The window to my soul. who's to know? to know how I really feel?
I don't know how to talk about this here. It's my blog but there are still certain things which I somehow don't want people to see.
The weak me that not many have really seen. The really sensitive me that not many has seen.
Or maybe I'm just someone that everybody knows what I'm thinking. It doesn't take much of an effort.
But still I'm just gonna say. I've kept this in me for probably a year.
After that incident, the wound has heal. but the scar remains. the memories remain. And I'm left with fear. The kind of fear that probably friends don't even know about it.
There might be others far worse than me. But that incident was the worse that ever happen to me. I'm not comparing my incident to others. But it's the kind of pain that it has brought to me. probably nobody understands what I'm feeling. I've already had a friend that is like that. He's case is far worse! But he just don't understand what I'm trying to say.
As kelly clarkson songs goes, " because of you, I've learnt how to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt", "Because of you, I find it hard to trust not only me but everyone around me." And "because of you, I am afraid."
yes. I play on the safe side. I guard my heart. So hard cause I don't wanna get hurt.
I told them about the incident. they all thought the same as others. Jerk ass. Asshole. you name it, they have it. And this happens to be guys too.
"there are better guys out there."
suddenly that night I thought.
Love and relationship are like fire to me! Once you burnt your fingers, you never wanna get near it anymore. And this is the case for me. Simply cause I don't trust anyone anymore. you can say I'm a love sick freak or some desperate girl. The feeling is overwhelming. I long for it, but I'm afraid. It's all because of fearful of being in love.
I don't think anyone would fall for me, a girl like me.
Lj once said, "Jocelyn, you need to love yourself more."
And only till date, did I realise that I don't love myself enough.
But how am I gonna trust someone? how do you expect me to?
To fall for something so dangerous. so hurtful. So sweet but bitter at the same time.
How can I learn to trust once again?
I keep thinking that people around me are out to cheat me. No one is truthful to me. No one.
I really am envious of my friends. YOU HEARD THAT BITCHES!! I have never told you guys how I really feel.
I'm someone who falls in love easily. And I hate that. I totally hate that. Don't be nice to me! But not too nasty too!
But where and who can I find this trust back from?
Got this from andrew's blog.
Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. if you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give it to no one, not even an animal.
-C.S. Lewis
So ain't I just doing the right thing?
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