She's just thinking. Thinking and thinking. She can never seem to stop and just get to sleep. She thinks then she laugh. she thinks then she gets angry. and finally she thinks and cry.
And that night, she cried. She though of the aftermath of the incident. The fear that she had.
she put herself into a situation when someone tells her that he likes her.
she was taken aback. But later on, tears came rolling down her cheeks.
It wasn't tears of joy. It was tears of fear. The fear that these 3 words were out to hurt and harm her. And she couldn't stop crying and she just keep questioning.
She stil could not trust.
And the person happens to be me.
When I start writing this entry, I had only knew what to write the part above. I have totally no idea what's gonna be continued from here. probably somehow.
Despite having all these fears, all those things that happen. I'm still so blessed. Blessed with God's grace.
I look back at the things that happen this week, and compare with how I felt the past few nights.
Depression,lost,hatred,jealousy and blaming my stupidity. I blame myself so much for always screwing up things. And no doubt! I always am. And I hate myself for that. I blame myself for losing some opportunities that I can actually grab it right in front with both my hands. But still i missed it.
But besides love, the thing that always screwed up for me, everything else was fine. I had a wonderful group of friends. Ok I know I've mention it like a zillion times. But it just goes showing that my friends are so lovely that! I can't stop talking about them!
The knowledge from God to teach my students and the patience that I have. And for goodness sake. you have to know that I'm a kind of impatient person when it comes to somethings.
And what can be better than this. The future that seems so blur, is getting more clear. I have received a letter from MOE to go for an interview for the course I've applied, which is Bachelor of Arts/ science (education) course.
With my grades, who would have expected it. I hated my poly life. And I didn't like my course of study. But throughout 3 years, I survived every obstacles. Even the worse ones.
Then why am I still crying and pondering over trival matters?
God loves me so much. But I don't seem to able to love myself. I find it hard.
Probably God wants me to learn how to love myself more. Cause you can't love others unless you learn to love yourself.
I didn't know what was the real meaning of loving myself more. I thought by buying lots of things for myself and thinking about myself instead of others would be loving myself. and in fact this point makes me think that I love myself too much that I'm too selfish.
But loving myself means more than that. It's not just the physical thing. There is a level higher than that. A level that is so high above almost so impossible for me to reach.
It's all of a sudden that I realise I don't love myself enough. But I just can't seem to find out where's the problem. I'm still finding. Still searching.
Therefore I think being single is a blessing to me and also to others. Staying single is definitely a blessing. I'm not even ready for such things to happen to me. I'm worried. I know, I know. you can leave this to worry later on.
But that's not the case. if the mindset of not being able to commit is there, it's a no-way to enter into a relationship that you are not even sure if you can keep it going or not.
"I kissed dating goodbye" had left a deep impact to my life, that I choose to guard my heart. But i still waver at times.
Think back. I had waver more than one time. But in the end I still stand firm in guarding this heart of mine.
I don't know how you would see this decision of mine. Probably closing up all the possible opportunities that is coming my way. It's silly, it's stupid.
But the reason behind it, is far more worth it.
I may look and act strong. but in front of my Lord, I'm just a vulnerable little girl of his. I build my faith on this rock. Put my fears on this rock.
I'm more than blessed.
And it's more than a blessing to know that you are being missed by someone. =D
Life is just like a book. There are different chapters.
And it so happen that my chapter in SP has finally come to an end. I'm waiting to start a new chapter and definitely ready to.
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