Seriously I hate festive season. Esp in Singapore. Everywhere is packed with people. Humans are just like sardines packed into the can. (oh how poor thing.)

Finally a saturday that I can wake up late. Woke up at 9+ and realise that some of them actually didn't rec'd my msg abt the cancelled practice. Rang Lj and told him.

And last min they Muru and Lj asked if I wanna join them for breakfast. More of lunch I guess. Wanted to sleep more but my stomach disappoint me. Crawl up to bath and pack my gym bag. And off we head for breakfast. I was craving for dim sum. Good dim sum. But come to think of it most of the dim sum here taste awful. That I would rather stick to pancakes. But luckily Lj knew of a place. These restaurant had the best dim sum I ever ate in Singapore. Very traditional like restaurant with all the waiter and waitress pushing the trolley around asking what you want. Just like how they do it in HK.

After a satisfying breakfast accompanied with good conversation, it was time to burn those fats and tone it up!

Met my PT there, had a short chat and did a little small training there. haha....

Cardio:done.

Biceps:Worked.

Triceps:worked.

Chest:worked.

Thighs:Worked.

Stretching:DONE!

So overall it was nice saturday. A good breakfast followed up with a sweat-it-out session.

Headed to down orchard with the intention to get some stuff but the shop is not selling it anymore! That's sad. And I ended up buying a pair of shoes and 2 shorts.

Few days back I was just complaining of being cashless. And now?

Thanks to my mum who kept striking lottery.

Anyways time to study!

Ciaoz!

What Your Handwriting Says About You

You are a fairly energetic person. You know how do pace yourself, and you deal well with stress. You are very extroverted and outgoing. You are loving, friendly, and supportive. However, you are also manipulative and controlling at times. You are balanced and grounded. You know how to get along well with others. You need a bit of space in your life, but you're not a recluse. You expect people to give you a small amount of privacy, and you respect their privacy as well. You are somewhat traditional, but you are also open to change. You listen to your head and your heart. You are a decent communicator. You eventually get your point across, but sometimes you leave things a bit ambiguous.

What Does Your Handwriting Say About You?

You Are a Fierce Femme

You have a wild side, and you aren't afraid to bring it out when the time is right. But you also know when to hang back and keep your "crazy chick" persona in check. In fact, some of your friends may be surprised to find out how far you can take it... You may look mild mannered, but it's all an act!

Are You a Daring Woman?

Laying in the comfort of my bed,i'm here blogging at this hour.

Just got back from wala. It's been a long time. Can't rmb when was the last time I actually went out on a friday night.

Busy and messy day at work. Thanks to the x'mas lunch, but food was gd. It took abt 3 hours. It was held at the sentosa cove. Nice place.

Had to dump my colleagues in the battlefield for my other battle. School.

Lesson was fine. I've succeeded in answering another question with understanding. With a nod and a "good" from my lecturer.

T'was alr 10plus when I ended class. Still nth can stop me from wala!!! Nv had so much fun and laughter for a long time. Shouting and arguing. haha....

Headed to the nearby coffee shop for a chat with my colleagues.

Gonna head to bed soon hope that i can wake up for gym tml!

It's the last day of processing sg box. And am so relieved! So happy.

well that's not the only happy issue for the day. Got a year end review.

They increased my pay for next year and this yr bonus was a satisfactory amt of money! =)

But besides these 2 happy issues, work was tiring and energy consuming. It's a public holiday and there are so many remittance to do. Though can't be compared to HK box. There's lotsa of shit for SG box. Ended up leaving abt 8!

For gym!!!! Gym!!! GYM!!!! I've been for 2 wks!! Gosh!!!

It's work and studies. Tideous. Worked out with my PT today! She's insane man!! nuts!! But well had fun training together with her. After so long.

It's day 1 of not having him around me. I feel so weird. No one to give me a hug after a day's work. No one to share my joy with when I got my bonus letter. No one to have dinner with me. To make me laugh.

I hope the 5 days passed real fast. Beginning to miss him.

Ciaoz peeps! Gotta do my tuts!! Working tml!!

It's day 6.

6 days of processing SG box,it felt like 6 mths. It's torturous.Disgusting.Troublesome. And overwhelming sadness in ME!

Only wish for KC to be back soon. Since the day I'm back from my block leave,I've been lunching in. Making sure every single min is used wisely,I wld look through my notes or do my tutorial.

Working and studying part-time is tideous. And I've not been gym-ing for 2 wks!

There I go again.

Weight-conscious mode:Activated.

Fats increased mode:Activated.

Rapid changes in mood:ACTIVATED.

I've never been so stressed up in studies before. Probably last min studies. But since the day 1 i started class,I've been revising almost everyday.

It's not 'cause of the competition in class. It's abt me paying whole lump sum,though it's sponsored by the bank but i'll hv to pass first. Can't afford that to happen.

Gonna and have to come out with a time-table.

Planning time!

Let's just say it's an insane day after lunch.

i'm leaving office now!

I've reached office at a surprisingly 8.30am. It's not usual to see me around at the time unless u're talking about 9-9.30am.

The reason for the early timing is due to the location of my stay over.

Was staying over at uncle's place last night cause all of them were outstation. So to be exact, I was a guard dog. It's freaky to stay in a 2-storey terrace house with just the maid. So I got cou ricky to stay over... And this dude has to come at 11.30pm.

I cldn't wait any longer. No. My bowels cldn't wait any longer... I had to bomb Afghan. Went up alone to shower.

Anyways took a private bus to work, it's way much faster and convienent. Of coz! At a cost of 2.50. It's worth anyways.

I'm rather free at work now since I have a helper now. And my job now is to dump everything to her. Cause I'M GOING ON LEAVE!!!

21nov-4dec. Don't woah... cause I deserve it. I need a good rest.

My leave is nicely planned out alr. I've loads to do.

It just feels different. 3 more days.... 10 days of leave! and a helper now. What's more can I ask for? OH... pay raise! hee...

Time now is 1.44pm. Lunch time!

Current mood:


Wondering why I cld change a skin but not update? Just let me tell you.

Updating an entry is way more tiring then changing a blog skin. But at least I had updated with 3 sentences the other day. And since I've neglected my blog for a long time,it shall be a proper entry for today.

Saturday nights should be fun and exciting but here I am just lazing around in Mr pig's room updating an entry. His room always make me feel so comfy that I fall asleep each time I'm here.
It's been a tiring week. Weeks to be exact. Needless to explain you know why. I need the space for better things to say.

My hamstrings are so tight,I just need a stretch. Man! I miss Shufen helping me with all the stretching! Oh yea... Shufen is my personal trainer, the torturous trainer!! haa... But i need those torture, cause it's my only channel of relaxation straight after work.

"Gypsy dance" is getting better. Each individual can almost play our parts, just a little more practice together before the big day!

Heading to orchard to look for Mr pig and her mum and sister. First destination was to subway at cineleisure. It wasn't satisfying at all! The lady burnt my sub and the manager had to change a new one for me before even wrapping it up for me! And she did something so stupid! She toast my bread without my cheese and turkey ham!!! I love melted cheese! Thanks thanks.... Had an awfully quick lunch.

Talking about lunch reminded me of breakfast this morning. Last night I told mum that I wanted to have the longevity bun for breakfast cause I wld be hungry in the morning. And plus I won't be meeting Mr pig for breakfast. I came out from the shower and happily turn on the stove. Went into the room to dressed up and pack up. And when I was abt to leave the house, I went to check on my bun. Guess what! I was actually boiling water for 15 mins!! Thanks mummy!

Anyways back to where I was. After lunch we headed down to Taka to see what we can buy. My company gave me a $100 taka voucher. Won't get it until 15 nov. Wanted to get a wallet for myself but I cldn't find "the wallet". Besides I've too many. So I might just get sth else and leave the rest for Mr pig.

Plan today was to window shop and it went pretty well, only money spent on was food and drinks. Talk about that! I feel so fat now. I've been eating non-stop. High sugar intake is making me feel diabetic. I need sth plain GOD!!! Orchard is getting boring after heading down for 2 consecutive weeks. We left for cityhall on 124 and sth unexpected made us alight opp. SMU. They were having a mini flea market. I just love flea markets! You never know what kind of "steal" you can get.

That's y I said "plan". I ended up buying a vest,t-shirt and 3 books which cost $50 for all. Think the only way to stop myself from spending is to stay home and rest,since I need it. I've nth to say about my spending ways, I guess it's the same for you.

Met up with his mum and sister for dinner. Settle at this jap restaurant in PS which contradict themselves by selling pasta and baked rice. It's not worth the money and the food ain't fantastic. It's right beside Ajisen, give it a miss if you can. Strongly advisable!

And that was today for you. Boring life but at least it's better than work!! Simply can't wait to start school!! First day of student life commenced on the 30th nov. I know it sounds insane but I JUST CAN'T WAIT TO HIT THE BOOKS AGAIN!! Rawrrrr....... hahaha!!!

Being able to study again just mean so much to me. The other meaningful thing was yours truly turning 21 on the 25th sep. Boy! Haven't had a birthday celebration for so long and it's so tiring. Esp. a big one.

The popiah gang who came with a cake box which I have no idea how they got it.

Law,Mr pig and me.

Pastor Lee,Andy,me,Daphne,Aunt Emily

Poly classmates.

We share the same birthday. Hmm... maybe our soul swap.

Abn Colleagues.

Sweet!

Mum didn't know Ricky was taking a photo cause he didn't count! She picked up her call.

I can't rmb when was the last time I took a photo with mum. But I'm glad that I did on the day.

My Little Niece,Jenmma. Oh look at her!! She's so fat!! I just wanna pitch her! Sad to say none of us really got the chance to carry her except for her parents and my aunt! Cause she wld start crying like we just abuse her so badly!


My no-choice-cake. Wanted cupcakes but it was way too late.


My sisters setting my birthday cake on FIRE!!



The family photo.

My students.

De percussionista.

I rmb 2 weeks before my birthday, all my friends started asking me what I want. They had no idea what to get for me cause I already had everything. It's just funny that what present you are gonna expect. And because it's your 21st birthday, you can always ask for a BIG ONE!! It's your 21st birthday dude!! Don't ask for nothing!! hahaha....

Gifts requested by yours truly:

From marilyn and Wei bin
Who else can this be from?

Abn colleagues.

From popiah.


From poly classmates.

I msg-ed them to tell them what to get. But there were some that bought the right things for me.


Jewellery box from some colleagues who cldn't make it.


Mirror from Eanna.

Bikini from Mai & Ricky.

From Andy & Daph. Love the watch and the book. But I misplaced the book!! boo hoohoo...

From my lovely sisters.


Had $700 red packets from my uncle and aunties. And Aunt Emily paid for my buffet. ^-^

Thinking back. Though it might have been tired but having so many people at my party was lovely. Tears almost filled me when they sang the birthday song for me. Kind of shy too cause cause I haven't had a party since I was 5 or 6?!

The party wldn't been successful without some help as I didn't had time to buy the necessary things due to work.

Meiying:
Thank you for the help in getting the party decos, goodie bags,sweets and pumping the ballon. Leading in singing the birthday song. And setting my cake on fire! I still owe you money!!

Meichan:
Thank you for pumping the ballon and putting up the decos.

Ricky:
Thanks for packing the goodie bags and stealing the sweets at the same time! Thank you for being the camera man with shaky hands!

Mai:
Thanks for packing the goodie bag!

To all of you! Thanks for coming! You guys made it lovely!

That's all for now... TBC!

Posting an entry seems tougher and tougher nowadays.

A good and soundless sleep is hard to get by.

A good long break takes forever to come.

When can my rest come?

Finally manage to "steal" some time to update.

Heading to the gym just makes me feel so good but still I feel fat cause I'm eating. uh huh! Signs of anorexia. Yes yes... am watching out for that. Still munching chips down my throat but only a few pieces.

Anyways was on the bus the other day, heading somewhere when this just hit me.

Happiness. What is that? Each individual has our own definition of happiness. A simple 3 syllabus,9 letter word but it's worth is higher than that.

So what's the measure of yours? Or you've yet to think about it.

Slow down. Take a few secs to think. Soon you'll realise secs would turn to mins then hours. Now you're starting to think.

When I mention happiness here, I don't mean having "the man" of your life. Come on we're still young (if only my friends are reading). Life's a bitch, you never know a better man will come along one day. We are the new age women. Stronger and tougher.

But like I say each individual has different point of view to happiness. Maybe to some people having lots of branded goods is their happiness. Ain't trying to say that it's materialistic. Those are the results of hard work so pamper yourself!!

Gucci,Guess,LV.... blah blah... as the list goes on. They're never my kind of thing. Despite coming out to work for nearly a year plus. I still don't set my eyes on those. But I love bags. Cheap affordable bags that have different style and look.

Heading to the gym 3 times a week is an enjoyment for me. No matter how tired. The thought of putting on weight is just simply unacceptable. I've become paranoid I'm aware of that. Watching my diet and keeping fit.

Making the percussion band a success. Lots of performance,exposure. Excel at work. Hoping to change an environment. Studying part-time and working full-time which I simply can't wait. It sounds insane.

But this is my happiness. These are the things that satisfy me. That could keep me smiling.

Had dinner with my mum just now and she was so happy... And I realise I have not been spending time with her. I've been coming home late and barely get the chance to see her. She's happy but I'm sad. Cause she misses me yet I didn't realise it cause she never say it out. But it isn't difficult to see right. She everyday she would call me to ask what time I'm coming home.

"Don't be too late."

That's already a hint. But I was just to busy to even care... No heartless I would say.

So I came out with this plan. Every sat would be dinner with mummy. Bring her around for good food.

After reminders from Aud and Weiloong, I decided for a short entry! ",)

well it's always better then nothing. Ha...

Anyways life been rather the same. Same old roller coaster life. But wait. Not exactly the same. There are some changes to work. The lady helping me tendered! Thanks Thanks! Thought that we've finally found someone who will stay long. But now she's gonna be gone soon.

And I can't help asking myself.

"WHAT THE HELL AM I STILL DOING HERE?!"

Working my arse off! Having my dept head saying... "Do you know that our company is paying her very high?!"

Oh! So what I'm only a dip. holder! You have a problem with dip. holder having high pay! I'm so glad that I ain't working in yr used-to-be section. Where you even pay yr contract DEGREE holder PEANUTS! They're your staff! Not yr slaves!

But sadly you're soon gonna be my EX-boss! ",)

I'm getting sick of my job. But am worried. Quitting without a job is dangerous! There's a risk after 3 months, I'll be shaking legs at home, logging on the jobsDb, sending tons of resumes that when tat stupid someone calls you and asked if you did remember, think hard you'll still end up saying no!

And I've been overspending recently. So I guess I'll have to stick on to some time later.

That's the problem when you start doing online shopping and when you lose weight! You know you can just fit into it even without trying.

The fact that I'm happy that I've lost weight seems to backfire to all the adults in my life. My parents (esp. mum), my auntie Emily, my boss Lydia and some of my colleagues. I look way too skinny. That's what they commented.

Can you imagine my relatives used to call me "xiao pang" and few days back when i went back to my uncle's place for dinner. They all actually said I was skinny.

See it's difficult to satisfy all these adults. But so long as I'm happy.. It's cool. Heading to the gym every alternate days in I can. Still watching out my diet but sometimes I still give myself a little treat. After 3 mths of controlling,losing 10 kgs and now heading to the gym... I think I can still afford that little treat. Though I still feel guilty about eating. Yes I'm a little anorexia but still under control. It's all in the mind.

But I've to give away alot of my clothes but i'm happy to do so! Cause....

As the saying goes....

"If the old doesn't goes, there's no room for the new ones!"

Hey peeps! Pardon me for not blogging this week. Just got back from Osaka ytd. Totally zonked out. Will update soon about my wonderful trip and the sadness of coming back to this land.

For now! it's bed time! Night!

Hi... My name is Jocelyn. The useless biatch.

Least that's the way I feel about myself and it makes me disgusted. Pissed with myself. Why can't I be stronger? Stand firm with my decision and not be soft-hearted. Not give in or even let anyone have the chance to see the weak "Jocelyn".

3 years. T'was the time I saw the fruit of my labour. The person that I wanted myself to be after that oh-so-silly incident. The strong,tough and serious Jocelyn that everyone could see. Not a single drop of tears or helplessness on my face. No longer the person who would start crying when I'm so over-stressed. I did it. In fact I enjoyed the fruit of my labour and kept the old me in a memory box. Sealed.

But it was not until when I stared out of the bus window,with penny of thoughts, tthat I realised that the old Jocelyn was pushing, with all her might ,her way out from that memory box. Soon I realised that she was coming back already, and the Jocelyn that I've tried so hard to create is almost gone.

Just one person it's enough to knock me down. I'm on the verge of losing this battle. And I'm not willing to! It's not fair. Since when I was to be an extra player in someone else's planned game. That wasn't supposed to be the way it is.

I hate myself for being so vulnerable in front of you! To prove you right that I'm just like most of the girls out there who needs another half for support. But each time when I decided to be firm and hard-hearted, with just one msg. I defeated myself. Each time when I agree to meet you, I feel useless!! ABSOLUTELY USELESS!

You knew that I want to see you so badly,something I never dare to admit to my friends but I'm saying it here right now, and when I said it's ok that I don't meet you, the question comes.

"I'm asking you one more time, do you want or not."

And you won. Just like that. You got me to say it out which is what you wanted me to.

"You know I've always been like that."

That's what you told me. At that moment, I realised how stupid I was. You're luring me to be someone that I never wanted myself to be ever again.To lure that person in the memory box out.

I mocked at myself as I read that msg, how did I ever let myself fall into such things again.

As I placed my cell down on the table, I made up my mind. It's gonna be a test for me this time round. I'm gonna push that person in the memory box back to where she rightfully should be.

Cause no one except myself, can make me lose the battle against me.

Ever had the experience of bumping into someone from the past? Someone that used to be so significant to you at that time?

If you did. How did you feel?

Happy that you saw an old friend? Or was it the heartbreaking memories that start filling you and you realise that tears started to fill your eyes which uncontrolably roll down that rosy cheeks of yours? Washing your happiness and smile away as it drip onto your top?

Time seem to stop at that instant and you could feel your body getting hot despite the cold weather. And you don't know whether to smile or say hi.

I don't know about you but these were the questions that I have always been asking myself.

I finally found the answer yesterday.

After supper at "MakanSutra", cia,weishan,ligen and I headed to the hong kong cafe that served the most horrible food that you can ever pay for. Laughing as I filled them the details of my weird,which cia and ligen heard as wet,dreams. It was really weird not WET! Something supernatural. It's not about the dream.

In the mist of our loud laughter, cia waved to someone. Being a normal human, I turn back and saw someone. I didn't thought that we would ever get the chance to bump into each other. After all it's been almost a year or so.

Back facing the direction he was walking, only our heads met. As he walked past our table and me, the feeling came. The feeling of happiness when you see an old friend. Not the heartthrob feeling or the painful memories. None of that actually surface or filled the picture. It didn't take away the laughter from me.

In fact it felt good to see a classmate after so long.

Under the moonlight or rather cafe's light with a oh-I-think-i'm-so-handsome guy sitting opposite our table, I've got the answer to my questions. =)

Have been sleeping rather late these few days and eating abit too much! Gotta watch out on that!

Finally, I step foot into "Timbre". Went there 4 times and on the fourth visit I finally went in. boy oh boy... is it just so difficult to get a drink and get myself lost in good music?!

Wednesday's night Timbre outing was fanta-bulous! The company (weishan,ligen,cia and hannah) were great! Pizza was good. Talking about!! It's been nearly 2 months since I allow myself to indulge in treats like PIZZA! Since we were out to unwind and have fun!! Just gotta keep the rules in the pocket for that few hours.

Since we were at Timbre and, weishan and ligen were there too. How could we missed out something so important that has to part of our outing! Alcohol. ^_^

Ordered 1/2 a dozen of "Sex on the beach" and 1/2 a dozen "Tequila shot", buckets of 5 henieken and my "seabreeze" which they called in the "long gang" water. Had a glass of lychee champagne which taste like beer. Hoegarden to be exact.

Got way too out of hand and before I realise. I drank too much. Was sober but walking straight and up the stairs was difficult. Shared a cab with ligen and cia. Being the strong and kind me,I decline their offer to walk me up. Which I did manage to.

"Thump!".

I fell onto the sofa with my sister there. Wearing the wrong shoes, I become handicapped. My sister unbuckle my heels. Got up on my feet and almost fall back to the window. Got my balance back and walked a coupls of steps. I let myself fall to the floor effortlessly. Laid flat down with my sister,meichan, taking out my bracelets and necklaces. Crawled my way back into the room. But I still had the ability to remove my make-up and bathed.

Despite the hot shower and I couldn't wake up. Couldn't get the strength back. With another thump, I sat on my other sister,meiying's bed and asked if you could dry my hair for me. Which I felt my body fall lazily back on her.

And I crawled up to my bed and under my blanket. And it was sweet dreams.

With all those noise that I made and the time I was home, luckily my mum was still sleepily soundly that I could quietly sneak into bed. ^-^

And of cause! Having to be on leave the next day! =)

Time: 22:38pm (awfully sad but so true.)

Location: Lvl 26,ORQ.

yea... yours truly is still trapped in the office.

It's total madness,I would say,today. That's the thing I drag most when there's a HK holiday. And it makes it worse when you are all working alone. My kidneys are feeling oh-so-sick! Kidney failure to be exact. Or stones? that's what they say if you hold your bladder TOO long!!!
6 hours to be exact!

But work ended at about 10.15. Am here waiting for my Cia darling to finish up her work and the 3 of us(weishan,cia and I) will head off for some food to fill the empty stomach!!!

Sinful!! But still I've gotta eat! WATCH OUT!! That's gonna make you cry!!! Am still on a diet! Not that strict as before.

Lost about 6kg in a month plus!! more to GO!!!

Well guess that's about it for now.

Will update more when I rmb what I wanna say! ^_^

Here's a toast to all the lovely mothers in the world!

*cling*

But of cause. Mother's day is not only today! Only today is the day, that's what makes it special.

And no matter how big or small the gift is, they always appreciate it.

For us, mother's day celebration was yesterday. Headed to the crystal jade restuarant at Ngee Ann City. The total bill was abt 500+ and mum paid for it!! haha...

Ok pls don't start cursing and swearing for being such an unfillial daughter.

This mother's day my mum had the biggest present ever. Her wish came true.

I rmb having a conversation with her. She said mother's day is round the corner and I asked what does she wants.

She smiled to me saying,"I only have one wish."

I said, "OK! I'll get it for you."

I always knew what her wish was. So without hesitation I agreed. Cause I knew that even if she had the money to do so, she won't ever do it. The money will eventually be spent on us. Seriously there wasn't any pain to talk about when I paid for it. In fact, it was a sense of satisfaction. Finally it's my turn to be able to make her wish come true. However that's not gonna be able to repaid for what she has done for us. Never!!!

At least, she's happy.

It was sweet of my sisters to contribute a little(lots to them) despite that they are not working.

Now this was the thing that we bought for her.



yes. A 2.3K LV lastest and limited edition bag.

^-^

But if i'm gonna get it for myself!!! Saw the blood?!

It's over.

If you had met me by chance for the past 2 weeks, tell me something and i'll just forget it almost immediately. It was a hectic week for me. The previous week on friday, I gave tuition to near 12 after work. And since that day, you won't see me home before the clock strikes 12.

On monday, the eve of labour day, I worked till 8+ and headed to Nini's house for tuition. Left at 2+. Reached home.Showered. But it wasn't bedtime for me. Had to do some science papers for the answers. Didn't sleep till 5 in the morning. Before I could really rest, it was time to wake up and continue marking and searching the web for answers to questions I didn't know. And it was time for tuition again.

The worse? I taught till 2.30 on wed and had to wake up at 7+ for work.

Most amazing thing of all? I never thought that talking too much would EVER be one of the reason why I lose my voice. Was wrong. I just kept teaching and teaching. Talking and Talking non-stop for hours and hours. yea... by now you wld have thought drink more water. WHICH I DID!! more than 2 litres a day! It wasn't a sore throat. wasn't any pain to talk abt.

My voice was husky. My boss thought I was sick. For a week plus. I never imagine I could go to such an extent. The strength and determination from God was amazing.

And of all time, I made a terrible mistake at work. My boss had to clear my shit. It wasn't the best time for this to happen. I was feeling terrible. Wanted to quit out of guilt, cause I just felt I was incompetent. Perfectionist u can call me. Humans all make mistakes but I just can't allow myself to have that. I felt condemn. Condemn by my authoriser and boss.

Hannah woke me up with this.

"U're condemning yourself! No one is. God's people will NEVER be condemn!"

For a fact, it was right. All along I was condemning myself, cause now everything is back to normal. They're talking to me. casually just like the past.

That was the past 2 weeks. Hectic. Balancing between work and tuition. Kept busy every single minute,gives me no time or room for my mind to think about other things. The numbness of work. Overworking. I like it. Love it. Wished it could be like tat most of the time. Ain't nuts. I just want it.

Besides this 2 major things, I can't really remember what happen for the week. I think I've overworked so much that for the 2 weeks while I was working my memory span was less than 1 min. Was doing sth and had to divert my attention to something else. But when I'm done, I can't rmb what I have to do. Not just once. Probably a couple of times in a day. =D

Well thank God it's break time now!!

Anyways my mum bought me my 21st birthday pressie already! When i'm only turning 21 in SEPT!! End of SEPT! She said she was anxious. =.=

About what? No idea man.... But what I know is that. She's a super traditional mum when it comes to things like that. By now you might know what she bought for me. A necklace.... with a key pendant. It's white gold. It's really nice and I love it.

I asked why didn't you buy a DIAMOND necklace instead?!!! hahah...

Now that was a joke. Diamond ain't really my thing. Branded goods are never my thing too. It's definitely my mum's! Cause this mother's day, her wish is gonna come true but burn a big hole in my pocket! She's getting a LV for mother's day gift!! Can't believe it?

In fact, I was the one that say I'll buy it for you!! ^-^

Nothing wrong with that. She never bear to buy it for herself. Every single cent she earned, she spent it on us. And how is that 1,000 over bucks bag ever gonna repay her love for us. Something I ought to do.

Was having a casual conversation with my mum that day while I was taking a shower, while she was sitting in the kitchen. I asked her why don't she moved us. After all, we have al grown up and the space is getting smaller! and yea! with all my stuff.

"I can sell this house. Buy a new one and since I have not buy any new house before i'll get some blah blah... but i'm so old already. If I do so now, it's like putting a whole new burden on my shoulder."

She has got a point,I thought to myself.

"Anyways you guys are already so big and getting married in a couple of years. That time we'll just move in with you guys."

I laughed and told her. What if I'm still single at the age of 35!!!

"You won't." That sounded kind of worried from her tone.

I insisted. What if. And she finally said if that's the case, that time u'll buy a new house and we'll stay with you! Not a bad idea eh.

You can't rule out this possibility. The number of single women at the age of 35 is increasing rapidly in Singapore. I told her.

"Mami. Women in your era and my era are so different. And your daughter,me,belongs to the women of MY era."

That means it's the career mindset.

Men and women have equal work opportunities now. Over the years, everything have changed. Education was no longer just for the men but for women too. That was the time when they started to plant the seedling. A society with career-minded women.

In the beginning, men were supposed to lead and women to follow. Asked any women now, out of 10, 7 would laugh at that thinking. Yours truly is one of them.

Question.

Are men getting weaker or are women becoming tougher?

I would say. Men ain't getting weaker but in fact the women are getting tougher. More independent. Men were born to be masculine,tough and strong. Providing the kind of support for women. They still are now. Just that the difference now is that women are catching up.

I wanted to get married at the age of 22. Laugh if you want cause even I,myself, can't help laughing at my sillyness and stupidity. That thought was before I came out to work or rather before some incidents that had happen that made a major change in life.

It didn't took long for me to have the career woman mindset. about a month plus. The early marriage was out of the picture. It was all about supporting myself and my parents. Buy a house myself. Depend on myself,instead of waiting for someone to support me. Not a single tear for anyone or even any stress that come my way.

To me that's a weak woman. Not someone I would want myself to become. Not even a chance!

After so much had happen, it has become clear to me. The exact things that I have to focus and give my all at this point of time.

Enough said. Bedtime!

Ciaoz!

Fear. A distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid. Or it can be explain as concern or anxiety; solicitude.

Stress. The importance or significance attached to a thing; emphasis: to lay stress upon good manners. Which in this case, it's not what I'm talking about. It's more of a physical, mental, or emotional strain or tension.

Stress level is slowly building up. And at this time, I'm losing all the sleep that I'm suppose to have. Energy is using up but not replenished for me to go further. I could be so tired when I reached home,almost drained and dead. But as I lie low on my bed, I can't sleep. Finally when I'm into dreamland, I found myself awake checking the time on my hp. And that was only an hour or so of sleep. To fall asleep again, it would be 3-4 hours later and waking up at intervals of 1-2 hours.

As usual, sleep was the way it was. Despite that had to wake up at 8 in the morning for service. Still it was a long day ahead. No matter how sleepy, I had to get it going. Student's exams are round the corner. To be exact. 2 more weeks. At this point of time, I really hope that God could give me more than 24 hours a day. Maybe 48 hours? yea. 2 days in one day. I could do tons of things. I could go through as much as I want.

Responsibility is the thing that makes the word "STRESS" look even bigger than ever. Time is running out. I know. The tiring thing is that I have to run after it. The cruel fact? Time waits for no man. I don't mind skipping dinner or losing sleep, or even teach till the wee hours, so long as they do well.

Feeling stressful is already a big burden. At the same time, I'm fearful. I have so many things running through my head. I was holding to it so firmly and I thought I have gotten over it. In fact,convinced myself. And I have come close to losing it, something that I struggled so hard to hold on to. Now. I would gripped on to it real tight. So tight that no one can take it away from me.

My fear?

Everything just happen all at a time. I've to face it alone and try to do it alone. There's no one who can help me or go through it with me. No one. I'm not even sure if I can get it right yet I have to get it right.

A week has finally past. It wasn't the kind of week that I thought it would be like. It seem so long on monday that saturday is coming. And now it's already saturday. Finally a day for just myself to sort out my thoughts.

So much things had happen this week. Bitter,sweet,sour and spicy. I had it all. One after another. Have not been sleeping well. Turn in early, divert my calls to my voicemail. But still I just could not sleep through. I woke up every intervals of 3-4 hours.

Went to bed at 9 on monday. But was haunted by worst nightmare that one could ever had. Work. 888......3414.... 888.....8697....5,000,000.... Figures. yes it keep flashing in my head,before my eye. Something that I do everyday,suddenly I seem stuck. I could not even get a simple payment done.

I open my eyes in fear and tried forgetting abt it. But once I shut my eyes. There it goes again.

It wasn't the same for the next couple of days but getting into a deep and proper sleep was impossible. Wish I could take one large sleeping pill and just knock out. Wanted to get it from Hannah ytd but I had an appt which was cancelled this morning.

Work was boring ytd. I finished early at 6.30. Was tired but I wanted to go for a shopping spree. From a shopping spree to waiting for an hour plus at the salon for Hannah to get her hair cut and highlight. Boy!! Never knew I had so much patience! Thankfully I had the company of my MP3 player that I would die without it.

Pretty stylist haircut! The reason she took so long was because!!! Her hairstylist said! Your friend is so stylist! You can't lose to her!! haha... MAN! He's so cute!! Made me happy cause this! was coming from a hairstylist, that knew how to appreciate it!

Headed to Bugis for a SHORT shopping, manage to bought a dress at a steall of 22 bucks! And met up with Wei Shan. Spent sometime at Breko. Had salad for dinner, well it's still better than nothing. Talk and had a good laugh!

As usual. Hannah was rushing me to talk to my mum and asked if I could move out and stay! OH!!! I just love the idea of it!! The smell of freedom... oh no! not freedom . I have that already! it's INDEPENDENCE!!! The whole idea of it just excites me!! I've always wanted to move out and learn how to be independent.

It would be even better that I could leave this place. Study overseas. Due to restrictions! uh huh... like money! I was thinking maybe I could finished up my studies here and get a job overseas!! Perfect plan!

While reading, I'm not sure if you can feel how I feel or the kind of feeling that I'm giving. The desperateness of leaving this place. The desire for a whole new environment and experience. There are so much more out there to see.

Thought of joining world vision to third world countries to help, perharps from there I'm able to learn that my problems are far incomparable to what they are going through. We worried about what to eat for lunch,what we should wear to work to look good,what brand of shampoo is good. But there's only one thing on these people's mind. I survived through today but what about tml?

A question that would never be asked by most of us here.

oh well... all these are the plans I have in mind. I still have to complete my studies and get my degree.

Talking about degree! I went for my interview at UniSim! I got accepted! for the JUL 08 intake! Cause I met NONE of their criteria!! I had to be 21 and above and 2 years working experience!!! What a joke!! But the lady was kind enough to tell me what I could do. I didn't know what to do after she said that. Are you trying to tell me that I can get in and have to try next yr?! But fortunately she accepted me. So I'll have to wait till Jan 08 to take some certificate programmes which are modules in the course and when I start in Jul I could be exempted. At least time is saved! =)

Funny huh!! When you applied for it, they didn't call and tell me. Instead asked me to go for an interview. But if i'm not wrong, I think the place is secured. Gotta wait for their call. So now I don't have to save so much! At least I can spend a tiny bit! Not too much of cause!

Caught "300" on thursday! oh boy!!!THE SPARTANS!!! I could pay for another time to see their SIZZLING SEXY hot bodies!!! Each and every one of them!!! Of cause the main point isn't that. Lazy to type more. So just read up or watch it for those we have not!!

Time to PACK!

I've always believe that everyone around me,people i know and don't know, are all pure and innocent. At least that's the way I chose to look at people. Everyone is good.

But as the truth are uncovered before my eyes. I realise I was wrong. The world is not made up of only the good ones. Balance is the word. The bad ones balance it.

Everyone of us,when born into this world, we brought nothing with us. We don't even know what lying is. And if the world wasn't that complicated and if humans was not that vulnerable, till today we won't know what lie is. People lie to get what they want. People lie so that they can run away from responsibilities.

That incident. Has taught me the greatest lesson in my life. Don't trust men.

Each time I look back , I feel so ashame of myself. For not being able to be strong and breakdowning in front of so many people. And this kind of feeling makes me feel pathetic of myself. Pride and dignity. I've lost it that time. And I vow that I won't breakdown in front of anyone else! Not for anything. Especially for some stupid issue.

You may think I'm silly and stupid. You may feel that I'm just a pathetic girl trying too hard. But that's the only way I can protect myself from having another wound which would heal but leave a scar forever.

I have to be tough and strong. Even if i'm not. I have to act tough. To not get hurt.

The world is changing. In fact too fast. People are having different concepts now. So different that sometimes I wonder am I too outdated and conservative or people are just too open-minded.

Sometimes the relationship between some girls and guys are just so complicated. Some could bring themselves to toy with people's feelings. Not anyone in specifically.

Question. How could they ever bear to do it?

I did ever thought of not being serious,have some flings and play with people's feelings. But I realise I can't. I can't bring myself to be so cruel to people. The thought of vulnerable ones going through that process.

Don't we all belong to the same species? How could one wonderful creation be so cruel to another. Leaving ugly scars on their hearts, that no matter how much he/she trys to conceal. You could see it in her eyes when she's deep in thoughts.

It's the state I'm in now. Scars that gives me the fear of trusting anyone,not even my closest one.

I remember Aud once said that I'm too independent. Independent? I never thought this word would be used on me. Never ever did I think I was.

This was what she replied.

"Sometimes I still wanna depend on my mother on some things."

I think otherwise. I didn't wanna depend on my mum ever since I came out to work. Though she still gives me pocket money. If i'm accepted for Uni. I'm gonna support myself through the years of uni. Working full-time and studying part-time is not gonna be easy. But I'll do it. I would rather suffer for a few years than to depend on my parents or my relatives. That is. Another stage to go through to be even stronger,since i'm the eldest in the family.

However tough it is, I will not give up. I'm not gonna let anyone see the weak me.

Enough said till here. Too much to digest.

Anyways caught 2 movies recently.


Watched "The number 23" last night. Pretty ok show. Abit of twist and turns. But!!

"Freedom writers" is highly recommended. =)

This scence was really touching. What this kids had gone through are things that were not happen when it was 1992 in Singapore. And also the part that they realise some adult is listening to them like they never before.

The debate session. Totally no idea what they were arguing about. Probably the battle between the 2 sexes.Respect.

Lastly! Ain't he Charming!!

I'm giving way. My body is. My mind is.

I'm stressed up and tired. One week five days I worked almost 10-12 hours. Probably longer for some people. But for me. It's tiring. And weekends I'll have to run around for tuition. And stress is building up on my shoulder that I can no longer lift it up.

My students' exams are round the corner. Probably in 3 weeks time. And I've so much things to do. I'm worried about their results. Worried for them. To me,their bad results is my failure.

Time is just running out. And because of work. Having tuition on weekdays are always so difficult. By the time I finish, it would be too late to go over. And I can't just throw my work to my authoriser. It makes me feel irresponsible.

Told Eanna and Lydia that I'll have to leave early during late aprils and may. I feel guilty.

Am I too responsible or what? I hate leaving my work to someone else to do just cause I need to rush off. It pisses me off. Though my bosses don't mind. They knew from the very first day that I was giving tuition.

And I've never thought of giving up anyone of the 3. They are my students but the kind of close relationship it's more than a student-tutor kind of relationship. I'm not sure how they feel, but that's how I feel.

At times they do pissed me off for not doing their work. But when worries sets in, anger is just nothing at all.

Well just gonna hang in there for one more day. After which it's a long weekend. From thursday to monday and back to work on tuesday.

Pretty packed for all the days. In fact all packed up!

Gotta head to bed. The pain in my head is making me insane!

Deception. The world is full of it.

I've learnt. Not to trust.

My Drunkards experience.

I'm not sure how many of us have had experience with drunkards before and how their small little actions could trigger the laughter in you. I've always thought that getting yourself drunk was the most unglam state to get into. All the puking,shouting and blabbering that doesn't make any cow sense at all.

Till date. I've seen 3 man. erm... 1 man and 2 guys, drunk.

The first person and the most unexpected one was my dad. That was a hilarious one. I remember studying in the room with my sisters and my parents came home with my auntie. And they told us our dad was drunk. No one actually believed till we saw it with our own eyes.

For the first time I saw my dad drunk and being carried into the house. He just sat on the kitchen floor totally knock out but still blabbering... Vulgarities in hainanese! I'll never forget that.

Come on!! It's my dad!! The father that was so stern and strict to us when we were younger. The one that look like a monster when he holds the cane up. Is now seated on the kitchen floor half-dead and blabbering vulgarities.

We could do nothing except for standing there,stare at him and laughing.

The second experience was one of my classmate. Which I think most prob we would just give it a miss cause it was nothing much as compared to the first and third experience, which was yesterday.

And I've learnt a lesson. "How to babysit a drunkard".

Drunkard babysitted yesterday-swee wah.

T'was his 21st birthday! I've already wished him so not another time. For the first time in my whole damn 6 years, I saw him PISSED DRUNK. No need for more description of how a drunkard would behave. =) It's his 21st!

Conclusion?

I resent drunkards. For some reason.

3 hours of sleep was what I had. And I'm starving now and my eyelids are getting heavier. Pizza is taking it's own sweet time. HUNGER WAITS FOR NO FOOD!

ok. Probably that didn't make a single sense. But it's FOOD and SLEEP that I can think of now.


I wanna get this!

The one and only issue that has been weighing me down is now a burden off.

Submitted my application for Uni after thinking and considering for a long time.

It wasn't easy but it wasn't that tough either.

Decision making always makes me feel like a bitch. I hate myself for being indecisive and at those moments. I would hope for someone to make a decision for me. But too bad. Sometimes adults,i mean family and relatives,tell you to make your own decision. And when you finally made up your mind and tell them watcha wanna do. They would start giving comments and say it's not good. There's no future. And they would like to end the sentence with.

"I'm just telling you. Giving you comments. But ultimately,it's you to decide. It's your life, you don't live under my shawdows."

AND! They would give that face.

So what am I suppose to do?

That's how it's like in my family. They like to do that.

But hell no am I gonna do what I'm doing in poly. No more finance! NO no no!

That was my first big thing in my life at the moment. For now it's just waiting.

Work was fine this work. I knock off before 7.30pm almost everyday! What more can I ask for? More pay rise?!

Certainly hope so.

Sick sick sick... I'm feeling sick.

Anyways after thinking for so long and searching. Getting lost and confused in between. I've finally made up my mind.

Watched "The pursuit of Happyness" yesterday night. Well not a bad show. An inspiration show.

"Don't ever let anyone stop you from doing what you dream. Not even me."

That was what Will Smith said to his son in the show.

The cutest dude in the whole show!

Next thing.

Barclays and ABN Amro intend to merge.

Barclays, ABN Amro in talks to create banking giant
Posted: 20 March 2007 0444 hrs

ONDON : Dutch bank ABN Amro and British banking group Barclays on Monday confirmed they were in "early and exploratory" talks over a possible merger to create the world's fifth-largest bank.

Shares in ABN Amro had soared 9.6 percent earlier on press reports that Barclays wanted to make an offer to buy the Dutch group.

"Barclays PLC confirms that it is in exclusive preliminary discussions with ABN Amro Holding NV concerning a potential combination of the two organisations which will create value for both sets of shareholders," Barclays, the third-biggest British bank, said in a statement.

"These discussions are the result of careful consideration to create a highly complementary partnership. The talks are at an early and exploratory stage and there can be no certainty that they will lead to a transaction."

A takeover by Barclays of ABN Amro would create a group with a market capitalisation of more than US$160 billion (120 billion euros), making it the world's fifth-biggest behind Citigroup, Bank of America, both of the United States, China's ICBC and British rival HSBC.

The combined enterprise would have 47 million clients and employ 220,000 people in 50 countries.

Analysts viewed a tie-up as being positive for ABN Amro which is under pressure from some of its shareholders who want to break it up.

"After recent activist investors pushing ABN to break-up, a merger with a highly respected bank as Barclays may not be something they could refuse," Dresdner Kleinwort analysts James Eden and Ian Gordon said in a research note before the announcement.

The Dutch bank, which has big interests in emerging economies, is facing break-up demands from hedge fund investors The Children's Investment Fund (TCI) and Toscafund, which want management to sell assets separately to make profits for shareholders.

Meanwhile, analysts said that Barclays could also face competition for ABN Amro from other banks, including BNP Paribas or Societe Generale in France, US-based Wachovia and Spain's Banco Santander Central Hispano. They are all thought to be interested in acquiring parts of the ABN Amro empire.

Barclays's stock dropped 0.8 percent to 677 pence on Monday.

"The value of ABN broken up is more than the whole. Royal Bank of Scotland or Wachovia could buy ABN's US and Treasury businesses, while Santander could buy its Brazilian and European retail banking businesses," said Magnus
Mathewson, banks analyst at stockbroker Hitchens Harrison.

A deal between Barclays and ABN Amro was first mooted two years ago but was torpedoed by the chief executive of the Dutch bank, Rijkman Groenink.

Groenink had insisted then that cultural, legislative and governance differences meant that ABN Amro would be the "junior" partner in the deal and would be "absorbed" by Barclays.

The market capitalisation of Barclays is currently 44.3 billion pounds while ABN Amro is 39.1 billion pounds, so the difference in size persists.

Barclays said last month that its net profit surged to a record 4.571 billion pounds last year, while ABN Amro announced a rise in profit of 7.6 percent to 4.78 billion euros for 2006. - AFP/de.