Are these worthwhile at all?

It's the question that pop in my head when I was taking my shower after 16hours of work. And previous day I spent 17hours in the office as well. But all my efforts worthwhile. Depsite trying my best and making sure things flow well. Despite that things are not within my control, it's still my fault.

Being blame for not sending out the payment. Not urging.

Did you see me making many calls? Did u hear me urging them? But there's nothing I could do. It's not my control.

And words are put into my mouth.

I'm wondering. I've tried my best and I'm satisfied. But why ask so much?

I just feel like swearing. I miss the bf. Wanna talk to him. Tell him all the problems I had for the day. He's sleeping at home now. Tml is his P.O.P. Finally after 3 months, I can talk and msg him anytime. And his comforting hug.

It's getting late. Time to sleep. Thank God am on 1/2 day tml.

17 hours

Just got back fro work not long ago. yea am not kidding. Left at 2am.

It's been a rough day. Super pissed with my colleague. Seriously so what it's her last day. I've never seen such irreponsible people. To think she's older than me. She still have the cheek to msg me to say she's sorry. Come on if it wasn't for her dilly-dally-ness. I won't have to leave so late and miss out my tuition session with my student for her Emaths O's tml.

Anyways she has left. No more working with her. I shld be glad.

Wanted to head to bed. But I'm so hungry and I definitely can't head to bed with a hungry stomach. It'll be tossing on the bed. Thank God mum cooked if not i'll be stuck with bread again. Breakfast-bread. Lunch-Sandwich. I'm gonna be so afraid of bread soon. It's not just today.

Gonna play some game before I head to bed. Gotta reach work early tml.

Work was like a nightmare this week! And I can only say... Thank God weekends are here! Was on dubai shift from 1pm till 10pm but without fail for the past 5 days I have been knocking off after 12 not to clear dubai stuff but HK stuff.

All the changes are affecting our work somehow or another. And for the past few days, I've become a help desk, query desk and hotline services. Many screw ups at work. Unexplainable and ridiculous shit happens. If I was the customer, I would have been pissed and lodge a complaint.

It's just scary how time just ticks away without my knowing. And before I know there's not much soul at Raffles place anymore. Just cabbies forming queues in hope for a customer to hop on.

It's tiring and draining. And I think I'm pretty stressed up. Or probably my brain had worked too much. There was 1 night I msg my boss to tell her that there's a mistake and she has to help me amend it in the morning. Msg was sent at 3am in the morning. It just came to me when I was about to fall asleep. Overload by work.

O's are coming soon. I'm worried. Have not been able to spend time with my student to clear their doubts. 6 years of tutor-student relationship or maybe I would prefer to call it friendship is gonna end soon. It was nice teaching this sweet little kids since I was 16. They have grown. I did as well. Physically and mindset.

It's 4:37am. Time to sleep. Gonna be a long day tml. Gotta collect my regalia and tickets for Convo. And I hope for a little shopping spree over the weekends! With the bf! =)

Coming back to work on a sunday is definitely not so pleasant.

When everybody else is getting ready to head off for shopping and enjoy the last bit of weekends before monday comes. I was preparing to come to work right after church.

Everything is just messy. Volume is low but there's so much problem to deal with esp. the system.

It's driving me crazy till I realise that I asked a stupid qns!

Gosh... it's another 1 hr more till knock off.

My sunday just went wasted like that.

I can't sleep tonight.

There's an unexplain excitement within me. The cause of it, I don't know.

Anyways we have started supporting dubai and it's been busy. Have to cover 2 persons job in the morning. Just so many things to do. And I wanna head to the gym. Have a good workout routine. Tone up more! Thought of signing up for PT.

My mind has suddenly gone blank. Heading to bed.

Night!

Just a few days ago i was pent up with immense frustation and bitterness. Everything just seem bad. I was not happy at all. Just felt like crying my heart out. Matter of fact. I hate it. I don't like to be crying cause it makes me feel weak. Esp. when I'm crying for no reason at all. Crying feels good though.

But these few days things got a little better. I'm happier. Even when I'm feeling tired and sleepy, I was happy. It was overwhelming. It's flooding within me. I guess things do really change when you see it from another point of view. When you start the day by leaving to the big Guy up there. He makes things more colourful though shit happens at work sometimes.

I'm sure God has his plans for me. And the things I have will be sufficient in my life.

Another colleague left ytd.

He came to bid goodbye last night. He took that leap of faith cause he's not happy here and some other factors. Quit without a job 'cause he believe God will provide a way.

But I heard otherwise this morning. Not sure what's the truth but if he's happier leaving then go ahead. I'm always happy when people leave this place. =)

He must be enjoying at home now. Especially with such a weather, lazing is the best.

Anyways when he bid goodbye ytd, he made a such comment while we were talking.

"Hi, i'm here to say goodbye, it's my last day. Though you look very stern most of the time but you're actually very nice. "

Do I?

I'm back I'm back!!

Changing my focus has brought happiness in my life.

I hate the me that cried so much the last few days. Feel so useless and vulnerable.

After that incident, crying was so tough until the bf came into my life. Though I still don't cry much, but i'll only allow tears to drop in front of him and no one else.

But anyhow spending time with God makes a big difference. I need to give more time to God. I'm losing that part out soon. So preoccupied with the things in my life, the busy work life, that I almost forgot my strength provider.

Verse of the day:

"Seek the LORD while he may be found; call on him while he is near."
Isa 55:6

Short weekend

Weekend is coming to an end once again. It's the draggy monday soon. It's been a rather rough week for me. I'm experiencing roller-coaster emotions which I have not had in a long long time. Like I say. I just wanna hide for a while.

"Maybe we should not meet tonight. Let's see each other tml instead?"

Those were the words that I sms the bf on friday and I regretted it 'cause last min he had to stay in camp. We only got hold of each other for an hr when he came back for a little while to check on me. On Sat we only manage to saw each other from evening onwards. Had a mini mid-autumn celebration in church. Headed out for midnight movies with Andy and my sister, Meichan when the bf went home to pick up the car.

Choice of movie: Surrogates

"People are living their lives remotely from the safety of their own homes via robotic surrogates -- sexy, physically perfect mechanical representations of themselves. It's an ideal world where crime, pain, fear and consequences don't exist. When the first murder in years jolts this utopia, FBI agent Greer (Willis) discovers a vast conspiracy behind the surrogate phenomenon and must abandon his own surrogate, risking his life to unravel the mystery. Written by Touchstone Pictures"

Quite a good show. But somehow as I was watching it I just felt that technology might just get a little way too scary. People operating their surrogates from home and they can even choose how they look like. Which means the surrogates looked different from the real human and since this is possible, a man can have a sexy female surrogate. In the world of surrogacy, it's perfect. Man has the perfect wife, no one ages. But isn't it scary? How about the human touch? It's gone. People lose their identity, laziness sets in, the world is seen from the eyes of the surrogates. The real human love is gone.

I hope technology has not gone that far to make this happen. God's beautiful nature will be neglected.

Anyhow after the movie, spent the night at his place. It turned out to be a long night. The eyes got tired and we just slept holding hands. Without saying a word. I felt like crap when I woke up this morning. I was sleepy. But the night passed too fast. I was still thinking about what I said last night, I wished time could just go back.

Well on a happy note, my aunt brought my niece, Jemmima, to church today. She's such a dear. Seeing her just makes everybody smile. I wanted to hug and cuddle her so tightly when she ran all the way to me and said these words. "I love you!"

"Awwwww..." That was just so sweet. A very sincere "I love you". Tell me. How many times do you mean it when you say it?? I gave her a big hug and a "I love you too."

Through out the whole week, this afternoon was the only time that I really smile and forgot about the burden. The innocence of kids. Their world is just so simple. She made my day by giving me one last hug and goodbye kiss before we parted.

Less than 24 hours, I spent with the bf this weekend. Dinner was fast and he had to head back to camp already. It's hard to even say "see you" and "take care". The words just choked on me. Especially at this point of time. 26 more days to his P.O.P.

It'll passed fast enough.

I guess I've lost focus on where my strength should come from. I've been drifting apart. It's time to search back and look at the main focus.

Hebrews 12:1-3

¹Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. ²Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. ³Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

Nothing much.

Sick. Having gastric flu.

Period. Gonna rest.

The floodgates

Have I reached the limit?

Seriously I don't know. It's been tough going by each day this week. Since monday I was feeling down. Ain't I supposed to be happy after birthday celebration. But what's wrong? What's bringing me down. Down to the bottom of the valley. Suddenly I seemed to have dropped into a cave. So dark with no exit or a ray of light.

I just need to let it out but there's no way out. My job has become more than a burden to me.

Finally today I couldn't help it, the floodgates open. Everything is just not right from the time I woke up to shower. Work was not good. Made a mistake. AGAIN. That's it. I wanted so much to break down at that moment. Go to the toilet to cry. Pick up the phone to give the bf a ring. But I couldn't 'cause he was in camp. And I didn't allow myself to get off my seat to hide in the toilet to cry. 'Cause that's not the person I wanna be. I sat there and controlled the tears that was about to roll down. I fought it. To the end of the day.

now i'm feeling so restless. Am on leave tml. Need it. I need some time alone. Just wanna be all alone. Not sure of the plans tml. Either head out shopping alone or just hide under the blankie.

Tired. Ciaoz peeps!