Opening up my organiser and flipping to this week schedule... I feel like crying... I could see alot of words... Projects, tests... so on... Hoping for the week to end was what I want... But it's only the start of the week... I feel so heavy...
Many thoughts are running through my mind... Problems that add on to my worries... I wanted so much to call my aunt but every time when I feel stress... Hearing her voice, I would cry out... I can't control it... I really hope she is here... Coz I know she's the one that can really help me through this tough time... I have to put on a brave front every week I see her. But I know that she can see through me, I know she knows sometime is wrong! "I'm just tired"... was my excuse everytime! I want to cry in her arms... I need her hug! I need it badly... My grandma is gone... my aunt has moved out... I can only hug on to my care bear and blanket to cry at night... I miss them!! I missed it! I want it back... I can't take it any longer! LET ME DIE!!
OK... I was kidding... I still have lots of things that I wanna do... My problems are ain't that serious till it makes me feel like dying... Coz I have no guts to jump off a building, slit my wrist, swallow pills or whatever shit... Though I did have the thought of not waking up to see the beautiful sun the next day... that's if I sleep to die... I'm fearful of that too... But well if it's time... Then God has the right to take it...
Felt like breaking down just now while having tuition... My heart felt so heavy... Projects, tests, presentation... my student's CA... I really feel like crying at that moment... She's practically making mistakes for every questions and she don't seems to be able to focus... I know it's 3 hour already! She's tired... I'm tired too... Probably it's me... I don't know... I really think it's me!
It's making me losing my appetite... I can't seem to eat... A few small bits of biscuits could stop my hunger and I can't don't eat... I've not eaten since morning... Stomach is calling but small bits of biscuits and I'm full... I don't know when I will faint but I ain't feeling good for a few days already... I just feel so giddy... But still I ain't eating... eating disorder...
God really knows my issues... When I was feeling that way, fendi send a message asking how am i...
I know you people are walking through this tough time with me and I appreciate it alot... But it's me... the question goes back to me again...
I don't know how to pull through this month... exams are coming... just hope I can concentrate.... Band is always the one that help me pull through this few weeks... music heals the mind... coz in music there's an order and a timing to follow... but now band has stop coz of exam break... and sectionals is only once a week... and there's no sectionals this week!! it means no get away from problems... I just have to look for the way myself... well I know what to do...
After this I have to prepare for crm speech tml... I'm worried as well as for the TA test on wednesday... I can't fail!! Again studies is another issue for me... After speaking to my uncle last week about the money issue for further studies after poly.... I wanna go Uni and I have to... my results are probably only average... or worse off... ARGH!! It just keeps coming back...
Wanting to take a further step to achieve my dream coz I'm slowly building up the guts... But I don't know how. I don't have the time to be spared... Too many commitments... too many personal issues that need to be considered!! I have supportive friends and 2 sisters... But I hope I have supportive family members too...
How contradicitng huh... my dreams and my studies... I can choose both can't I? probably I can... but again it's up to me...
yes yes... everything goes back to me once again!! ME, MYSELF AND I!!
Change a new blog skin... Peeps, don't freak out, pls! I know it looks scary... It's not me kind of blog... Even when I see it, it gives me a creep... But the more I see itI feel that it's ok... I don't know... I just wanted something gothic... and these is gothic enough!! Ok or rather too much...
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