Well we had our rehearsal for the ICF, it was shitty!! I forgot my notes, got lost... BAD! BAD!! and the performance is on wednesday... And we produce this kind of results... haiz... Lots to do man!
Another worry is the tickets sales but well I think that is not much of a problem...
I want to have a elder brother so badly... I have one person in mind and that is Chris one of my band senior.... He is such a caring guy... A good brother in fact!! Maybe becoz we were born on the same day just that he is one year older than me... I feel very close to him... Hope I have a brother like that...
Ohya... wanted to write something here yesterday but before that... If what I am going to type here is gonna change some of you guys opinion of me... then go ahead...
Ok recently I have very serous mood swing... I feel sad... sometimes very angry... Becoz of my sisters... I controls my sisters alot... Coz I think that is the only way to discipline them... they have to ask for my permission before they go out... I know they won't like it... Coz I was once their age and my auntie did that to me... I totally know how it feels... But if both my sisters have no one to control them... I don't know what they will become... Maybe they know what they are doing.... I having been teaching how to behave when I started to live with my parents...
I have already gave up hope on Meiying( my youngest sister), I never controls her anymore... Guess what... Now when she goes out she don't even bother telling me... So fine I can't be bothered either... in the past if she do that I will be very angry... But this type round no... I don't even feel pissed at all... If that is the life she wants then I'm fine with it...
Sometimes my mother asks me where are they or ask me to scold them... I will just say it's not my business... At times, my mum is worried about what they do outside... But...
So all my concentration is on my second sister... But who would expect things to happen... she is quite disrespectful recently... maybe mood swing or whatever... I don't know... there are some other things like not coming back home on time... I hate it when I tell them to come back on time... and they do not...
So that day, I can't remember what happen... I shouted at them... Coz they did something... I said " I swear!! I will never bother about you people anymore!!" I actually said "I swear!"... Never in my whole life did I use that word!! Never once... And they make me say it...
In the past, I would just said I'm never gonna be bothered by you all anymore... But end up I still bother about them... I told jermaine about that before... she said,"aiyo... Jocelyn you always said that. but end up she still bother about them..." But how can I not?! They are my sisters, I can't don't bother about them... We are not scare of our parents... Coz they are not firece enough... But at times....
I remember there was one period, my youngest sister was really rebellious... It's recently... I was very stressed up... I didn't know what to do... I've got so many things to worry and she has to be like that at that time... I really couldn't take the stress from school, my two sisters and band... I told jermaine and she said," Jocelyn I think you don't bother about your sisters la, you like very stressed up and not happy at all."
She really say out how I feel... I was not happy at all... I didn't like it either... I feel so tired... But at that time I was relunctant to give up... But what can I do? I didn't know what to do... I was so helpless... I had shed tears so many times becoz of them... I feel so useless as a elder sister... Does being a good sister means not bothering about them? Maybe I used the wrong method...
When I swear that i can't be bothered by them on friday, I cried... i don't know why... It just comes out...
But I know this time I'm for real... I am really going to give up... I can't go on anymore... I don't wanna cry or shout becoz of them anymore... Never will I want to!! I rather have my voice to sing... It affects my vocal so much!! No matter how relunctant I am, just gonna let go... I will never shout at them or scold them anymore... If people is gonna say that as a sister you should teach them, I can't be bother... bothering about them means shedding tears....
Now I know how my auntie feels when I was rebellious that time... It's really not easy... I'm hurt becoz of them, And she's definitely hurt by me... so much so much... Coz she really dote me alot...
I realized that when we are in the wrong, we never said sorry... When my younger sister did something wrong and i didn't talk to her... She didn't talk to me either... Not even a word of apologise... HA! Am I in the wrong?? But now all this are no longer gonna exist or happen again...
But next time when I'm in the wrong I want to learn how to say sorry to my family... This is one thing that I have not learnt... But to my friends I can but not my parents... It's time to learn...
Of coz I'll still talk to my sister, but from today or now onwards it would be just craps... No more like the past...
Ok guys... If you read this I don't know how will you all think... But this is who I am... part of me...
Countdown to MD:
13 days
Message of the day:
Attitude is a small thing that makes a big difference...
To both of you:
If you all happen to read... this is how I feel... I don't want any sorry... Sick of it already... What I have been telling or teaching you all this years, seriously it's a waste of my effort... i'm sorry... I don't know how you all feel, but it's time to stop...
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