Hey peeps! Pardon me for not blogging this week. Just got back from Osaka ytd. Totally zonked out. Will update soon about my wonderful trip and the sadness of coming back to this land.

For now! it's bed time! Night!

Hi... My name is Jocelyn. The useless biatch.

Least that's the way I feel about myself and it makes me disgusted. Pissed with myself. Why can't I be stronger? Stand firm with my decision and not be soft-hearted. Not give in or even let anyone have the chance to see the weak "Jocelyn".

3 years. T'was the time I saw the fruit of my labour. The person that I wanted myself to be after that oh-so-silly incident. The strong,tough and serious Jocelyn that everyone could see. Not a single drop of tears or helplessness on my face. No longer the person who would start crying when I'm so over-stressed. I did it. In fact I enjoyed the fruit of my labour and kept the old me in a memory box. Sealed.

But it was not until when I stared out of the bus window,with penny of thoughts, tthat I realised that the old Jocelyn was pushing, with all her might ,her way out from that memory box. Soon I realised that she was coming back already, and the Jocelyn that I've tried so hard to create is almost gone.

Just one person it's enough to knock me down. I'm on the verge of losing this battle. And I'm not willing to! It's not fair. Since when I was to be an extra player in someone else's planned game. That wasn't supposed to be the way it is.

I hate myself for being so vulnerable in front of you! To prove you right that I'm just like most of the girls out there who needs another half for support. But each time when I decided to be firm and hard-hearted, with just one msg. I defeated myself. Each time when I agree to meet you, I feel useless!! ABSOLUTELY USELESS!

You knew that I want to see you so badly,something I never dare to admit to my friends but I'm saying it here right now, and when I said it's ok that I don't meet you, the question comes.

"I'm asking you one more time, do you want or not."

And you won. Just like that. You got me to say it out which is what you wanted me to.

"You know I've always been like that."

That's what you told me. At that moment, I realised how stupid I was. You're luring me to be someone that I never wanted myself to be ever again.To lure that person in the memory box out.

I mocked at myself as I read that msg, how did I ever let myself fall into such things again.

As I placed my cell down on the table, I made up my mind. It's gonna be a test for me this time round. I'm gonna push that person in the memory box back to where she rightfully should be.

Cause no one except myself, can make me lose the battle against me.