Ok I've change my tagboard... Some of my frens had prob tagging so gotta change it... Anyways, andrew try tagging... See if it works... If not it's not the tagboard... But somehow you make me feel that it's the tagboard... not u... :D

Confused?

Work wasn't busy today... It was kind of relax... I finished my work at about 5 and even had time to talk on the phone and crap with Andrew... Yup we were talking openly in the office... Who cares! We finished our work didn't we?

And It's rare that I've nothing to do and finished at 5... Usually at 5, I would be in the photocopying room getting ready to do Forex batching... With lots of people interrupting in between that delays my work... DARN! But well I made all my friends there... haha... it's the best place to know people from other department! :D I made quite a few....

The reason for such a relax day is because it's a public holiday right over at US... So no US currency today... But!! It means lots of work tml!!! And everything goes back again... SIAN!

After work went back to school for sectionals... Not bad! We work quite abit! went through almost every piece for the concert... Lots to work on for me...

It's the first day of school for every peoople in SP today... But not me! I'm still having my ITP!!! Which ends NEXT WEEK!!! MAN! It seems long! It is long! Especially with... *eHeM*

Once again the school is liven up again... With all the students... And CCAs going on... And suddenly I'm not used to it... Been going back during the holidays and there's hardly a single soul there.... But now it's filled with people... And today I had a different feeling when I'm back there...

I felt so scared... The fear in my heart... I know what it is and where it comes from... I didn't wanna say it out coz... Probably I don't wanna face it...

Each time I go up to the washroom... I'm scared... Why is there this fear in me? It's nothing... Isn't it? I'm there in the bandroom... But my heart and soul is not there... Where is it? I'm not sure if everything is written on my face... I'm not sure if they could see it....

My mind is so full of my thoughts... And I'm trying hard to control it... Keep my eyes away and heart to where I am... But I kind of failed I guess.... There's still band tml... And I think I will still feel the same way...

Anyway is the first band prac when school reopens... Just hope I can interact well with the freshmen... :D

The week was just tired... As usual I lack of sleep... :D my "long lost pal"!

Went for a workshop at victory family center yesterday, after which headed home to rest... But still I didn't manage to rest well...

Headed to Sim Lim square just now to hunt for MP3 players... well had my eye on one of them... so now i'm persuading someone to sponsor me! haha... that's my mum... just part of it... :D

bought a pillow and 2 tops... It's cheap... Talking abt that the Great Singapore Sales is here... But I doubt I have the time... And when I have the time, it's weekends! And I totally hate crowds!!! well, let's not talk abt crowd first... I have to look for time... And be Ivan's fashion consultant! Sis! you got to thank me man! :)

Boring! There's work tml!! SIAN! And it means I have to see Maggie! Listen to her nag!! Man! I can't take it!! The thought of it makes me...... ARGH!!! Ok let's not talk about her... It ruins my mood...

Hmm... been wondering since just now... why is it that the person who brought happiness into your life, is also the one that takes it away? The one that took the fear and also the one that brings the fear back... The one that turns the smiles to tears... And causing you to bleed and standing alone...

I don't know if I'm moving on or still standing there... Though I'm smiling, laughing, crapping and enjoying every moment spent with my dear ones... I'm not too sure if I'm slowly getting over it or not... Coz I still think of the past and I realise the pain still comes back... Just like a nail piercing through my heart... It was then that I knew that I've never got out of that shit hole before... It was one-sided, never both sides... So I was the one that actually brought the pain into my life myself...

The decision to guard my heart makes me proud of myself! *wInK*

I'm really glad I'm doing this... I realise how hard it is, and how much courage it took to do so...

CHEERS! I'm off to my dreamland!

smart ass or a fool?

seriously am I smart or just a fool? I really don't know... I never look at the bright side of life before and now it's worse...

Is my life really that sad?! Or do I have the words "come hurt me or cheat me" written on my forehead?!

AH! Heck... No self pity!! Don't engage in self pity! It's the worse thing ever!!

Watever it is get lost if you wanna screw my life... Coz I'm not gonna let u do it...

Caught in the middle...

What should I do? I really don't know.... There are some things that I wanna blog and say... But I can't.... If I will to, things would change... And I meant almost everything! The changes that I hate to see and don't want it to happen...

I really don't know what to do... I'm caught in the middle... the kind of feeling that you know everything but can't say it out due to certain circumstances is totally sucky... my heart is getting heavier and it adds on to my burden...

To blog or not? To say or not?

I can't decide... Therefore thou shall keep it to myself for this moment...

Work is getting more busy nowadays... I'm dead beat... All my brain cells are dead! ok not exactly... At least being busy is better than not doing anything... At least I don't have to help client's closed account the whole day! LOL!! :P

Supposed to go jogging with meiying but well too tired... And meiying didn't want too... So both of us were kind of lazy... But after a day's work I doubt I have the energy to jog...

Haiz... Where's the life that I called life?! Hmm... It seem so far away... Or just like andrew said... sad huh!

It's gonna be a busy week... I open my organiser and I forgot that I'm meeting Marilyn to kayak this sunday... So that means I've got to re-schedule my tuitions... :'(

Or is it good that my schedule is packed? So that I don't think of the unnecessary things...

Yes life is short... you don't know what's going to happen to you the next moment.... Or to your loved ones beside you... So cherish them for as long as you can, don't wait till you lose the chance... By that time it would be too late...

And time passes very fast... so instead of running after time, why not let time run after you?

To my dear Raf, don't worry k! Don't be afraid to close your eyes! You need to rest, it's important! Never mind about those weird dreams you have when you close your eyes... Just know that when you open your eyes, I'll stand by you... Cherish every moment, you don't need me to say much about this coz you know better than me... Just remember I'll always be there for you...

A good sleep! erm... Probably not! I've woke up in between many times! Too many times.. But at least I've rested well! :D

Oh yeah... Finally I'm learning singing the proper and correct way! I guess lots of brushing up to do... Still waiting for my cousin to get back to me... Hmm... Can't wait man! My cousin's fren learns from a Jazz singer! Man! Thinking what I'm thinking? Then I think you've got to have your own thinking! Coz I don't know what I'm thinking at all... :)

Just can't wait...

A day well "spent"...

YEAH!!! IT'S A PUBLIC HOLIDAY TML!!! NO WORK! NO SECTIONALS!! MEANS NO EARLY MORNINGS!!! WAHAHHAHA..... it means this week would be shorter!! :D

OK! It's a sunday... I was almost late for church coz I thought it was a saturday and I simply off my alarm when it went off... Thank God I woke up in time... *pHeW*

After church headed down to my cousin's house, Liping, for house dedication... Coz she and her husband just bought their new house... Well not a bad place... they live on the 12th floor with great view... Definitely a place for those lazy afternoons, when all you wanna do is just SLACK AT HOME! It's quiet... And I can definitely do my quiet time there.... No problem if it's the whole afternoon... :D

After which headed down to town with Meiying... And now this is where my well "spent" day comes in... I went for a shopping spree!! Shopping always never fails to cheer me up man! It's been a long long time since I last shop... I bought 2 books, 3 tops, a pair of heels and 2 pair of socks... Yup I guess that's all... I don't know how much I spent and I don't want to know! All I know is that my biggest debtor now is my sister, meiying! So you better pay me back soon!! haha... Nah no rush! So long as u return me one short instead of one at a time... Pls don't man! It would not go into my bank ever again!

Well suppose to go look for Mp3 player but seems like we side track... We went far off... Talking about Mp3 players... I'm still on the search... Any recommendation guys? My budget is between 100+ - 200...

Time now is 11:51pm... My mind is dead already... Ain't thinking straight anymore... So I'm off to my dreamland soon... Oh probably do some reading first!

Till then, good night peeps!

Through it all
You are forever in my life
You see me through the seasons
Cover me with Your hand
And lead me in Your righteousness

And I look to You
And I wait on You

I'll sing to You Lord
A hymn of Love
For Your faithfulness to me
I'm carried in everlasting arms
You'll never let me go
Through it all

Nice song... But I don't know what took me so long to realise it existence till it came to find me... A song that really reminds me that God will see me through it all and it also expresses what i wanna say to God...

"Jocelyn, have you ever thought of putting this relationship down and consider someone else?"

Someone asked me... It's not the first time that I'm being asked this question... And each time when I'm being asked, I never fail to give the same answer... "I don't know"... would be it...

Cause I seriously don't know... I can't give an answer coz I don't even have the answer myself... And sometimes I would start to question myself... And I realise how unwilling I am to let go coz I'm still hoping for miracle... It's the memories that I can't forget...

Today it's the first time that I open myself up in front of them and letting them know what has been happening for the past few months... I guess they knew about it but just waiting for me to say it out...

Tears have been my food day and night for the past few months... And I started to question God when things happen... Why did He bring this person into my life and take it away suddenly? Why did He forsake me? Where were You when I needed someone so badly? Why ain't You answering my prayer? I felt so lonely and helpless at that time... And death came across my mind several times... Scary huh?! Or rather dumb I should say... It was seriously the darkest time of my life... I lost all my directions and what's ahead of me was just uncertainity...

But it never took Him too long... Or rather He was always there, just waiting for me to confess out how I really feel... It was only when I started to confess my real feelings to Him that He answered me... I begin to realise that He makes me go through this for a reason... I could see the purpose of it all from God's standpoint and I praise Him! People who have been broken become better and more effective Christains... My daily bread guides me through alot during that preiod of time and I'm closer to Him now... I may not be leading a Godly life but am trying hard to do so...

If you want an answer to that question, the answer is no... not yet... I just realise it today... Coz I was sharing with them and it was in my mind on the way home... I couldn't stop thinking and I realise I have yet to let go... Coz everything seems to just happen yesterday... It can't be erase...

I've lost the old me... Probably stronger... But I know that He will see me through all things... I've put my trust in Him and the day when I found the old me back would be the day that He handed the key to the person to unlock my heart and once again believe in love and curl up like a baby in that person's arms whom I rightfully belong to... I'm not sure how long it would take, I'll just wait patiently...

Finally the weekend is here once again... But I'm still not able to stay home to rest... My schedule is packed once again... Darnz!

Work was terrible man! I'm really stress out by Maggie... Oh man! Give me a break, won't ya?!

Remember I ever said that it's alright that I'm paid nuts so long as I learn things... Yes! I still believe so... But it's way too much... if you were to ask me how was work? I can tell you it's shitty! How many mistakes and blunders I've made? It's countless... Too busy till I lost count of it... And it makes me feel lousy... *sIgH*

There's 3 more weeks left, and that's fast... But I'm still hoping that it would end soon... I hate the kind of feeling that I've to wake up early knowing that lots of work are waiting for me! It sucks! Totally! How many times that I woke up in the morning feeling restless and wanting to cry... Probably it might seems stupid to you that I cry but if you have a schedule like mine... I don't know how you will cope with...

There's sectionals tml morning at 9... There goes my time to sleep... but being able to meet up with the percussionists is what I'm looking forward to! Can't wait to crap with you guys and play too!! hehe.. Let's enjoy tml!!

Joanne... Once again thanx for the mail! Indeed the song "behind these hazel eyes" are exactly how I feel... Every single sentence describes how I really feel... So strong on the outside but so broken inside...

I thought I could cover it up with my smiles and laughter now but I guess I can't hide anything from you guys! I'm still not over it and not too sure when I can put this down... the trust was taken away, I don't know where is it now... And I don't know where to search for it... I never believe so and this proves me right even more... I've lose it... The faith and belief that once again existed because of you... Is no where to be seen...

But I'm glad to have you guys! After all, you guys were the one that supported me when I thought I was getting a little stronger but was actually the weakest of all...

I don't know since when did we go further than that... But you guys are becoming more important in my life... PLaying a bigger role... Just hope that this relationship would last more than forever... But unfortunately we can't... So let's just cherish it for as long as we live! :)

I received a mail from Joanne two nights ago... and it left me crying... She was listening to some music and she felt that this song sounded how I probably feel like...

Behind These Hazel Eyes
by Kelly Clarkson

Seems like just yesterday, you were a part of me
I used to stand so tall, I used to be so strong
Your arms around me tight, everything it felt so right
Unbreakable, like nothing could go wrong

Now I can't breathe, no I can't sleep
I'm barely hanging on

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces, can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

I told you everything, opened up and let you in
You made me feel alright, for once in my life
Now all that's left of me is what I pretend to be
So together, but so broken up inside

Cause I can't breathe, no I can't sleep
I'm barely hanging on

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces, can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

Swallow me, then spit me out
For hating you, I blame myself
Seeing you, it kills me now
No, I don't cry on the outside anymore
Anymore

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces, can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces, can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

But later on she dedicated this song to me...

Security
by Joss Stone

A loss that would have thrown
A hole through anybody's soul
And you were only human after all
So don't hold back the tears my dear
Release them so your eyes can clear
I know that you will rise again
But you gotta let them fall
I wish that I could snap my fin

I received a mail from Joanne two nights ago... and it left me crying... She was listening to some music and she felt that this song sounded how I probably feel like...

Behind These Hazel Eyes
by Kelly Clarkson

Seems like just yesterday, you were a part of me
I used to stand so tall, I used to be so strong
Your arms around me tight, everything it felt so right
Unbreakable, like nothing could go wrong

Now I can't breathe, no I can't sleep
I'm barely hanging on

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces, can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

I told you everything, opened up and let you in
You made me feel alright, for once in my life
Now all that's left of me is what I pretend to be
So together, but so broken up inside

Cause I can't breathe, no I can't sleep
I'm barely hanging on

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces, can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

Swallow me, then spit me out
For hating you, I blame myself
Seeing you, it kills me now
No, I don't cry on the outside anymore
Anymore

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces, can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces, can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

But later on she dedicated this song to me...

Security
by Joss Stone

A loss that would have thrown
A hole through anybody's soul
And you were only human after all
So don't hold back the tears my dear
Release them so your eyes can clear
I know that you will rise again
But you gotta let them fall
I wish that I could snap my fingers
Erase the past but no
You cannot rewind reality
Once the tape's unrolled

Chorus:
If your spirit's broken and you can't bear the pain
I will help you put the pieces back
A little more each day
And if your heart is locked and you can't find the key
Lay your head upon my shoulder
I'll set you free
I'll be your security

A moment of despair
That forces you to say that life's unfair
It makes you scared of what tomorrow may bring
But don't go giving into fear
Stop hiding all alone in there
The show keeps going on and on
But you'll miss the whole damn thing
I wish I had a crystal ball to see what the future holds
But we don't know how the story ends till it's all been told

Chorus

On any clock upon the wall
The time is always now
So baby kiss the past goodbye
Don't let the future blow your mind
Just sit back and chill
Take things as they come
You can't be afraid
To live for today
I will be with you each step of the way

Thanx girl! I guess I can't hide it from anyone of you... you guys simply see through me! oh my! I feel so naked in front of you guys! haha... :P

UpdatezZzZzzzzzzz............

My apologies peeps! It's been a long time since I've blog, almost a week I guess... So now I'm here to update about the events that happen in my life recently...

Saturday (14/5)
Well it's one day before the big day... Had to go back for sectionals, one o'clock samba was what we did only... And I headed for tuiton... and down to Siglap after that to see Dr Eu but! He was not there! DAMN!! A waste trip!! Well had to see coz my acnes are back!! FREAK MAN!! It's serious! Hell serious!

Sunday (15/5)
It's the big day!! haha... It's Musical Delights 28!! Had to reach school at 9, to prepare... Coz we need to move instruments! Man! It's tiring! Thanx to those who help to carry the percussion instruments on to the lorry! Was the only girl up there helping and one of the photographer took a pathetic picture of me... Prespiring like hell! It was a hot day...

Just when we thought everything went well, SHIT HAPPENS!!! While doing sound check.. I realise that we forgot to bring the whip! And it's gonna sound weird without it for "Spartacus"! So I have to go all the way back to school just to get it... Thank God Joanne went back with me! Thanx alot girl! Sorry to make you have dinner on the cab...

But I think it was of great help to a number of people... If we haven't went back, Weilun would probably had to buy a new pair of shoes to perform or probably wear socks only?! haha... Who the hell could he forget to bring his shoes?! hmm... I wonder... We wouldn't be able to get the invitation cards for Cindy... Guess it was a trip worth the money?

Once we reach VCH, we headed to our rooms to get our gown and off we go to change... It was already 4.45pm when we reached and we had to be on stage by 5.15 I guess... The concert starts at 5.30pm....

As usual before the concert, we did our tradition... That is to pray... No matter what religion or race we are... It's the percussion unity that counts here...

Response was rather bad for the first piece coz everybody was late... But overall it was alright... Circle seats were FULL!! Some even had to sit on the stairs!

As for me in particular, I guess there was no tension at all... Though I screw up abit here and there but there's still more room to improve... This is the first time that I didn't cry in the process of preparing a concert... i guess it's because I didn't have any mallet parts! Well I did cry once but it wasn't exactly band... But it was band that suddenly this voice came into my head... "If there's anything just come up and look for me"

I cried coz I know it's never possible again...

OK! anyways! All those we came for the concert! Thank you so much! Hope you guys enjoyed! And also to Faezah and Ivy! Thanx for helping out as ushers!

Headed to Holland V with some of the percussionists for dinner then home!! Coz there's work the next day! total crap!!

Basically from Mon to Wed, it's work and tuition... I've been rather busy... I reach office at 8.30... And before I could even start warming up the chair, I have to go to the photocopying room to collect report... Then do CPF trades... Work and work the whole day.... 8.30 to 6... Lunch time is only my break... Though It's busy, but it's good exposure! :)

Went to see Dr Eu on wed... It's becoz of my acne... It's getting serious! The reason is because I've not been getting enough rest... 8.30 - 6 work... after that I've still got tuition.... And for the past few weeks there is band... So it accumulates! Not suddenly! Told Dr Eu my schedule, he was frowning... It seems to be telling me that he is trying to find time for me to rest but can't seems to find any... haha...

"Jocelyn, you are like holding 2 jobs. So why not take a 20mins break before your lunch."

I guess I was right... :) Each time I go back to see him regarding my face, I would feel at ease! I like the way he talks, he smiles and the way he frowns... haha!!! :)

FINALLY!!! MD is over!!! But still there's no break for the percussionist! Coz the next upcoming percussion concert is the main focus now!!! So guys! Let's work hard k!

AND DAMN!! I left my pimple gel at vch!! which I just bought ytd from the clinic!!1 It cost 37 bucks!!! OUCH!!!! It went with me to VCH! But it didn't came back!! DAMN IT!!! I feel that pain man!!!

ok more updates tml... I'm feeling tired... Knocking off ANYTIME!

I'm tired... Really tired... The concert is this sunday, but I can say I'm not really prepared... I'm really worried...

Reached home at 12... Coz was practicing in the bandroom... I'm really worried for that part! I totally have no confidence in playing that part yet I chose that part... I didn't wanna cry coz i didn't felt like it...

Was walking home with Jerm but half way his dad came so she boarded the cab... While I slowly make my way home... Walking and thinking of lots of things... the percussion ensemble and the mallet part...

"If next time you need someone, just come look for me. Share it with me."

This was the sentence that came to me... But it has become part of memories, it can no longer come true... This is the time when I needed that support and shoulder but it's no where to be found... All of a sudden I just remember... Coz you said so...

Everytime when I feel the stress coming from preparing a concert, I would always think of you... The msg that you sent to me just for that small little performance in school... Though I've deleted that msg but it's never deleted from my memories... I can remember exactly what it says... :)

Well... There's nothing I can say coz I don't know what I wanna say... I've not had my dinner and I've not been sleeping well... SO I'M ENDING HERE!!

Sleep and rest...

Yes I need this two things so badly... I've not been resting well... Not getting enough sleep... It's only wednesday... But at the start of the week I'm already worn out...

Coz all my tiredness accumulated since last week? Probably earlier than that...

I've been running from work to band or tuiton... I can't take it anymore! It's so tiring!! I don't know know when I'll break down...

Just like some relunctant kid who doesn't wants to go to school in the morning... Sometimes I feel like crying when I wake up in the morning... I really don't feel like going for work... I am not looking forward to it at all!! I just wanna rest!

The concert is this sunday... I'm already feeling the tension... Just waiting to see myself breakdown... Either thurs or friday.. I don't know...

Once again the pre-concert symptoms is coming back again... The fear, the stress, the tension, those tears that is able to fill most of my memories of my poly life in SP...

And at this time, my students' exams has to come in to make it worse... Just glad that 2 of my student exams are gonna be over tml... Well Nini's one is next week... And though the concert is this sunday... There's not rest for the percussion! Coz the percussion concert is coming!

So my pack schedule is gonna stretch all the way till school re-open!! Plus my students are preparing for PSLE!! haiz...

Till then peeps! Take care!

It's a sunday... A day for an early Mother's day celebration... Everybody is out celebrating Mother's day... But I'm not coz I didn't had the chance to... :(

I was busy with my schedule the whole week and today is suppose to be a Sabbath day... But straight after church I had 3 tuitions... My students are having exams... And I have to rush from one place to another...

Didn't manage to have dinner with her... Partly because she was sick too! Didn't mange to talk to her much too... Coz when I came home it was already 9+... I just feel so sad, not celebrating with her...

I've not get her a gift which I don't intend to... Coz it's kind of useless... So the only thing is to bring her out to eat... But well, everyday is mother's day if we cherish our mums...

Since it's mother's day today, I've a question to ask... Have you guys said "I love you" to your mum before?

If not! Do it today! Don't feel shy! There's nothing to be shy about! Don't wait till it's too late and you will never get the chance to! A simple "I miss you" and "I love you" would brighten up her day and defintely yours! And it's the most wonderful words ever! Coz it's said with real feelings, feelings from the bottom of your heart...

Talking about mother's day, I thought of someone... This person has never left my heart... It's been 3 years but it feels like everything just happen yesterday... I still remember the time that we spent together... The jokes, the fun, quarrels and tears... And definitely the love that you have shower me with for the past 16 years, I will never forget... Though I've make you angry at times but you still love me... You never make me feel that I was alone or abandon... Coz you adore me so much that even when you will terribly sick I was the only one that you remembered so clearly... Grandma I miss you! Thank you for your love! And Happy mother's day! Though you are no longer around but you are in my heart forever... I never felt that you have left... And I know you are happy back at a peaceful place which one day I will be there too...

Just hope that all of you had a wonderful mother's day celebration... But don't just make it today! Make mother's day happen everyday... Coz if not for them, we won't be here...

A million thanks is still not enough...

Today's was the percussion performance at Toa Payoh... It was by the same organisation... "The stage is yours"

But this time it's different... Coz those groups who perform today were selected... The best of the stage is yours! And I'm proud to say that "De Avaganda Percussians" is one of them!! haha... We got a $100 vouchers... ;) We rock!! haha...

Anyway! Good job guys!! I think we did well!! Could see that we really did bring it on!! Th audience did enjoy and so did we!! We were really high!

And ya! Thanx Fendi! You gave us a surprise when I saw you sitting there watching us.. Thanx man! Taking time to come down no matter how far it is! You're the sweetest man!

After the performance, the guys took the instruments back to school and the girls headed to town first... and then we met up for dinner... Had beef noodles~ ! Yummy~

All of us intended to go home but last minute we went down to Esplande... Sorry Ven! It was a last minute decision... only when you and renee left...

Found a spot to sit and had a great talk with muru,charlton,raf,Joanne and Jerm... Update them about my life... And thanx for all the adivse people! I appreciate it... I know you guys are not willing to see me make this decision, coz it's not worth... I'm not back to my ususal self and I have change...

To muru: Thanx for what you have said... It did get into me, but it's just that it came after I've made the decision... Sorry to waste all your saliva and effort... And I know that you always be there to lend a listening ear...

To Raf: You've been great, sweetie! I'll try to smile always! Thanx for being there when I needed someone... And I love you! As a brother and a friend...

To Charlton: Yup... Didn't actually know that you know what happen in my life... Am really shock... But nevertheless Thank you so much...

To Joanne: You are a wonderful girl! Serious! I remember the times when I wanted to cry... You would cool me down by putting a bottle on my face... Be there for me... Lend me your shoulder... Appreciate it...

To Jermaine: Hey! I'm really sorry! I didn't know that my state of depression brought you so much anger and disappointment... Probably I did, but at that time i really couldn't get myself out of it... Though today I've yet to recover and let go... But I won't be the way I am now... I might still be in the state I am previously... I wanna Thank you for being so honest to me! Trying all means to wake me up... I've made my decision and I hope you would give me the support...

Thank you for all the assurace that you guys have gave me tonight! That I'm able to manage the section well! Thank you for believing in me and choosing me... Though as compared to you guys, I don't have a strong foundation in playing percussion... And I'll do my best as a section leader... :)

To all of you! No words can express how much you guys mean to me... I Thank God for all of you, and If I'll to die today... I'm happy that I've live... Coz you guys came into my life... Though I've lost the me before and I don't know how to get it back... I still love you guys! And that's not gonna change... And ya! United we stand!

My horoscope... today's forecast...

You've been given some wonderful gifts -- tact and diplomacy, for starters. Use those talents to get at the heart of the matter. No matter how touchy the situation is, you'll manage.

there's more...

The Bottom Line
You're like a magnet, so go ahead -- own the room. Expect star treatment.

In Detail
If there's anyone who can talk their way in or out of any set of circumstances, it's you. That talent, along with your natural charm, has helped you to find your way through more than one tough situation. You're about to add one more success to that list. Someone you love has been living in a fog for some time now, but you can tell they're not happy about it -- and you're not willing to let them keep doing it. Well, get busy.

can i?

A special friend...

Suddenly I don't know how to start... I don't know what to say... There's so many things on my mind but there is only one thing that is bothering me... The one and only significant issue for the day...

I have to come out with the mc script for the MD percussion ensemble... But I can basically think of nothing... And the script is so sucky!!! I don't know what I'm writing, and it's freaking bad!

My feelings are beyond description, for now the only word would be worried...

Yes I'm worried... But not for the outdoor performance at Toa Payoh central... Coz I know we will do just fine! I have faith in all of you! Or rather all of us! People would enjoy and so will we!

Neither am I worried about the talk tml morning or my pack schedule for the coming week... Coz I've been through so many busy weeks and I know how to deal with it...

I know that all these are under my control... I know what's going on and I know how to handle it...

But there's something I know yet not able to do anything about it... It doesn't concerns me but it concerns someone who is important to me...

It came so sudden and I'm shock... But all those were just for awhile... I'm more worried and upset... Worried for you... And upset that I don't know how you feel and that I can no longer ask you directly...

Are you sad? Are you demoralised? Are you thinking why? Are you somewhere trying to vent it out?

I want to know! I want to know so badly!

Can you tell me... or rather I should say will you tell me? Tell me how you feel...

I want to be there for you, give a listening ear and share whatever feeling you are having and the shitty stuff that you are experiencing...

I know I can't... And never can I... Probably you are not feeling the way that I've said... Or probably you have found someone else... But I'm still here and I'll always be... do you know that?

I'm always ready to listen to what you say... I've always been waiting by my phone for your call or waiting for your msg... Even though each time when the phone rings or when I receive a msg, it's not you... I am still waiting for a miracle...

Call me silly... call me dumb or stupid for all you want...

I don't give a damn! Coz it's my right to care for a friend... that mean so much to me... I don't know as a friend how much I worth to you... you have your own rights to choose the friends that you feel are important to you... and I have no say... But I would still care for you the way I did before, even if I worth nothing...

Without fail, I would say a prayer for you almost every night before I go to sleep... Praying that this friend of mine would be safe and sound... No matter where you are or what you are doing...

And tonight before I go to sleep, I would still do the same... Even if you are sleeping, I would pray that you are sleeping soundly and peacefully...

Good night, my friend... Sleep well...

hope that time can stop...

I just hope that time can stop at this moment for a little longer... So that I can rest... I need to sleep... Sometimes when I wake up, I feel like crying... I don't want my day to start... It's too pack... Too pack that I can't breathe... Work, tuition and band... It has been revolving around these things...

I understand that concert is coming and there are more practices and with percussion concert.. the more we should practice... my students exams are coming, i have to make time for them too... But there's only 24 hours a day... work from 8.30 - 6... after that it would be band and tuition... I'm enjoying it... I don't mind...

But it tired me out... I'm become so weary at the end of the day... That I don't even have the energy to think probably about what i'm doing... For example, read a mag... sometimes I don't even what it is talking about... the words just pass me by... the feeling is terrible... very! I feel so useless...

I rarely sleep at 10+... and now 10+ seems like 12+ already... coz my energy is all used up...

I seriously hope time can stop, coz my schedule from tml onwards doesn't allows me to rest well for a single day... I would be busy till next sunday... No breaks in between... I don't know how to survive... But I hope I can...

And I would miss time with my family... It would mean that I won't get to see them often though we leave under the same roof...

OK I'm off to sleep...

hope for some respect and support for my decision...

Since the day I chose to guard my heart, I know my decision is made... And there's no way and nothing that anybody say would change my mind... I've choose this path, I'll face the consequences myself... I know it's silly to do this but I've chose this path myself and all hope for is that my friends would respect my decision and support me...

And not telling me that "Jocelyn, don't be silly! it's not worth it!", "Come on! Don't be stupid! You are still young! why get yourself tied down with such promise!" or "you are still young, is still to early to say!", "you are still young, shouldn't take things so serious!"

you know that's not gonna change anything coz I'm determine to guard my heart...

Yes I shouldn't have take things so serious in the first place... But when it comes to matters of heart... tell me which one of you can actually control it well? you could tell yourself not to get too deep... But when you are actually deep in, you won't even realise it... and when you realise it, it's too late... Every thing just seems so beautiful at that moment and you are hoping for the most beautiful dream to come true... How many of us when reading this and think back that you could actually let go just like that? probably you could but let me tell you I can't...

You guys know what I've been going through and seen me gone through it... I'm not ready to go through another one and I don't want to... It brought about too much pain and tears...

It wasn't a sudden decision and an act of impulse... It took me a long time to decide and pluck up that courage to make that decision... It's difficult to guard one's heart and therefore I need support...

I know I definitely have the support from someone... And He's the big guy up above! The decision wasn't just because of this incident... well, not exactly... It was through this incident that I realise what I want to do... So by guarding my heart I can actually fully concentrate on what I want to do first... It seriously isn't that bad... I want to spend sometime getting closer to God too... And now is the time...

See with one decision I can achieve so many other things... so it's not that bad... It's not silly or stupid... And this is not gonna last for my whole life... It's just for 1, 2 or 3 years... And it would past very quickly... It's only temporary... It's not as if I'm gonna stay single forever... I won't want to... I want to get married, I wanna have kids... But now is just not the time for me to get into relationship or get involve in this area...

I just need to close that door in my heart for a little while and keep guys out of that space... I don't wanna hurt someone and the more I don't wanna be hurt again...

I won't regret making this decision and that's why you guys shouldn't feel that it's something dumb to do... or feel that it's such a pity... coz it's not gonna be a lifetime...

I just wanna learn how to see guys as brothers rather than potential partners... In that way, life would be much easier for me... And it would a wel learnt lesson isn't it?

I'll still listening to the comments you guys give me about my decision but it's not gonna change my decision... So just say your comments and give me your support...

I don't know what's ahead of me, therefore I'm not sure if I'm able to take what's coming to me... But with a little support, I think I'm able to overcome it...

Are you guys willing to help me with this? Respect my decision and give me the little support?

Quality weekend

It was a quality weekend... Well spent with my parents,sisters and friends... Though it was a packed schedule but I still enjoyed... Coz it would be a long time again for the next gathering or time spent together....

Sometimes I really hate my pack schedule... There's no way that I can breathe... and rest well... But sometimes I am thankful for it too... It somehow helps me to fall asleep faster at night.... Makes my mind tired so that I'm not able to think of other things... And when I wake up the next day, another day just past like that...

I guess that's what people meant when they say "blessing in disguise"...

But there are certain things that I'm not sure if it's a blessing in disguise...

Anyways updatezz for the weekend...

Sat
It was well spent with both of my sisters... Went for tuition in the morning then prayer meeting in the afternoon... after that I brought my sisters to China Square for Korean food... Well brought them there coz the korean food there was not bad... wanted to go Far East Square for the peanut ice kachang but too bad it was closed... So I decided to bring them to chinatown for almond paste... on our way walking there, there was some shops at chinatown so stop by to take a look... And i bought 2 pair or earrings... :)

Meiying had the egg pudding which taste nice on the first mouth but it should stop there... Coz too much of it, really makes one feels sick! The peanut paste was alright but too much of it makes it sick too... The almond paste was the best!! It's nice... If you like almond this is the one you should go for... It's located near lucky chinatown... Give it a try!

oh yeah... the peanut ice kachang too! It's fantastic man!! should try too! but it's best that you eat it there, don't pack home...

Didn't know that my work place had so many nice food until I started working... :)

Sun
It was a long day for me too... Went to church in the morning and tuiton in the afternoon... BUT!! At night was spent with my secondary school friends... Or rather as they call themselves... "The Popiah Gang"

It was a gathering cum celebration for Kenneth's bday... We went to Marina South to have steamboat... But I think I laugh more than I eat... But only the vegetables, fishball and stuff were nice... The marinated meat taste kind of awful...

Headed to K-ster after that... Had lots of fun singing and shouting... But... some songs just brings back the memories and feelings that I couldn't hold back my tears... Lucky for me the lights were dim and Jerm was there to lend me her shoulder... Thanx girl! If not I would had really really break down...

Marilyn was there too... It's been a long time since I last saw her... Probably like 2 years... But there isn't a strangeness there... We still could click and crap with each other... She even stayed over at my house! haha... Talk alot... well the usual girls' talk... But both of us were so tired... then we fell asleep after an hour...

Mon
Today was basically a percussion day! Met up with the percussionist who are playing for the coming MD for lunch at tiong bahru Ljs... Headed back to school for sectionals with Mr Tan... Hmm... I could say it's not bad... But definitely more room for improvement! Peeps! Let's work hard k!! Then after that we can put our concentration for the coming percussion concert in June!! Let's have a better one this time round!! I have faith in all of us!! Cheers!!

After sectionals we had dinner together!!! There were Alan,Muru,Charlton,Ven,Jerm,Zai,Joanne, Raf and me... We had our dinner at bugis and then dessert at another stall... But I reckon you guys not go there... It's expensive and not really that nice...

It's been a long time since we could really go out together... Am looking forward to the next one... But wonder when would it be...

Yup that's my weekend... Tired but worthwhile... This week would be a week for tuition... but next week would be band! coz the concert is next week... I have band on Mon,tues,thurs and friday... and wed? it's sectionals... It clashes with my students' exams...

Just hope everything goes well...