Blessed are the meek

Am still listening to "till the end"... It's been with me for many afternoons and nights... And I never get sick of hearing it...

It brings me different feelings each time my cursor hit the "play" button on the winamp...

Sometimes it's so relax, that I'm living in my own world... with all the happy memories that are spent... Leaving a smile on my face and a small pinch of happiness...

But sometimes it makes me heartbroken... I can feel that my jaws are numb, but tears ain't rolling down...

And sometimes I feel as if something pierce through my heart... Leaving me to bleed slowly and in pain...

Sometimes it leaves my mind in a whirl... Leaving my mind filled with all the whys which I really want to find out... Guessing and more guessing... Thinking and more thinking... Over and over again... But no matter how hard I guess and think, I still can't find the answer... And no one is willing to give me the answer... Coz no one can... What exactly went wrong?

I keep asking myself why that sometimes I'm beginning to feel that it's my fault... It's me that things turn out like that... My egoistic that destroyed everything... My pride that I refused to put aside... That cause me to lose something...

But I mean I have the right to know things don't I?! I just lose something without knowing the reason... And I'm left alone to guess the reason... I hate it... I tried not to think about it but it just keeps coming back... It's worse when night falls... Tears would start rolling down my cheek... Leaving my blanket and bed sheet wet...

At times I would cry to sleep... I've become so tired and numb that sometimes tears will just roll down without me knowing... It has become part of me...

I hide under the blanket to cry, you don't know and won't... My heart is aching... you still don't know... I'm calling out your name each time but again you still don't know... No matter how many times I shout out aloud or how much I do, you still won't hear me... And you are never gonna hear me anymore...

I'm never gonna see the same nick flashing on my computer screen again... Coz you might not even take a look at what I write... neither is my nick gonna appear flashing in your screen too... Coz I've lost all the courage, faith and cofidence that I've slowly built up... I have to struggle so hard even before I try... And even when I have the courage to do so already, the moment I try to click... I'm back to square one again...

I thought I was strong or could be... But I'm not...in my heart, I can no longer hold inside... It seems like I, myself don't even know the real Jocelyn... then how can my friends be?

In front of them, I look happy and sounded steady... Laughing away and back to my chirpy side... But how many knows my real thoughts? Probably all of them know, but they just don't wanna bring me back and see me sad again...

Jermaine don't even know till I told her... ya she knows that I definitely can't forget coz memories can't be erased... She thought that I was already recovering... But when I told her about the recent me... I guess she knew that I'm not recovering... the feeling inside is way beyond description...

Fendi didn't know to till I told him... And he said that I could be an actress... Coz I sounded so steady...

The laughter,smile and craps are just like my concealor... when the zits are covered, so are my pain and sadness... And people can only see the me that is hidden well enough... Hoping and praying hard that it would stay on...

I can only keep myself occupied with my busy schedule now... but nevertheless I know that the busy schedule is useless... Coz once again when I lie on my bed and turn in... All these would come back... And I would pray to God... Asking and crying out to Him to take it away, so I can rest...

I know it's gonna take time... I don't know how long and I probably don't want to... Probably I should let it be... It may take a long time to heal, probably a period of time that is gonna be very unexpected... But for now I'll try to work tomards my direction... Though my heart feels sore and in future when I think back tears will fill me but I'll pray that He's watching over you... It may sound silly but at least that's the little bit I can do silently for a friend...