Finally weekends are here and weekdays are gone... A rather long weekend coz it's a public holiday on monday! Which means no work!!

Weekdays was busy,tired and restless... I didn't manage to get enough sleep and rest...

Mon-Wed
Work was from 8.30-6pm... And I had to rush back to school for band... And it ended very late coz they were having band camp... Didn't stay becoz of itp... I would reach home about 11.30pm... And by the time I finish bathing and wait for my hair to dry it's already 12+ or 1... It's not just the time... It's because all my energy has been used up moving the instruments up and down the band room... Not even a single one is left to let think of other things outside work and band... I just lie on my bed with my mind blank... And the next day when I wake up to go to work... I can't really concentrate... almost fell asleep a couple of times...

Thurs
After work rush down for tuiton... also reach home about 11+... But one thing that kept me going was weekend was near...

Due to my busy schedule, I didn't manage to see my parents for 4 days... It just hurts me not seeing them... We are living under the same roof and my house is not big... yet I didn't manage to see them or talk to them... Even my sisters... Didn't manage to spend time with them at all... When I'm back all of them are asleep... And when I wake up... I only manage to see meiying but couldn't talk much coz I've to bath...

But Thank God Friday I finally saw them... I purposely left it free so that I could go home early to see my parents and rest well too... Coz I think I deserve that rest after the busy schedule... After work. bought dinner for my parents and came home to eat with them... Thought it's not some expensive food but it was a dinner well spent... manage to talk to them and see them...

Well friday seems to be a happy day... Everybody in my department was so slack, which is a rare scene... serious! These people work non-stop all day... But friday was so different... Suddenly everybody seems so close... I was quite close to them too... And there seems to be a bond there too... And got to know them a little more... just some of them...

Jessie is the big boss there... have not talk to her before... But her looks are enough to scare me away... She quite built, short hair and tough looking... So tough that there were a few times when I enter the toilet I though I went into the wrong one... :x She looks really firece and i meant it...

Linda is some head there... Don't exactly know her position but she seems to have some authority... She does resembles rebecca... But she's slimmer and of coz older... She's rather pretty but it scares me when she frowns... She has nice hair but it would be better if she dyes it...

Ivy, the one that taught me payment balancing... Well, I can't exactly say out how is she... sometimes she seems irritated and pissed off... And sometimes she behaves and walks like a child... I don't meant it in a childish way... Can't use the right words to describe her... Probably she's bust that's why... And that's her... She's not hush or impatient... She would correct me and teach me patient... sometimes when I forget to do sometimes she would tell me nicely...

Jasmine a pretty lady... hmm... She seems to dislike me intially or probably Like i say all of them are busy... And there are certain things that we have no choice to apporach them to help us... like logging into the company lan with their password... But when got to know her well, she's fun, at times jokes with me and stuff...

Yong, the silent joker... Why do I say so? Just by looking at him, you would wanna laugh... He has this face that once you see him, you would laugh or smile... But one very scary thing is that when I'm working I feel that he's watching me... Making sure I work and stuff... Which I think it's not true... It's just the feeling that he gave... He's quite soft-spoken too... have not hear him raise his voice or talk loudly before... He's a Mr nice guy... willing to guide us... But Shunli and I always tot that he has something with winnifer... :x

Winnifer is the leader of the department I guess... She looks serious and stern... But in fact she's not... That's if she don't frown... I like it when she smiles... But Winnifer has kids... So well... we don't know what's happening... haha... These are the things that keep us awake during work... Gossip!! Coz they are always together! Yong always lunch in the office during the first week of Itp when winnifer was on leave... But she's back they have been having lunch together... :x

ok let's contiune with my impression of the people there...

Asiah... A woman who's laughter can just comes easily... one small little matter she can laugh to the extreme... One of the few whom I really talk to in the office coz she's sitting near me...

Lastly is Maggie... I remember the first day I came in or rather the first week... I didn't really like her... Coz she looks firece and she keeps looking at people with her specs below her eyes...

BUT!! BUT!! She turns out to be nicest lady there! A lady in her 50s I guess, standing at a height of 150+... petite, cute and pretty... A lady with a nice heart too... I've been there two weeks... And heard her getting scolding twice... BUT!! Never once I saw or hear her complain... And she still looks as cheerful!! And hey she still puts on make-up! And it's not extreme... and she has a little sense of fashion... For her age, I really think she dresses well!

She was the one that makes me feel so happy there... It all started out when I help her to do batching... She's patient... All of them are really fast there... And I remember when she aksed me to help her fax.. the freaking paper got jam so many times... And I know I took a long time... But she didn't rush me... When hongkong emailed her to say that they didn't receive the mail...

She came over and just me nicely... And she was still smiling.. I remember what she say...

"Just now we did fax over the documents right? Hong Kong email me now say they never receive"

that was the first incident... there was once I had to fax the swift document over... The amount of the first page was supported by the documents behind... I didn't know and tot that she just wanted me to photocopy the supporting documents... so i fax the first page and one page of the supporting document... came back told her... She didn't scold me at all... She was patient in telling me and just tell me it's ok... Just re-fax to them... I feel so comfortable helping her to do things coz I know that when I make a mistake, she will always be so patient...

She's the person that I'm gonna miss the most when I reach there... Just by thinking about it, I alrady feel like crying...

Well these are some of the people in my office... Thank God that I'm blessed with good collegueas...

Ok that's about it... I need a rest...

The night is here accompanied with the memories... It's always this time of the night that reminds me of the time that we spent together...

And it's the time when I thought the strong me in front of my friends is actually the weakest...

No matter how tired I am... There isn't a day that I spent without thinking of you... Your voice fills my head, your smell is still around and the happy moments that we spent together fills my mind...

Suddenly, I wanna close up to myself again... I don't want anyone to enter my life to take away the memories that we share... To take up the space... I wanna keep it, I don't want new memories with anyone... I just want to keep it going... since the day we start...

I want it so badly that sometimes I imagine the memories myself... Just that this time it's a different case... it has the word "if" in front of every sentence...

But I know it's not possible anymore... all those "if" will never happen... Coz I lost the last and only chance left...

I'M SO IN LOVE!!!

"read your blog... *holds you close and says "it's going to be ok"* call me. meet me. I wan to be here for you when you need someone. just whether you allow me or not"

This was the msg I saw when I woke up this morning... I was so touched and near to tears when I saw it...

And I wanna tell you that I definitely allow you to come into my life... And share the ups and downs with me... I not only allow you to be here for me... I will also be there for u!

I realise that I'm slowly falling in love with you~! Aww... I'm so in love! Thank you for your love! I would go to far extent to try and cherish it... The day that my love die for you... would be the day when we depart from this temporary home... But still I'll carry my love for you with me! :) And I know you will... Let us work hard to keep this love going strong!!

Love you lots!

I'm working at 8.30 am tml and yet I'm still awake! I want to sleep but my hair is wet!! And I'm freaking tired!! It's a bloody long day!!!

My legs are tired and I'm dead bush!!! Work was from 8.30 - 6pm... And after that went back to school for band... Band prac was from 8-11... and by the time I reach home it was already 11.30...

Man! The whole bloody week is so packed! I'll be going back for band straight after work tml and wednesday... And thursday after work I have 2 tuitions... and friday after work... Still band!!!! What a week!!! It's kind of stressful and tired when you know that the week ahead is so pack!!

Well no choice, concert is coming! 3 weeks time... And don't ask me about my playing! It's bad!!!

Had a talk with Jerm just now... She asked me why do I want to guard my heart? Coz she feels that I can't breathe... I'm making things difficult for myself... i know that! I'm trying very hard! and it's so hard! but I'm still trying!

So guard your heart well Jocelyn!!

I'm feeling how I feel last week again... I don't know why? Tears just fills my eyes... why am I feeling so tied up inside? I really need someone badly... But I don't know who to go to... I need a hug... I really need someone...

But all I have is my blanket and soft toys... hiding at one corner...

what I'm trying to say is so contradicting....

Many people come in and out of our life but how many actually stay for long or probably a lifetime... Or rather I should say how many of us would make an effort to make these people stay.... Each time we know someone of the opposite sex, each of us would be in the stage of infatuation... And what comes next would be the path of friendship or lovers... It's the choice that we make...

Many times we thought that we have found the right one... "OH! He's the guy that I'll be walking down the church aisle for at the end of my singlehood life... The one that you will spend your whole life with and share all the happiness and sadness with... BUT! Think about it... In all the relationship that we are in, we feel that for almost each of it right? And too often things turns out otherwise... And we often end up being hurt or hurting someone...

Each time we got into a relationship, we have already made a decision to hand the dagger to your other partner... And now the decision lies with him/her whether she/he will use it to protect you or stab you in the heart... But because when you hand the dagger to him/her, you have also put your trust in him/her... Believing that it would be used to protect you...

If you think that you have been stab, think twice probably you have actually use it to stab someone before... Probably I had, that's why I'm going through this now...

Everything was so perfect... Or rather seems so perfect... I thought I met the right one and put in all I could... I was about to take the dagger out to hand it over to the person... But before I could, he took a step faster by grabbing the dagger and stab me in my heart... *oUcH*

I've pulled the dagger out but it still hurts... What's left is a wound to recover on it's own...

I always have cinderella story before things offically happen... And each time the wound just get deepper... Probably everybody has the right to love except me... I know it's because I have not meet the right one... But why is it so cruel?

I'm a girl who cries easily and gets happy over small issues... And definitely someone who falls in love easily... and a girl who have cinederella story again and again... Even cinderalla has a happy ending...

Would I be the same girl again? The one that falls in love easily? I've lose the trust and once again walk back into my own world... But this time with a new mission and lesson... A place where I learn how to guard my heart... And not wanting anyone to step into my world yet... coz I've lose faith in relationship... I dare not hand the dagger to anyone... Coz I've lost the trust and become more protective over myself...

I'm guarding my heart... coz it hurts to hurt someone and it hurts to be hurt... I'm still healing a wounded soul and I really appreciate that anyone would try to stay away from me...

But one thing for sure... I'm still the same old girl that thinks alot of every issue in life...

At this stage of my life, I feel that relationship is a want not a need... Sometimes I do feel that it might be a blessing in disguise... Therefore I'll stick to going back to my own world and guard my heart well...

Like I say what I'm trying to say is so contradicting...

I'm losing my faith in relationship, guarding my heart but at the same time feeling that relationship is a want not a need...

Though I'm enjoying every single moment of singlehood but... I'm still at lost... The memories that is inside can never be erased... At times I still wanna curl up like a baby in someone's arm... But I'm still afraid...

The fear in my heart cannot be described... Unless you experience it...

But sub-consciously I know the answer right inside me... I'm still not sure if I wanna make that decision or not... Coz I'm not daring enough to make that decision...

First week at DBS Vickers Securities....

yup attached to DBS Vickers Securities for a week already... And it also means that one week of ITP is over... BUT! there's 7 more weeks.. But nvm!! I'm looking forward in learning more things...

Well, it's not that bad... Just that sometimes doing the same thing over and over again, makes me feel sleepy... And it's terrible when you know that once you reach there in the morning... Viewing clients' account and stuff... But well I did payment balancing on my own for 2 days.. Couldn't balance ytd and I was so sad coz it was so easy yet I couldn't do it...

BUT!! today I could balance it... Just that I missed out the checking of the figures with the receipt at the back if it's the same... But overall still ok... Gotta get familiarise with this before I learn how to do the DBS vickers online payment balancing...

Overall in conclusion, first week of itp is excited, tired, sleepy and abit boring ar... Well guess that's working life... If you get to learn something new then that's a different issue...

After work, headed to meet Andy at Suntec... get a cake for Nei coz we were celebrating her birthday... Headed to this chinese restaurant somewhere near far east square... which is a less than 10 mins walk from my office!!!! DAMN! waste my money... But nvm! The food there is not bad... the sambal kangkong is nice... we had fish bee hoon too, tofu, fried beef whatever you call it... But we simply enjoyed... my pastor, nei, meiying, meichan, vivian, andy and me... hmm... a good dinner after a day's work is always the best!

But I think having a HOT BATH IS STILL THE BEST MAN!! :P

After dinner, both my sisters headed home and the rest of us wanted to go to the coffee bean at Chinatown point, well not exactly them but me... coz i didn't wanna go home... but it was closed when we reached there... So headed to Mac... Spend our time chatting there and left at about 11... THANX FOR SPENDING THE TIME WITH ME!

hmm... I'm freaking tired... I need a good rest...

it's the third day of work!!! The same word.... "TIRED"

I'm really sleepy... my legs are aching due to the fact that I've been wearing heels the whole day... BAD FOR LEGS MAN!!

It's only the 3rd day of itp, it's already feeling like a rather long period of time... And today is the only day after 3 days of work, I finally got to see my parents and talk to them... I feel so sad... "wah, it's been a long time since I see you!"

I don't like them telling me this... So today I said it and told my mum how much I miss her!

the first thing that I saw when I open my parent's room door... was my dad's smile!! AW!!!! It took my tiredness away from me... All the pain just went away immediately... ;)

But I guess I won't enjoy such days for long... :(

well... Did the same few things again... abit of data entry, view clients' a/c, put through trade and did abit on payment balancing... BUT! tml I'll be handling the payment balancing alone! coz Ivy is on leave tml... I'm really scare! I'm totally new and I have not ever try doing it before... Hopefully I can do it!

Gotta sleep early or else I'll be tired again tml... and it's thursday tml! which means!!! Friday is coming soon!!!

why is it that when I'm learning how to see things from the other side... I'm fighting a spirtual warfare... I know it's hard to guard my heart against all things... BUT...

Why is it so hard to guard my heart? why?!

Everytime I try to put it off... The feeling just keep coming back... I was looking forward to ITP... But suddenly on Sunday night I got so emotional... My heart was in a whirl and I was feeling lost...

I mean don't I know my directions in life already? Ain't I determine to do somethings already? Why the sudden feeling of confusion?

Am reading "I kissed dating goodbye"... which gives lots of enlightenment to me... Really... But each time when I come to realise something... There's this pain in my heart... I don't know whether it's a blessing in disguise or not... Sometimes yes, sometimes no... And sometimes I don't even know what is a blessing in disguise...

Sometimes I will question God... why is there love or feelings on earth? why did He create such a thing? But I realise that if without love or feeling... there won't be passion... There won't be obstacles to be met and, thus learning and growing up from it...

I just need more time and more strength... more determination to guard my heart... And I really do wanna guard my heart... So don't try to come attack my heart people! Coz I'm trying to guard it 24 hours! So I beg you guys not to come disturb it k! I'll appreciate it alot! :)

2nd day of itp...

Did I ever told you that I never thought that working was easy?! and it's freaking true!!! I wanna study for life!!!

yup... it's the second day of itp... and I'm already feeling so tired... In fact when I sat at my desk yesterday, the sudden feeling that I wanna study for life is so strong...

Yes I was looking forward to ITP... indeed I am... To learn things that I don't learn in the books... and yes I did...

Probably it's the busy schedule that I have... that's y... My working hours are from 8.30 - 6.... And I have to wear formal wear everyday!! That's the last thing I wanna hear man! I can't wear jeans!!! GESH!

ok let's start with day one of work...
hmm... Reached at 8.15am... I took a bus!! haha... no cab!! I'm proud of myself!! Anyway it's just a 15mins bus ride from my house... ;)

There was a totally of 10 of us from the same course attached to DBS vickers sercurities... At first I tot it was some deserted place... but hell no... haha... and Thank God I'm with Shunli!! We are both in the same department which is the operations department... ok we are at the payment side...

got our desk... and waited for stuff to do... And I did data entry the whole day yesterday... But it's better than nothing to do... It's gonna feel weird... Day one was tiring man! Don't know why... But after work went to meet up with Cia and guys for dinner... seems like all of them had a boring and slack day one... except for Cia... seems like your pay doesn't come easy huh?! hahha... :P

Day 2
I've learn something today... COOL!!! I did data entry when I was free... And when Josephine and Ivy was free they guided me... I did put through trade... Though I was nervous initially coz I was afriad that I might do something wrong... But it was ok after all... then Ivy guide me on payment balancing... Did touch that part yet coz she has already finished it when I was done with put through trade... View client's account too... see if their account are closed or whether the'r names or IC has changed... rather easy job...

Well got've work waiting for me tml... put through trade and payment balancing... GOODY!!! I think I'm rather lucky to have jobs waiting for me... Must really Thank God! If not for the prayers that everybody had prayed for me... I won't be so blessed... :P

After work, headed down to school for band.. IT'S TERRIBLE!! All the work and effort that was put in previously, has gone down the drain partly! AND! MD is just in 3 weeks time! with ITP, tuition and band plus percussion concert... Wonder how I can cope!

OH YEAH! Percussion concert is approved ane so is the 760 bucks!! haha...

seems like things are going well...

Just a simple sentence which I pick up along when I was looking through my friendster...

"A friend drops their plans when you're in trouble, shares joy in your accomplishments, feels sad when you're in pain. A friend encourages your dreams and offers advice--but when you don't follow it,they still respect and love you."

Why Am I not feeling the way I'm supposed to be?

Finally exams are over... Took the last paper... It was ok... But forgot somethings here and there... Was only able to remember certain words of the sentence... Just hope I can pass... Didn't really had the mood to do the paper... YES! And that's the worse feeling you can ever have when you are sitting for a paper... Probably it was due to the insufficent sleep yesterday night... I toss and turn on my bed... By 3+ I was still awake... But somehow manage to get some sleep before the paper... As usual my class has the least amount of people left by the end of the paper...

After the paper I went to meet up with Jerm... Wanted to get a bag for ITP but couldn't find one so I intend to find one or I might end up finding lots within my BOX of bags... It was only a few hours spent with her, coz she's meeting Weilun to go to Johor... Though it was a short time spent with her, but it was worthwhile... It's been a long time since the both of us went out together due to our busy schedule.... It was an afternoon filled with love and laughters between best friends... Despite the heavy rain, and we had to end up buying umbrella to go to cineleisure, it was a wonderful time walking, we could still just talk about anything under the rain... haha... Am still looking forward to more of these days to come... We have plans to go backpack... and also on a holiday... but that is when we have the time... probably after my students PSLE... hope we are able to do it this time...

Paper is over... Or I should say that exams are over... It's a burden off the shoulder, a day that calls for a celebration and out having fun times with friends... I should be happy and laughing crazily... But you know what... I'm feeling none of this... I do feel that a burden is off the shoulder, a day that calls for celebration... But I just wanna be alone... which I am now... Alone at home... The quietness that is so peaceful... accompanied by the wonderful weather outside... All i want to do is slack... probably read a book, lying on the bed starring at the ceiling with plenty of thoughts in my mind and with good music... Or rather catch some sleep, coz I'm rather tired... My eyes are feeling heavy... I could just sleep sitting up straight...

And darn! why does the phone have to ring and break the peacefulness in my heart and mind! oops... It was my dad... calling back to ask me what I want for dinner... :) Ok forgiven for breaking the peacefulness, coz it was a disturbance of fatherly love... :P

*yAwNz*

gonna take a rest, before I go for tuition later...

The feeling of anxiety is gone... There's only worries, sadness and anger in me... There are some issues that I really need to consider... It's gonna be a heavy burden to me... It's time that serious decisions need to be make...

a sudden feeling of anxiety...

I don't understand why... There's a sudden feeling of anxiety in me... Why? there should not be... Probably I'm just thinking too much... Get back to study...

I'm suppose to be studying coz FMKT paper is tml... Well I've finished studying... Still left with tutorials... But I'm so lazy... I don't feel like doing anything besides slacking...

But well I don't have a choice...

Will go through and recap later... With abit of confidence and faith... I'm ready to take the paper...

Am still listening to "till the end"... It's been with me for many afternoons and nights... And I never get sick of hearing it...

It brings me different feelings each time my cursor hit the "play" button on the winamp...

Sometimes it's so relax, that I'm living in my own world... with all the happy memories that are spent... Leaving a smile on my face and a small pinch of happiness...

But sometimes it makes me heartbroken... I can feel that my jaws are numb, but tears ain't rolling down...

And sometimes I feel as if something pierce through my heart... Leaving me to bleed slowly and in pain...

Sometimes it leaves my mind in a whirl... Leaving my mind filled with all the whys which I really want to find out... Guessing and more guessing... Thinking and more thinking... Over and over again... But no matter how hard I guess and think, I still can't find the answer... And no one is willing to give me the answer... Coz no one can... What exactly went wrong?

I keep asking myself why that sometimes I'm beginning to feel that it's my fault... It's me that things turn out like that... My egoistic that destroyed everything... My pride that I refused to put aside... That cause me to lose something...

But I mean I have the right to know things don't I?! I just lose something without knowing the reason... And I'm left alone to guess the reason... I hate it... I tried not to think about it but it just keeps coming back... It's worse when night falls... Tears would start rolling down my cheek... Leaving my blanket and bed sheet wet...

At times I would cry to sleep... I've become so tired and numb that sometimes tears will just roll down without me knowing... It has become part of me...

I hide under the blanket to cry, you don't know and won't... My heart is aching... you still don't know... I'm calling out your name each time but again you still don't know... No matter how many times I shout out aloud or how much I do, you still won't hear me... And you are never gonna hear me anymore...

I'm never gonna see the same nick flashing on my computer screen again... Coz you might not even take a look at what I write... neither is my nick gonna appear flashing in your screen too... Coz I've lost all the courage, faith and cofidence that I've slowly built up... I have to struggle so hard even before I try... And even when I have the courage to do so already, the moment I try to click... I'm back to square one again...

I thought I was strong or could be... But I'm not...in my heart, I can no longer hold inside... It seems like I, myself don't even know the real Jocelyn... then how can my friends be?

In front of them, I look happy and sounded steady... Laughing away and back to my chirpy side... But how many knows my real thoughts? Probably all of them know, but they just don't wanna bring me back and see me sad again...

Jermaine don't even know till I told her... ya she knows that I definitely can't forget coz memories can't be erased... She thought that I was already recovering... But when I told her about the recent me... I guess she knew that I'm not recovering... the feeling inside is way beyond description...

Fendi didn't know to till I told him... And he said that I could be an actress... Coz I sounded so steady...

The laughter,smile and craps are just like my concealor... when the zits are covered, so are my pain and sadness... And people can only see the me that is hidden well enough... Hoping and praying hard that it would stay on...

I can only keep myself occupied with my busy schedule now... but nevertheless I know that the busy schedule is useless... Coz once again when I lie on my bed and turn in... All these would come back... And I would pray to God... Asking and crying out to Him to take it away, so I can rest...

I know it's gonna take time... I don't know how long and I probably don't want to... Probably I should let it be... It may take a long time to heal, probably a period of time that is gonna be very unexpected... But for now I'll try to work tomards my direction... Though my heart feels sore and in future when I think back tears will fill me but I'll pray that He's watching over you... It may sound silly but at least that's the little bit I can do silently for a friend...

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Your Passion is Red! You've got that spark - a good dose of intensity, power, and determination.You do whatever you want in life ... to hell with what anyone thinks!With so many interests and loves, you're always running around doing something new.You have fire in your eyes, and it shows. Bet you're even wearing something red! What Color is Your Passion? Take This Quiz :-) Find the Love of Your Life (and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.

2 more days to the last paper... But I'm still so slack... Although I'm already at foreign exchange market 2... and 2 more chaps to go... But I doubt I can remember much... So I think I need to go through one more time to recap...

And the weird thing is that I can only concentrate in the wee hours and on my bed... I won't fall asleep... In fact, I can study faster and be more awake... when I'm on my bed...

I'm freaking sleepy... Feel like taking a nap but just can't get to sleep...

I slept at 5+ in the morning... Coz I was studying... Anyways I can't get to sleep, so might as well use the time...

Woke up at 11+ to meet cia to get the answers for foreign exchange market... Bought LJS for lunch then headed home... And just let that another day is going to end soon... I wasted almost one day just like that... But well will study later...

OK DARN! There's suppose to be music playing from my blog... But!! There isn't!!! Why?! Shall try figure it out again tml...

Jerm just called... Ok I don't know whether to say that I'm stupid or working too hard... She called to ask me if I could take another student... Coz auntie serene is looking for a tutor desperately for one month.. But Jerm was hoping that I can teach her English and Science till her PSLE is over... Was in a dilemna...

My ITP will be starting next week... And tues and fri there's band prac... another day for sectionals... And I have to give tuition every wed and thurs and sat... hmm...

Well despite my busy schedule, I agreed... Just hope I'm able to take it... yet to know the pay...

The thought of it stresses me out... I'm so afraid that I can't take it... NVM! Take it easy! When it comes, I'll try to handle it well...

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Finally manage to wake up with some sleep... But I turn in rather late... it was already 4+ in the morning when I finally felt tired and sleepy... And that was after a long talk on the phone with Jerm... A good long chat... Coz we rarely talk on the phone...

I'm beginning to be worried coz I'm not able to get to sleep early... If ITP starts, I'll be going to work feeling so restless the next day... I'm trying to sleep early but it's seems impossible... will try other ways then...

It's tuesday... 3 more days then exams is gonna end! Simply can't wait for ITP... Well as for me... Still trying hard to study.. manage to finish the few chapters... So I'm gonna make full use today... Hopefully *cRoSsInG fInGeRs*

I wanna get to sleep!!!

YES! I wanna sleep! I'm so tired!! I'm so sleepy... I just freaking hell wanna get to sleep early for once! But I can't get to sleep!!

No matter how long I close my eyes, I'm still very wary of my surroundings... I know that my lights are still on... I know that the freaking lizard, which has been in my room for days, is somewhere behind the computer table...

When everything is off except for the lights... The room is in total silence... I could hear myself breathing hardly... my sister snoring... and the voice within me trying hard to ask me to sleep and stop thinking... But it lost the battle to a "silent killer"... the things in my mind...

The quietness is killing me... it's making me not able to get my beauty sleep... My mind is still working hard... It's bringing me back... Bringing me back to a place where it might not even allow me to step foot on...

At this time, I'm supposed to be studying FMKT... But I can't get started, once I start reading... I know there's no space in my mind for all the bond market and stuff...

It's cold in the room and I wanna hide under my blanket... And fell asleep... With no dreams...

But now I even have problem falling asleep... don't talk about dreams... If that's the case, I rather dream!

I hate the nights when I have to try hard to make myself sleep... Is it only if it's a rainy day here then I will be able to get to sleep? Must it really rain? If that's the case then... PLEASE RAIN!

I'm sitting here right in front of the computer with the song "Cry me a river" playing on my winamp... with eyes that are closing soon... But I know that I won't be able to get to sleep once I lay on the bed...

with a freaking slow song, sounding so lazy... I'm having a picture in my head... just like those lazy afternoons or evenings, sitting by the river with a cup of tea or wine... A piece of cheese cake... a interesting book that I'm not able to put down once I start... Or probably just enjoying the scenery or the beautiful nature that God gave... reflecting the things that has happen in my life...

Ok I'm carried away... But it's a nice picture in my head though... It feels so real that I so want to do that now...

Till the end

All these precious moments,
with you by my side.
Must be a gift from heaven.
That's holding me all night.
I don't know how I found you,
I'm thankful that I have.
That I have a love so true
To hold, to keep, to share.

In my heart,
I can no longer hold inside.
All of the love I used to hide,
I'll always be with you until the very end.
In this world,
there is no place I rather be.
You are my life, my soul, my girl.
It's through it all,
I know you'll come to see that
You're the one till the end.

All my friends surround me,
say you'll be gone too soon.
Baby I'm gonna make them see
We've found our way back home.

Another down!!!

HAHAHA.... WAHAHHAAHA..... FF IS OVER!! OFFICIALLY OVER!!! Hope so!! Just hope that I don't have to re-take... *tOuChEdwOoD*

YEAH!! one more down... 8 more days to the next paper!! haha... What should I do today? hmm...

Ok let's talk about the paper today first... Well manageable paper... For once that a module that is quite similar to accounts is manageable to me! I always come out of the exam hall, feeling down after an account paper... But this time round is different!

As I was near Dover station, I was shivering with fear... I was nervous and scared! Over stress... It's always the problem when I sit for exams... I woke up this morning with abit of faith and confidence... And I must say prayer do work! haha.... During the 10 mins reading time... went through the paper... Hiak hiak... From qns 1 to 4... I know how to do... haha... But I realise a few blunders here and there... haha... Except for theory questions... As usual! Crap! Of coz something that is connected to FF! Throughout the paper, everything wsa going on smoothly... I did it really slowly and step by step... yup and this sentence came into my mind... "Do it slowly,step by step!"

A sentence from Andy... haha...

By 10.30 I was done with the calculation.... So struggled for the theory qns... Overall still ok! Hope I can pass well...

Anyways, today is gonna be a BREAK FOR ME!!! No studying! Just relaxing and slacking! I'm drained and tired already! My eyes are clonsing soon! *yAwnZ*

I can't wait for ITP!! Seriously can't wait!! 11 more days!!! Just 11 more days!! it's gonna be fast!! But I hope it's faster!!!!

Oh ya was watching Kenneth's production yesterday.... I think it's rather good... The way that they carry the message across... Really meaningful... and the message was....

"The things we want most are usually right beside us, but sometimes it's so close that we don't notice them..."

It's true huh! Peeps! Try to take a closer look... A closer look at people around you... Probably the one that you are waiting for or always wanted is just right there beside you... That person might have done alot to catch your attention but you fail to notice... It might not just be refering to BGR but I think it applies to friendship too... So peeps! Don't make that person suffer and make things difficult for yourself... Just a closer look will do! One easy step!

Good luck peeps!

Determination!

Yup still up mugging for FF paper... Trying hard to stay awake... Can't relax coz now I'm running after time... Not the other way round... Though I feel regretful but now it's not the time to regret! It's time to pull up my socks!!

It really drags studying for FF... So many calculation... and my throat hurts... Just taking a small break...

Anyway I'm determined to study! With good songs and music... It's what I need for the night to study FF... But not gonna study till too late... Or else I will sleep the whole day tml... Then there goes my time to study... I have less than a day to finished up FF!!!

Work hard!! To you peeps too!! WORK HARD!! It's gonna be over soon! Don't think of the tough journey!!

ONE DOWN!! Two more to go...

YEAH! TA is over already... One down... There's two more to go... And that's FF and FMKT...

I stil have lots of time for FMKT, it's next friday... I have 1 week to prepare after FF paper on coming thursday...

Don't ask me how was my TA paper... Coz I really don't know how I feel... All I know is that I'm happy that the paper is over... Just hope overall it's ok... Able to do the paper... But there are some parts that I don't know how to do... Anyway the paper is over already...

The next paper is FF and I only have tonight and tomorrow to prepare... Kind of rush... And there's lots to do for FF... I'm in deep shit now! But I still need a break first... My mind is tired after the 2 hour paper...

My face has been bloated for 2 days... Very swollen... And feeling abit giddy and naseuous at times... Guess it's low blood pressure... Face bloated I guess it's because of water retention... It feels really shitty.... Eyes swollen... I look horrible man!

After the paper, Of coz head home to rest... But I linger around Tiong Bahru first... went to Popular... And I bought 2 books... One is tittled "how to read and use body language" and "Daily word for Healing"...

the first book is interesting huh! Learning how to read people's body language! haha...

Well it's 6.24pm now... Gonna take a rest then study for FF!!

Work hard!! It's just 2 more paper and I can relax!! Oh yeah! I'm so looking forward to ITP!!! Why can't we just start ITP without exams!! It just drags!! It makes the week longer!! haiz...

Preparing for my TA paper tml... But I'm not exactly doing TA... i'm studying FF... Reason is because I'm almost done with TA... It's my second time going through it... Just left with the 2 past year paper...

I'm worried for my TA paper... Yup it's the fear of failing again... Coz I failed the test before... Though I jump 2 grades up for my second test, the fear is still there...

But what's in my mind is the memories that I had... Exams period will bring me back to the time that we spent together... That was the craziest time in my life... That period of time my life was seriously filled with laughter and experience that I've never had before... Thinking back I really think it's so funny and ridiculous... It's totally crazy man!

Was looking back my entry on friends... I mention that why did God let these people enter your life and screw them up... But I never thought that they screw my life up... For example the money issue well it's over now... what's inside me is the memories that we spent together, not about that incident... In fact they brought laughter into my life... Which will never leave me... ok just some thoughts...

off to study... WORK HARD PEEPS!!!

For a moment my mind is blank... I don't know what to block... i mean blog... My neck is freaking pain and I can hardly turn my head to the right... Shit I guess I didn't sleep in the right position yesterday night...

As usual went to church in the morning... It's a sunday so Church is definitely something NOT to be missed! After that headed to United Square to meet up with Prisca, Cia and Zhen Yi to study...

I'm almost done with TA... So kind of stressed up with FF coz I barely know anything... really need to start or else stress will be taking over me... Shall touch TA again tml...

It's gonna be a long night... With all the studying and thoughts in my mind...

Was msging fendi just now... he asked me if I'm sure that I'm happy... Well I didn't hestiate to reply him back... With someone still in my heart and mind it's impossible that I'll be happy but at least I'm sure that I'm happier than perviously... Well just because life is not going our way that's why it's sucky?! No I still think that life is still wonderful... If everything is going smoothly, how boring can that be? But again if everything goes wrong in your life, it's demoralising...

I might hide one or two things in my heart... And cry at night in bed once in awhile... But that's not gonna stop me from making my life more interesting...

Sometimes we meet up with rocky journey in our life but that's part and parcel of life... Just learn from it and improve... There's a reason why we meet up with some problems and people in life... Come on! Since when the way of testing and trial and sorrow is easy?? Since when it's sweet? We always got to work hard to achieve for something... Just like we have to burn midnight oil to score well for exams... I've to cry many of times everytime when we are preparing for a concert... But at the end of the day, the sense of satisfaction is the main thing isn't it? If you feel that you didn't do well enough, work hard the next time... But it is the way of God's love and in the end will be the best for us... I believe so...

"Few men and women can fulfil their hopes and plans without some interruption and disappointment aking the way."

What's life?

Am I crazy or what? Am I tired of living or what? Is my life too bored? Or is it that I can't think straight anymore?

I paid 35 bucks for an UNFORGETTABLE experience!! Yes I'm crazy... Nope I'm not tired of living... Nope my life is not too boring... I just wanna make it more interesting... And YES! when I agreed to doing it, I wasn't thinking straight at all! I didn't even hesitate when I agreed...

And I never regret it! Never! It's worth it man! 35 bucks for it... might be too expensive but well... I only live once! Life is seriously more than everything I'm doing now... It's more about studies! Mugging late at night for exams... Worrying about being debar for exams... Getting warning letters for the module! Worrying about participation marks... Worrying about my grades... Band... percussion concert... Tuition... And what's more about love?! Life is definitely more than all this... you work hard, cry hard.... So jolly well PLAY HARD!!!!

What's life man?!

One day if my grandchildren asked me what crazy things I've done in my life... I definitely not miss this out...

haha... Dear! I've seen Clarke Quay upside down before... I've seen Singapore river from a high view...

And yes... I took the bungee ride at clarke quay... Though I screamed like hell... But I enjoyed myself to the fullest! It was an experience... I have the vcd of me screaming like hell... Who cares if people laugh at the way I scream?! I'll just join in... At least I had the chance to scream like hell... do u? At least i had the chance to experience a whole new journey in my life...

I've been to Singapore River so many times... Seen it from the ground level... But it's not as beautiful as it is from above... WOAH!!

Peeps seriously! You only live once! Don't miss this out! I don't mean to ask you to take the ride... But don't miss out something good in life... Experience the things that you have never before... you work hard, you deserve to play hard too...

There's seriously more to life... It's not always about guys,shopping,exams,worries,money... It's about how you see life and living life to the fullest...

I had a wonderful time with Ven,Fendi and Kurma today... We went to the prata place to eat... Ven and I as usual order lots of stuff... Kurma was freaking shock the amount 2 girls can eat... After eating, we headed to Labrator Park... Nice place...

Oh yeah... What's with today? We are touching on the issues of life... Like what's happiness to you? What's life? marriage, relationship, even sex...

I mean there's one whole lot of summary above... But I feel that life would only be called life, when you have directions and when you know what you wanna do and achieve... It's more than achievement too... Treat every achievement as a way to improve yourself... And not be satisfy and complacent about what you have now...

Happiness to me now?? Hmm... Happiness to me now would be to see myself happier each day.... To achieve the 2 things that I wanna do now... I'm working towards it... Hopefully it would come true... I want it to be more than tuition, band and studies...

After my itp, I wanna go dive and do something else... So I kind of have 4 dreams to fulfil now... And yeah I need the money too... So i think I'll start saving up a little...

So am I happy now? Hmm... Not really... But I hope I'm getting happier each day... I'm not feeling the stress that I used to have for tests... I'm having stronger faith each day... I've have wonderful group of friends who is always there for me... I'm doing the things that I like now... Well definitely not exams! I'm not happy enough yet coz my life is yet to filled with unforgettable experience... Still ain't satisfy with what I've achieve in life... There's more!!!

Ven is enjoying every single moment of singlehood... And I agree with her... So fendi asked me... you agreed with her?! Ok I was between yes and no... So I'm not too sure either at this moment...

But there's lots of advantage being single... I can go out alone... and I'm enjoying every moment of it... I can make decision without having to affect the other party...

I've too many commitments that I don't even have time for my friends... I've neglect alot of my friends... The last time I really went out with Sufen was probably like 1 year ago... totally bad... there are people who neglect their friends coz of relationship... but me? coz of the many commitments I have... But I think is worthwhile...

So think really hard... What's your happiness? What's life to you?

Just another boring day... Stayed at home the whole day... Was lazy to go out... Supossed to study... Ok I did one chapter of TA... Drag man!!

Well had my quiet time today... Realise lots of things... hmm... Not exactly realise... The word used should be... assurance I guess from God...

When I feel that life is getting worse... But I'm given assurance again and again... Bringing light into my world...

I'm feeling tired and having a bad headache... And what's wrong with me... I feel that I'm deprived of sleep... no matter how much I sleep I just ain't sleeping enough... And exams are coming soon! Better do someting...