a performance. It's like the chinese saying: "Tai xia shi nian gong, tai shang shi fen zhong"

And despite the whole day of "hard work", we still had to go down for rehearsal or rather discussion for the hollaback crew thingy. But by then we were all brain dead. I was talking for the first hour, but after that it was total silence. Cause nothing was coming out and I was tired and pissed already. And just at this time, people are not focusing. That's the biggest prob that we had to solve if we need to get things done.

Anyways gonna go mediacorp studio for a live recording on friday morning!! 8am!! can u imagine!! There goes my sleep!! But for pussy mao! For 30k!! I'm doing anything that it's still acceptable to me!

I just hope we can get into the finals man!! It's at Indoor stadium!!! But reality is always cruel!! one group has gotta be out from each catergory! But it's rather lame. 12 groups entered semi-finals. 6 from under 17 cat and 6 from over 17 cat. and semi-finals they are just eliminating 1 group each. how funny is that. it's just weird...

ok at this moment, I almost blog about something that I should not! And Thank God there's still a little clearness in my tired mind! if not too many peoplewould find out. And I've to do all the explaining! Seesh.

And finally after giving me her blog add for weeks, I finally went to read sufen's blog. And I'm just so glad that you feels comfortable confiding in me. Cause almost everything I say, she feels it's right!! =D *grinx*

I'm so proud of myself!! haha... But I'm just so glad I could make a difference to someone's life! Or rather all my bitches life!!

OH!! I though of a new name for rojak gang! Bitchy bitches? or Bitchy rojak? or retard-bitchy? Aiya.... I don't know man!! We'lll discuss it one night!!

We will!!

Come to think of it! I just find it so funny! My dear mar-bitch has been reading my blog for a long time! And she NEVER! tags!! She either tell me face to face or ask me on msn! Just how cute is that! Perharps it's normal! But I'm just trying to tell you guys SHE'S CUTE!!!

okies it's 11:58am and I'm tired. So I'm just getting abit high with what I say. Probably high with olive oil! =0)

But it's cool! Cause sometimes it doesn't makes any sense!

And now it's still not making any sense, cause it has no link to the above thing I had just said abt mar-bitch!

I miss fen-bitch! And Jerm-bitch! too! oh! Might as well just call ourselves roj-bitches!! Jo-bitch!! ahahha....

Jo-bitch is just so smart!!!

Ah crap! But I still think it sounds nice!! =p

hehe... you guys agree with me? probably after reading this entry and mar happen to see me online. She will answer me on msn! =D

That's all folks! Ciaoz!

ok finally picked what I'm gonna wear tml...

And you know what! I actually find that I have nothing much to wear! funny huh! haha...

Anyways the reason for choosing my attire tml is because I have filming tml and my character is a femining girl.

so i'm SUPPOSED to wear pink top and skirt.

I don't know how I'm gonna look feminie with what I've choosen. Seesh.

It's just another busy day tml....

"dead"

okies! I'm so dead!! I'm so tired! Worn out!! Wat a weekend man!! Deprive of sleeps!! A

And for all you know! I get serious mood swings when I don't get enough sleep! I laughed easily but i get pissed off even faster!

And despite being tired, I had a whole of plans for the whole day!! And I really mean whole day! From morning to night.

It was church in the morning. And DISNEY ON ICE in the afternoon!!! It's darn good man!! If you had missed it this year, better go this year!! And I know somewhere out there, someone is so DARN jealoues of me!! haha.. =D so jealous. you know who you are!! haha... STUDY HARD!!! =P

It was touching!! And my tutee's parents paid for it! why? cause I had to bring their daughter to go watch. But nah I'm not the kind of person. I'll pay them back but not directly cause they actually called and asked me not to give nini any money! so probably I'll just buy a gift! =D

See, I'm so nice!! hah...

okies. so anyways, I met up with Ruben, halim and Kar heng for dinner! And this group of guys just can't stop making me laugh!!

And you know! I had free dinner!! We went to Ramanten, which I think the food totally sucks!!
Oh well but tat's not the point. the point is that halim dared me to drink the concentrated wasabi with soya sauce... And I just drank it!! I don't know why, but probably it's because I'm just too tired. But anyways I got my treat! Thanx boy! haha...

And it was swenses's ice cream after that!

Holy shit man!! I'm gonna put on tonnes of weight man!! I've gotta exercise!!

But before that it's good rest!! But now i'm stilling chatting on the phone with 2 arses!!

Oh!! the 3 guys went sentosa today! And caught 9 sea snails! actually I don't know what you call them but it's just that!! And I don't know how I they gonna survive without food man!! May God bless them!!

"A life of generousity brings abundant rewards."

as my blog add goes....

emotional-biatch.blogspot.com..... Like how it goes, it was a day filled with lots of emotions...

laziness,stress,anxiety,laughter,overwhelming joy(yes noticed the word "overwhelming"),sian-ness,anger,fear,emptiness and tears.

yup wow~!

so I will just explain what happen today.

Got up super early like 730 to bath and consider the fact that I slept at 4+...ya so as usual I was lazing on my bed. Had to reach school at 9 to rehearse through the hollaback crew thingy! Cause we, the percussionist, had not had a single rehearsal together.

And ya our group name is pussymaos.

Headed down to the Arts House at 11+ to register... And ya we didn't even rehearse as a whole group before!! We had only had our one and only rehearse in the audition room, which we screwed up, and that's all. We gotta get our arse out of there.

We were super stressed cause we only did this thing in 3 days! the chances of getting through it's like one tiny winy little percent.

And so it was our turn! Not really nervous. or rather I should say I'm quite used to such to such things already. Just go there played and enjoyed. Everything went well. The dancers were feeling the beat as compared to the previous time. Rappers doing well. Screwed up a couple of parts! Within few mins, everything ended.

OH OH!! And Shan wee was the host for the audition!! He's so darn cute!! OH god! But well guys like him are meant for fantasizing only. He's just too good to be true for people like me.

So we played a little game while waiting for the judges to consolidate the marks!

And it was time for RESULTS!!

It was really a heart at the throat experience man!! We were really scared! And they announced the last group.

PUSSYMAOS!!!!!!

YES!!! SCREAMSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WE GOT THRU TO THE SEMI-FINALS!!!

we were like flying man!! Some of the girls cried!! haha... 3 days of work!! We got through!! Holy crap. Can you believe this?!!

The semi-finals is held at the Padang on the 1st apr!! Yes I know it's April's fool day!! But it's NOT!! I hope not! haha...

OK!! I'm not saying for the fun of just sharing!! I'm telling you guys!! TO GO SUPPORT PUSSYMAOS!!!!!!

and after the screams and shouting, it was back to work. Jerm,Jo,Auds and I had to carry the instruments back to the band room. And it was lunch time!! At staff centre, which I think the food is improving!! Finally!! Probably there were lots of complains! So they sacked the previous chef. =)

And it was church. But by then I was totally exhausted already. And after church, headed to Bethel Assembly of God for another service. It's part of a conference, Synerg!z. The night service was free. so since we didn't had time for the workshops, at least the worship!! It's fantastic!

And that's where the fears and tears come from. I couldn't stop crying. I just felt so unworthy but yet He loves me so. The things he did. I had never cried like tat ever since that incident.

Okies. I can't go on anymore.Cause I'm really dead beat already. I need sleep! Gotta wake up at 8 tml!

It's sunday! yes it's sunday and I wanna rest at home!! But I have a day full of activities.

My student's parents are treating me to watch Disney on Ice! =D

Ciaoz!

at this moment of time, i'm using my laptop. why?

Cause my com is screwed up, it restarts by itself all of a sudden. And to a dummy like me I don't know how to deal with it. I'm just so glad I bought this laptop.

well, have not been blogging for a couple of days. I'm just plain lazy.

oh btw I had my interview with MOE for my course already. And I think I screwed up BIG TIME! Didn't fare well. Tat's what i feel. But well since I have already left it to God. I will just trust my God with all my heart. SO ya. BY FAITH! That's the word!

Though I'm still thinking of it and thinking how I should have answer. But what's done is already done.

And you know what! All... oh all maybe most of the interviewees yesterday were from SP!!! Totally can't believe it! But I knew none of them!!

now it's just by faith.

So besides sleep, dinner, and lunch... I've been going back to school quite often. Cause we are taking part in the Hollaback crew thingy organise by fm98.7!!

4 Percussionist, 4 dancers from DMC and 2 rappers. Well the dancers were quite good. Seen their moves today. They are just so adorable. screaming and shouting when they got in beat! Rappers well equally good.

It would just be a whole new experience for most of us. And the thing is this sat at the Arts house. Heard that this year, the standard is better! well, we just have to go there and do our best! That is already half the battle won!

Will be down again tml, to help out... I don't know how. maybe by providing the music and watch. ya and I think it's most of the time.

And God it's a busy day tml! Gotta be down at school then watch a stage drama at NUS. Hope it's goood. Cause the person who invited us to watch,ruiming, actually told us that it's boring and it would be ok that we don't go. But being the nice me! haha... Since I promised him, I will keep my word!! well what to do. I'm a woman of my word! =P

And afer that, it's the rojak gang gathering!!! finally!! Oh man!! I missed my bitches!! I miss you like crazy!! I miss you, miss you, miss you!! haha...

Oh well mar bitch is studying hard for her exams right now. gave a call just now and she sound so tired and dead. it just pains me to see you like tat you know. haha... anyways!! Work hard k!!! It's gonna be over soon!! I will pray for ya k!!!

I JUST CAN'T WAIT BITCHING WITH YOU GUYS!!!

hmm... I've been having so many dinners and lunch recently. Probably it's just time to repay back my friends the time i owe them when I was in poly. But I would love that!

and omg I'm super hungry now~~!! Shit man! I've really gotta stop this habit of mine! If I don't eat, I totally don't eat. If I eat, I eat like a stupid mad cow!! What's wrong man!!

argh. heck.

And I'm missing some of my classmates like mei and shunli!! I have not gone out with them for ages!! AGES!! I've better gotta meet up with them next week.

And I've got class chalet next week. And I'm not sure to go or not. Still deciding. Proabably not. Or rather i can't make it.

OK i'm off to watch tv till morning!! I just love SCV!! with all the repeated shows!

On this dark and lonely cold night, at one part of the earth there is still someone wide awake. Lying on her bed, tossing and turning.

She's just thinking. Thinking and thinking. She can never seem to stop and just get to sleep. She thinks then she laugh. she thinks then she gets angry. and finally she thinks and cry.

And that night, she cried. She though of the aftermath of the incident. The fear that she had.

she put herself into a situation when someone tells her that he likes her.

she was taken aback. But later on, tears came rolling down her cheeks.

It wasn't tears of joy. It was tears of fear. The fear that these 3 words were out to hurt and harm her. And she couldn't stop crying and she just keep questioning.

She stil could not trust.

And the person happens to be me.

When I start writing this entry, I had only knew what to write the part above. I have totally no idea what's gonna be continued from here. probably somehow.

Despite having all these fears, all those things that happen. I'm still so blessed. Blessed with God's grace.

I look back at the things that happen this week, and compare with how I felt the past few nights.

Depression,lost,hatred,jealousy and blaming my stupidity. I blame myself so much for always screwing up things. And no doubt! I always am. And I hate myself for that. I blame myself for losing some opportunities that I can actually grab it right in front with both my hands. But still i missed it.

But besides love, the thing that always screwed up for me, everything else was fine. I had a wonderful group of friends. Ok I know I've mention it like a zillion times. But it just goes showing that my friends are so lovely that! I can't stop talking about them!

The knowledge from God to teach my students and the patience that I have. And for goodness sake. you have to know that I'm a kind of impatient person when it comes to somethings.

And what can be better than this. The future that seems so blur, is getting more clear. I have received a letter from MOE to go for an interview for the course I've applied, which is Bachelor of Arts/ science (education) course.

With my grades, who would have expected it. I hated my poly life. And I didn't like my course of study. But throughout 3 years, I survived every obstacles. Even the worse ones.

Then why am I still crying and pondering over trival matters?

God loves me so much. But I don't seem to able to love myself. I find it hard.

Probably God wants me to learn how to love myself more. Cause you can't love others unless you learn to love yourself.

I didn't know what was the real meaning of loving myself more. I thought by buying lots of things for myself and thinking about myself instead of others would be loving myself. and in fact this point makes me think that I love myself too much that I'm too selfish.

But loving myself means more than that. It's not just the physical thing. There is a level higher than that. A level that is so high above almost so impossible for me to reach.

It's all of a sudden that I realise I don't love myself enough. But I just can't seem to find out where's the problem. I'm still finding. Still searching.

Therefore I think being single is a blessing to me and also to others. Staying single is definitely a blessing. I'm not even ready for such things to happen to me. I'm worried. I know, I know. you can leave this to worry later on.

But that's not the case. if the mindset of not being able to commit is there, it's a no-way to enter into a relationship that you are not even sure if you can keep it going or not.

"I kissed dating goodbye" had left a deep impact to my life, that I choose to guard my heart. But i still waver at times.

Think back. I had waver more than one time. But in the end I still stand firm in guarding this heart of mine.

I don't know how you would see this decision of mine. Probably closing up all the possible opportunities that is coming my way. It's silly, it's stupid.

But the reason behind it, is far more worth it.

I may look and act strong. but in front of my Lord, I'm just a vulnerable little girl of his. I build my faith on this rock. Put my fears on this rock.

I'm more than blessed.

And it's more than a blessing to know that you are being missed by someone. =D

Life is just like a book. There are different chapters.

And it so happen that my chapter in SP has finally come to an end. I'm waiting to start a new chapter and definitely ready to.

A fruitful day

Indeed it was a fruitful day!! After slacking at home for a couple of days! and not spending money!! I went out the whole day today!! Almost 12 hours!! I met up with 3 groups of people today!!

And I miss them so!! But among this 3 groups none of them were my rojak gang!!

Cause well, Marilyn is having exams soon! ugh. Drag right!!

Strive for the best k! my dear BITCH!!

I'm waiting for that whole load of conversationt to happen man!!

We just simply laugh our arse off during the conversation man!! I can't imagine man!!

Sufen is going to taiwan soon!! HAVE A SAFE TRIP THERE!! AND RMB TO GET THINGS BACK FOR US!! I know you were!! oh u better be!!

anyways, met up with my bd mates and cia's bd mates to give our bd lecturer a treat!! At crystal jade!! The food is not very nice!! But you must know what to eat!! The wanton noodle is nice!! Try that!! But it's abit too salty!! had an enjoyable lunch!!

2 hours plus of lunch with all kinds of conversation related to business!! haha... but still we enjoyed!!

Met up with sulian and gang... and we had high tea!! It was fantastic man!! the brownie!! I wanna have more!!

Went walking around to look for their grad ball shoes and stuff! I'm so thankful that I'm not going! imagine the money I have to spend!! goodness gracious me!

And we were chatting, oh well... it's the same old conversation!! I mean what can graduates talk about!

It's just so funny. 3 years of poly life has alrady ended! We are talking about jobs and waiting for uni. UNI?! I'm turning 20 soon!! 20!! So bloody fast!!

Ok well... after that met up with some arses who I have not met for a long long time! But still they are forever so crappy!!

"School is so bored. but nvm I still have band!"

"Cause there's Jermaine and Jocelyn to make fun of."

They never ever fail to stop making fun of both of us!!!

HEY!!! I'm still EARNING MORE THAN YOU GUYS K!!! haha...

They were laughed at!! I just simply think tuition is easy money man!! Maybe i'll go get one more student! =D

And i'll end up earning more than LJ!! haha...

Dinner was good too! So practically I HAVE BEEN EATING THE WHOLE DAY!! SO THE 12 LAPS OF SWIM YTD IS GONE!!

Oh GOD! Pls spare me from this damn shit again?! It can't be happening again!!

Why? why? why? ugh.

I can't get to sleep! I simply can't!! But I'm tired!!

I have to stop having penny of thoughts in my mind!!!

Or else I will just die if this continues!!

Boredom

I'm particularly bored to death!! Bored about what? i don't know... I chose to stay at home! so...

I'm just too lazy to go out, I just wanna slack at home, watch tv and do whatever I want to. And for some reason! i'm bloody hell enjoying it!

Sometimes i think I'll die if there wasn't Starhub cable tv at home. That would be what I call BOREDOM!!!

Finally after 2-3 days of rest, I'm going out tml! Will be meeting up with my BD mates and Mr boey for lunch and it would be outing with Lj, Chris and Muru!! It has been ages!! AGES MAN!!

And even if it takes to lose some money! I'm still definitely gonna go! So you guys have gotta be touched k!!

But the damn thing now is that, I'm poor! i've got no bucks man!! Yes I do. my allowance!! And my pay would only be coming next wk!

I have my insurance and also the sweden trip to save up for! See how tight up for money I am. That's the reason why I wanna take up more jobs so that I can earn more!

I'm just feeling so deseparate now! =)

Anyways... I went for a swim! And I feeling oh-so-good baby! =D

Getting abit sleepy now.

andrew t. says:
just read ur blog

andrew t. says:
i guess...

andrew t. says:
i have to show u this too

ok well he gave me a blog add. but it's not meant for anyone and at this instant i forgot the blog add.

andrew t. says:
go to march the 4th

andrew t. says:
and dont ag

andrew t. says:
tag

andrew t. says:
its suppose to be for her eyes only

andrew t. says:
i gtg

andrew t. says:
pls dont tag

andrew t. says:
hahah

andrew t. says:
its meant only for her and me.. so if possble... u know. just read tt entry and forget abt blog add

andrew t. says:
tk care man

^NyLeCoJ^ :: - I'm an emotional biatch[i'm a stupid damn bitch.] says:
haha
^NyLeCoJ^ :: - I'm an emotional biatch[i'm a stupid damn bitch.] says:
haha

^NyLeCoJ^ :: - I'm an emotional biatch[i'm a stupid damn bitch.] says:
okok

andrew t. says:
read ONLY MARCH 4Th ah!

andrew t. says:
i'm trusting you!~

^NyLeCoJ^ :: - I'm an emotional biatch[i'm a stupid damn bitch.] says:
thanx!

^NyLeCoJ^ :: - I'm an emotional biatch[i'm a stupid damn bitch.] says:
ok!!

^NyLeCoJ^ :: - I'm an emotional biatch[i'm a stupid damn bitch.] says:
yes

andrew t. says:
heh

^NyLeCoJ^ :: - I'm an emotional biatch[i'm a stupid damn bitch.] says:
i'm closing it k!

andrew t. says:
hahaha

^NyLeCoJ^ :: - I'm an emotional biatch[i'm a stupid damn bitch.] says:
ok done

^NyLeCoJ^ :: - I'm an emotional biatch[i'm a stupid damn bitch.] says:
though i had the temptation to scroll down

andrew t. says:
haha

andrew t. says:
so...

andrew t. says:
i guess what cs lewis' trying to say is tt..

andrew t. says:
u know

^NyLeCoJ^ :: - I'm an emotional biatch[i'm a stupid damn bitch.] says:
i scrolled down

andrew t. says:
God gave his heart to us
andrew t. says:
and all..

^NyLeCoJ^ :: - I'm an emotional biatch[i'm a stupid damn bitch.] says:
andrew!

^NyLeCoJ^ :: - I'm an emotional biatch[i'm a stupid damn bitch.] says:
i just said i scrolled down!

andrew t. says:
so u find a guy..

andrew t. says:
the guy u feel is worth all tt nonsense

andrew t. says:
worth the risk

andrew t. says:
then u give ur hear to him

andrew t. says:
and u BLOODY SCROLLED DOWN?!!!

andrew t. says:
GHOW CAN!!

andrew t. says:
hahahaha

andrew t. says:
okay

andrew t. says:
now forget abt tt blog altog k

^NyLeCoJ^ :: - I'm an emotional biatch[i'm a stupid damn bitch.] says:
then i close the window alr

andrew t. says:
hahaha

andrew t. says:
oaky okay..

^NyLeCoJ^ :: - I'm an emotional biatch[i'm a stupid damn bitch.] says:
i didn't read it

andrew t. says:
dont ever go there! ever!!!! hahah...

andrew t. says:
i gtg man

^NyLeCoJ^ :: - I'm an emotional biatch[i'm a stupid damn bitch.] says:
u can surely TRUST ME!

andrew t. says:
see you arnd

^NyLeCoJ^ :: - I'm an emotional biatch[i'm a stupid damn bitch.] says:
ok fine

^NyLeCoJ^ :: - I'm an emotional biatch[i'm a stupid damn bitch.] says:
ok thanx
^NyLeCoJ^ :: - I'm an emotional biatch[i'm a stupid damn bitch.] says:
cya

andrew t. says:
and... love urself more. u ainttt bad u knw?

^NyLeCoJ^ :: - I'm an emotional biatch[i'm a stupid damn bitch.] says:
okies

^NyLeCoJ^ :: - I'm an emotional biatch[i'm a stupid damn bitch.] says:
thanx

I don't know why I'm feeling like that. But I'm feeling rather sad now for certain reasons. I'm quite sure about the reason. But I fail to admit it. I'm not sure people can see it through my eyes.

The window to my soul. who's to know? to know how I really feel?

I don't know how to talk about this here. It's my blog but there are still certain things which I somehow don't want people to see.

The weak me that not many have really seen. The really sensitive me that not many has seen.

Or maybe I'm just someone that everybody knows what I'm thinking. It doesn't take much of an effort.

But still I'm just gonna say. I've kept this in me for probably a year.

After that incident, the wound has heal. but the scar remains. the memories remain. And I'm left with fear. The kind of fear that probably friends don't even know about it.

There might be others far worse than me. But that incident was the worse that ever happen to me. I'm not comparing my incident to others. But it's the kind of pain that it has brought to me. probably nobody understands what I'm feeling. I've already had a friend that is like that. He's case is far worse! But he just don't understand what I'm trying to say.

As kelly clarkson songs goes, " because of you, I've learnt how to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt", "Because of you, I find it hard to trust not only me but everyone around me." And "because of you, I am afraid."

yes. I play on the safe side. I guard my heart. So hard cause I don't wanna get hurt.

I told them about the incident. they all thought the same as others. Jerk ass. Asshole. you name it, they have it. And this happens to be guys too.

"there are better guys out there."

suddenly that night I thought.

Love and relationship are like fire to me! Once you burnt your fingers, you never wanna get near it anymore. And this is the case for me. Simply cause I don't trust anyone anymore. you can say I'm a love sick freak or some desperate girl. The feeling is overwhelming. I long for it, but I'm afraid. It's all because of fearful of being in love.

I don't think anyone would fall for me, a girl like me.

Lj once said, "Jocelyn, you need to love yourself more."

And only till date, did I realise that I don't love myself enough.

But how am I gonna trust someone? how do you expect me to?

To fall for something so dangerous. so hurtful. So sweet but bitter at the same time.

How can I learn to trust once again?

I keep thinking that people around me are out to cheat me. No one is truthful to me. No one.

I really am envious of my friends. YOU HEARD THAT BITCHES!! I have never told you guys how I really feel.

I'm someone who falls in love easily. And I hate that. I totally hate that. Don't be nice to me! But not too nasty too!

But where and who can I find this trust back from?

Got this from andrew's blog.

Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. if you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give it to no one, not even an animal.
-C.S. Lewis

So ain't I just doing the right thing?

ever felt the feeling of having a burden off your shoulder?

Feeling just so light?

I'm sure you did. And that's exactly what I'm feeling at the moment.

Finally burn the project to cd and ready to bring it for printing and binding! =D

One year of hardwork. I can't imagine this... Unofficially GRADUATED!!! haha...

HOw long have I waited for this day?! hmm.... Let me think!

Probably a long long time that I can't even remember when... Oh maybe ever since year 2?

Whatever it is... My poly life have come to a full stop. starting a new chapter, new journey. But not sure what would be my first sentence of the new chapter? Looking forward.

Anyways it's already 3 of march... Besides being free from my therapy it's been a great mind in Feburary though exams and projects had to screw it up. I won't say it's a bad thing, it's just something that I know would be coming my way. Not unexpected. So it's still kind of cool.

I've gotta get going soon. Gotta bath then to bras barash and then to band room!! The school is finally renovating the band room!! Got to help out to move the percussion instruments to MLT 2!!

Ciaoz!

I just simply don't understand some humans! Especially those from the circus! The things that they can do to animals!! Whip them and ill-treat them! Make them jump over some circle of fire for show!! If not whip them!!

Oh come on!! Think of the fact if you were the one there! Whipping you!

I mean don't these people get it! They attack us out out of self-defence! We don't touch them, they'll leave us alone! Though they are animals! They remember!!!

Elephants who see its parents die under the hands of humans!! Attack people when they can't take it!!

Ain't these people just stupid!!

is it over?

finally MY VERY LAST PAPER IN SP IS OVER!!! well shan't comment on how's the paper... I lost 20 marks already... I'm just done for... So it's no point now... I just hope for a pass...

But nevertheless!! The smell of freedom is SO MUCH BETTER than hte aroma of my bowl of noodle right in front of me now!!

But too bad it's not gonna be over yet...

I've got a final report compliation to do for BD! ugh. drag...

it's just horrible to know that there's still a burden on your shoulder... And I'm too tired to do anything besides!! SLACK AND WATCH TV!! Hey that's something too!! =D

Been feeding on instant noodles for the few days! i'm just craving for it... So i don't care if i die of cancer! To be able to eat is happiness!!

Now that paper is over... I'm not sure what to do... some of my friends are slacking for a month first... so am I to do relief teaching start away or rest for one week! Yes I just said for a week! Not too long! I will get even lazier as i'm already VERY LAZY!! I just want a school near my house! Probably Radin Mas primary would be good! Or should I go back to my sec sch? hmmm...

OH BTW IT'S ALREADY 2 OF MARCH!! Remember my therapy?!!! It's working out so well!!!! I have not bought anything since the day I made the promise!! and I did go for window shopping! And though I saw things that I like! I have yet to buy it!!

Oh man!! Ain't you guys proud of me?!!! haha... The power of JOCELYN!!! =D

Seriously I can't believe it myself too!!

so 3 cheers for me!!!!

ok this is supposingly my last paper... Listen up last paper tml!!

But I've been more stress than ever!! I'm totally stress up!! I know!! I had that nightmare again! Where I couldn't wake up from bed and was late for paper... When i woke up paper was over! Gesh!!

I cried in my dream! I remembered and I woke up feeling as if I have just finished a war... My heart racing and almost breathless...

ho... just can't wait for this to end... OH! not yet!! there's still BD!

DEAD! it's just the word to describe how I feel.