*yAwNz*

I'm sleepy... good night peeps!

Yes, it's a sunday... 30/10/2005...

And next semster is gonna start in less than 24 hours... Which I think SP is dumb enough to do so... Cause I only have to go to school mon,wed and fri, as tues and thurs are public holiday... I guess we are the only poly that start school... Which SP is ass enough!

Anyway with the semster approaching, it signals my last semster in SP! Which means out of SP for GOOD!! I'm leaving my poly life soon!! You heard that peeps!! Which means it CALLS FOR A CELEBRATION!! I'm leaving behind my shitty poly life!! Ain't you happy for me? Oh well, Band is only thing that I would miss... But at least it's a burden off my shoulder... I'm having so much problems but who knows...

And I have to plan my future in less than 6 months. To be exact about 4 months... I have to know what I wanna do after that... Actually I already know what I wanna do already... It's just that if I'm able to make it or not with my terrible results... Which I doubt I can enter into the local uni...

That explains why I'm looking through the website... Looking thru UWA website on Bachelor of Education... Just to explain I have no interest in the commercial world at all! It's not and never my bowl of rice... But money is a BIG BIG problem! My family is never gonna be able to afford to pay those darn fees for me... My uncle say that he can pay for me... But I don't wanna owe someone a favour...

I'm really am troubled by lots of things recently... Besides my own education and future... I'm troubled by something else... In fact one person in particular... I'm so afraid of bringing the issue up.... I don't know how to bring my message across to that person so that that person doesn't misunderstand... But somethings i feel why should I give a damn about how that person feels? Whether you like it not it's freaking hell no business of mine... You hate me, that's your problem... you might not even see me in your whole bloody life again... But still i have to handle this problem carefully...

*gOsH* I'm handling someone that's not easy... And who is becoming someone that i don't want to be in any way related!

argh... it just pisses me off...

I'm beginning to think of my 19 years... why have I live? Have I really cherish or wasted my 19 years of life? Somehow I feel that I have wasted it... I feel empty which I'm NOT supposed to!

Know what? I wanna put down my burden of the section... I'm sorry if some of you are reading this... But there are some problems that I can see and know but there's nothing I can do... And it all started when I took over as SL... I feel so helpless... And as a section leader I have not done my job and lose my authority... How am I suppose to be a better leader?

God please tell me what to do? How am I supposed to be a better leader? How am I suppose to convey my message across to them so that there's no misunderstanding? How am I gonna make the section better?

Just cane back from KTV session with the Rojak gang... had alcoholic drinks and beer! And I'm NOT DRUNK!! I SERIOUSLY AM NOT!! But I just disgrace myself! =D

Ok i'm seriously shag! darn shag! I've NEVER in my whole bloody life exercise so much!!! My legs and arms are aching! Almost out of my control! Kind of sleepy but well took a short nap and I'm up again with all the energy!

Still meeting up with Sufen and Marilyn later.... For dinner and KTV!

I'm just gonna drop tonight! I seriously think so!

Anyways the game was good just now! Pair up with Raf against Audrey and Jerm! I guess we won! And there was this little "agruement" that goes on when someone miss the shuttlecock or refuse to run! It was hell lotsa fun! And After every score or every ball I miss I scream~! And I really mean every single one! But still it was fun! Hope to have another one soon! And I'm so not gonna play badminton in school! I'll just start screaming and shouting in the sports hall! So... I'll think I'll just give it a miss! =D

Ok I wanted to blog about this and since I remember what I wanna say I'll just blog it before I forget.... After I pee...

Ok instead I shitted! Boy that feels good! Pardon me peeps! I'm trying to buy time so that I won't fall asleep and miss my appointment with my dear ones! you see I have not slept since yesterday night! So I could just fall asleep anytime! So I'm making my mind work! Even when I'm shitting! Don't you do that too? ;)

I don't think I'm weird...

Okies back on track...

I do admit that sometimes I get envious of my surrounding friends, of my age, who are getting attached one by one. And I'm the only one with nothing but only bullshit and shit holes in my life! I don't understand why when I think back. I want my poly life to end so badly! My lowest peak of life? You name it... I might have it in my 3 years of poly life...

However seeing my friends going through the relationship period, I find that I'm not ready yet! So not ready! I don't know when do you say "you're ready" but somehow I just know it.

The trust and belief I have lose it and I hate guys but I don't like girls (though I had that lesbian dream). So what am I left with?

A girl that doesn't believe that there's someone special or the right one that's out there, even though she always tell people about "the right one will come". A girl that give her friends encouragement about holding on and believing in the wonderful thing "love", while she herself so doesn't believe it. Someone who is guarding her heart against all people that comes near her and still trying hard! Someone who has lose all her confidence in the way she is. She thinks she's ugly in character and definitely physically! Beginning to think why am I living?

Ok this is getting abit too depressing... Damn! I'm hungry!!!

Sometimes I question the big guy up there but sometimes I thank him for the blessing in disguise. See I don't even know what I want.

I don't understand how do people get on from one relationship to another in a short time. I never know how they could do that. and of cause I would never know how it feels like. And whether is love sweet or bitter?

It can be so sweet in the first place, but what change it? why did one couple that look so happy yesterday would end up breaking up the next day. We can't communicate, too possessive, blah blah... but what's the real reason?

Am I? Or are you? in the place to define "love".

Is the person that you are thinking of or with right now is that special person that you would grow old with?

Someone that SEEMS so right at that moment, might not be the right one. Don't follow your heart, cause sometimes our heart lie too.

So what can you do right? Know what you want! clearly. And this is not following your heart, it's a different part of your body that you are using...

think carefully...

just came back from swimming! Man! My muscles are aching! I can't barely lift up my hands... After breakfast, it's a couple of rounds of badminton games with Jerm, Raf and audrey!!

So sweet of both of them to come down to our area!! haha... actually we make them come down!! *eViL*

I'm up not watching HBO! but checking out on my claories and how much weight I have to lose and stuff... Ok I know it sounds ridiculous!

I'm checking on every health information! And we only need 1 teaspoon of salt a day!! GOD!! so peeps watch out!!

My sister can't stand me! she thinks i'm crazy! Almost insane!

Week started out well... Seems like this week is gonna be an intensive exercise week! Feel good! =D

Went jogging on monday night.... Wanted to jog ytd but it rain once my cousin and I step out of house... So we decided to climb stairs! Boy! you bet it's so darn tiring man! people like me who doesn't exercise much in the past! And my legs are aching! Just hope it pays off!

had sectionals today! Did "Ride"! Feel demoralise but still putting in more effort! It's darn fast la! need to practice my strokes...

Tml is a pack day!! For once after I stop giving tuition! Gonna swim in the morning, badminton in the afternoon, dinner with "rojak" gang and then KTV! OH GOD!!! Finally I'm seeing in the sun!

MAN! Gotta enjoy my last 4 days of holiday! School is starting on monday!! SP IS AN ASS!!!

Oh yeah! Took my jab yesterday!! Thought my phobia for jab was long gone with the wind! BOh man! I'm so wrong!! Woke up at 2plus just to go for jab! Drag my mum along! My sisters have to take it too! so they went ahead first! And I was hiding at one corner. You know the kind where you try to look for security while waiting! And next moment tears filled my eyes!

And I cried! Don't laugh peeps!

that's so so embarrassing! But who cares! Who said that a 19 year old girl can't be afraid of jabs!! That's crap!

anyways discussing with Ruben regarding the chalet! Deciding on the dates! So that it would be the best dates!

just came back from a jog!!

it's mahjong time!!

Exactly 1 mth!

Am counting down, still counting down! =D

Ok I told audrey and Jerm about my dream yesterday when we were on our way to FC 3 for dinner before band! And they make a big fuss out of it!! Ah man!

Hey peeps! I know my sexual direction and more over it's just a damn dream! So please don't misunderstand! I know you peeps won't! but i'm sure it's gonna be a joke for quite awhile! I guess it's ok...

band prac was rather cool! There are only 92 days left before MD! Seems long but time flies! It's my last concert already!! Listen up peeps!! It's my last concert!! LAST ONE!! So YOU GUYS BETTER BE COMING!! ok I really hope you guys can come!

My first MD was at Esplande! And now it's my last concert! At Esplande!! Tics are selling at $16 (circle seats) and $21 (stall seats)!!

Do suport k!! Thanx peeps!!

my oh my! you guys are not gonna believe this man! I had a lesbian dream last night! Can't remember who was it but not of anyone i know.

Probably that's the reason why I was late meeting mei. Was supposed to meet her at 1.30pm! i woke up at 1.30pm! =D

We were supposed to KTV but we ended at cineleisure suki! Sorry girl! Will make up to you again!

I wonder why do people have such dreams?

hmm....

man oh man! I Have lots of thoughs running through my head...

Thank God I'm gonna go out soon or else it's just gonna keep thinking about it~

And it's raining outside again. Oops... I mean just now. It's bright and sunny outside!

But still it's such a nice weather! My body is aching after the jog yesterday! Man! After stopping for a week.

Gonna go for band in an hour so to sort out the parts for the pieces.

I just love holidays!

Jerm is finally back from SRI LANKA~! yeah! Man! I miss her so much!! Girl! you heard that I miss you like shit!! haha... I really do! Can't wait to see you tml!

Just hang up the phone with her! Ya the moment I put down, I'm here blogging!

Well she lost her voice, cause she had too much FRIED FOOD!! But still she went on saying her experience with her hoarse voice! Still loud and clear! =D

I would say an interesting experience she had! The place she stayed was like a live "Life discovery channel". She had cows walking beside her on the road and monitorlizards! And house lizards that have spots! Seesh! I wonder how does it really look like.

She bought a gift for me! Wonder what is it?

And she bloody hell bought an indian drum for less than 10 bucks!! GOD!! If that drum would be import to Singapore it definitely gonna cost MORE than that bloody 10 bucks! I would say at least a 40 bucks or so?

Anyways the rojak gang would be complete once we meet up this week! And I can't wait for that!

Damn. Mummy strike lottery yesterday and today. Okays people don't ask me how come? cause I don't know why. And don't ask me to tell you guys when my mums buy lottery. cause I don't wanna be responsible if you don't strike.

I'm staying home today! No outings! No spending of money!! I need to save! Saving plan going on well! Surprisingly! I just love exams period! It makes you save big time!

So it would just be watching tv half of the day. cause I just woke up from my sleep! Seesh! finally another good sleep!

I wanna move to my aunt's place for peace and quietness, but my mum doesn't allow me to! But I can't bear with the noise anymore! I need to have the space that I want! And I'm not getting it! It's my holidays, the only time whereby I can stay home and really rest! But not put on weight!

And I seriously think my sisters are the most USELESS batch of people I ever know! I don't care if they read this or who so ever! I seriously think so! It's a torture living with them. They don't know how to help keep the house tidy and stuff! And I'm fucking hell not doing it for them! And anyways don't won't appreciate my help! How many times they would really appreciate. it's no use talking to them heart-to-heart, it doesn't have any effect. ONLY FRIENDS!! ONLY FRIENDS! NO SELF REALISATION!

So I can't be bother! Their problem would be their! Nothing to do with me! Say I'm a bad, useless and inconsiderate! I don't give a damn! Cause you just don't understand the pain to really wake these people up! It's worse than studying for exams and crying over a concert!

From now on, I'll just try to keep quiet when I'm at home. Not gonna talk much...

I'm thinking if I should just go to my aunt's place like that against my mum or just stay home?

Watever! I'm just really pissed!! I don't understand why she don't allow me to! What's her bloody problem?! Don't tell me you miss me?! Don't give me that shit! You need me at home cause you need me for some other reasons.

ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DAMN IT! DAMN IT!!

FOR ALL YOU KNOW! I FEEL THAT MY PRIVACY IS INTRUDED!! VERY INTRUDED!!

Just came back home from meeting marilyn and sufen! And because of the existence of the "popiah gang"! We decided to call ourself "Rojak gang" which makes up of marilyn, sufen, Jermaine and me!

Ok! I know it sounds stupid and ridiculous! SO! Can we think of another name instead of rojak gang?! Marilyn! I know you are reading this?! "Rojak" sounds so spastic!! I don't wanna go around and tell people I met up with the rojak gang today! Oh god!! I can simply imagine the look on their face!

HUH?! that would be it!

So I guess we could have a nicer name... Let's brainstorm for the next few outings! And that would be next thursday!! Together with Jerm this time! A full "Rojak" gang! Oh god!! Next week would be the last time k! We need a nicer name! More classy and unique!!

Anyways had hell lots of fun! Though there will only the 3 of us. We went to swenses for dinner. Then to crystal jade! Sufen and me each had a cup of $0.80 chinese tea, while our dear marilyn had her xiao long bao, which she was crazy about!

After that we went to "Breko" and had tea and some food! We had baked potato, toasties and Oreo cheesecake! We had some fun there! Laughing our hearts out!! It's been a long time since we met up but! We still felt as close! At least to me!! It better be for the both of you!!

And all thanx to marilyn's good idea. She got herself into trouble! haha.... Chamomile tea mixed with oreo cheesecake and potato! And she drank those!! haha.... SO! a lesson to learn dear! Keep your ideas to yourself! =D

Anyways we met up at holland V. That's what I like about Holland V, you have everything in one place!!

And we decided to meet up once a week! And it better be so!!

Damnit. Mummy strike lottery again!

Finally bought a new LCD monitor and audiobox A500!! Everything just look so cool! All black! Woah! With abit of classy feeling. But the screen is kind of screwed up. yet to find out the problem. But one step at a time.

Anyways stayed at home the WHOLE DAY!! That's totally so so! COOL!! I just love to slack at home. Laying on my bed or the living room sofa watching tv the whole day!! Switching channels here and there! That's my worst habit ever when i get hold of the remote!! And people said that it's a guy's habit? is it true?

Cause when school reopens and when I have to teach, i will never ever have the time to do that. it's a good way to refrain myself from going shopping and save money!

peace

Finally peace and quietness. I'm alone at home and only with the radio on. Man! I waited for this for a long time. Not that long. just 2 weeks... But it's to long to bear with it!

I just love afternoons whereby I'm alone at home, having my own space, doing my own stuff. Basically when my sisters are not at home. But it would just be in the afternoons. .

Anyways am having my breakfast and lunch now, packed from my mum's shop. And blogging at the same time. Ok, I'm supposed to be watching tv. But because I've no SCV at the moment, cause my mum have took it to starhub to change it. And I'm dying! I can die without tv! God! This is so boring. So I'm only left with the com and radio. Thank God, people invented such stuff to use.

And I can totally beat my record of not using the bloody com. I guess I have not been siging on to msn for a real long time. It would only just be blogging and checking mail now. I don't wanna sign in and beginning to feel that to me msn has lost its meaning. if you get what I mean... I just hate signing in! Overall MSN is nothing to me now.

Met up with meimei ytd! Finally!! After about 1 week plus! Caus poor her was down with chicken pox the day before the last paper! How suay can that be! Tell me about it! And she have to stay home to do the paper with all those itch! Oh! SP wanted to defer her! In another words! It's to fail her! Just that defer sounds nicer!! It's so not fair! SP is really some big time asshole! It's so not fair for people like meimei. How does she bloody hell know when those pox are coming out! And she has to retake the whole module again. And that would be when we have already graduate! SP is nuts!

We met up at Orchard to head to Far East to trim our eyebrow! And still I can take the pain! I was holding my breath and the person plucking my eyebrow kept talking to me! And I seriously didn't know how to talk and hold my breath. But it was over soon. Wanted to cut my hair too. But well I didn't in the end. Headed for lunch at scotts foodcourt, where they serve the best beef noodles! At least to me! But ytd one was not that nice. After lunch just went walking around. When we reach PS she has to go.

And since I didn't feel like going home though I was tired, so I gave Sufen a call! And met up with her. Was walking at PS and headed to cityhall by foot! Bought a couple of stuff. A watch, 2 pair of earrings and a earring. Think that's all. OH! and 10 bucks worth of bread from breadtalk! hehe...

It has been a long time I've not met up with her. 8 months I think! She was shocked! Cause I was asking her out! Since when Jocelyn will asked people out! That was what she said. I'm so sorry girl! Really caught up with lots of stuff! And only now I have time for friends and myself! I know you will understand! =D

Talking about that I've yet to meet up with someone yet! Shit! He's gonna start killing me and saying all those crap! Better meet up with him soon.

We had dinner at Cafe Cartel. Not much we share basically everything! We ordered a supreme platterr, a bowl of soup. And drinks for each of ourself! We didn't want anything filling. But we still felt full after that. Though we have not met up for a long time. We still have so much to say.

I've better to make use of this holidays to meet up with them before school starts. Or else they will start nagging again!

For the first time yesterday, my mum called me and cried. And I was still outside, on my way home. I mean it's not as if I have not seen her crying before. But the last time I really saw her crying was 3 years back when my beloved grandma passed away. Everybody cried cause she was so dear to everyone. But she has never called me and talked to me about the problem and started sobbing. I was shocked and loss of words. I didn't know what to say. It just hurts me.

Anyways after that I cried on my way home on the bus. I packed dinner home for her, hoping that she would feel better after that.

And the issue that left her crying was my sisters... I just don't understand why. They are like turning 16 soon.

I made up my mind. Now I'm in a dilemna. Should I? Or should I not?

I guess she felt better after that cause she strike lottery... Again. And I've got extra allowance for the day.

it's just another simple day.

Rise and shine. breakfast or rather lunch. Tuition. Then went back to see Dr Eu.

Well still on medication. I'll just have to wait for a couple of month and see the situation. Just hopes it gets better.

My decision is made. Whether you like it or not, I'm still going ahead with it. I can't take it anymore!

Nothing is more cruel than reality.

And when it comes. you can't run from it, you have to accept it and live with it.

Sometimes I just don't understand. And I'm so reluctant to accept.

There are a couple of issues that I've been running away from for a long time.

Unwilling to face it or talk about it. And when people ask, "I don't know" is the superficial answer. But there are more that I know.

Why did I have to know? Why did I have to find out? Why did reality satisfy my curiousity and gave me an answer.

I had a dream recently. A wonderful one. One that goes with my desire. Dreams always look so perfect, so wonderful and flawless.

Running away is inevitable. so as just to survive.

Accepting is so as to be brave enough to face it. And be ready for more challenges.

Accept or run away?

What's your definition of life?

I'm back. After 10 days. I just detest coming online and found no meaning anymore.

I've lots to say but am left speechless when I'm right in front of the screen.

Exams are finally over. But still as stressed up as before cause of my students' psle. But it's the last paper on monday and then it would be time to relax.

I've save almost enough but will put in more effort to save.

Just 3 more weeks, school's gonna start.

well I guess that's about it. I don't know what to say.